


in the faded memories, i left you behind

by leehwi



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Past OT10, SO SO SAD, Sad, Unhealthy Behavior, Will add tags as I go, future!Au, happy ending :), mentioned age play, mentioned bdsm, mentioned maknae line relationship, slow burn(?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-01-08 08:07:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 55,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leehwi/pseuds/leehwi
Summary: 3 years after the worst day of his life, Jinho struggles with reconnecting with the other members. Particularly the one who broke his heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title is from You Are by Pentagon, I read over the lyrics just now and almost cried at how well they fit this fic, so just...brace yourself.
> 
> anyways, this fic is just sad sad sad and I kind of hate myself for it. also this first chapter is short, sorry  
> enjoy :)

He had cut him out, blocked him from his memory, but as Jinho’s fingers curled around the smoke before his face, the soft voice lulled him from the back of his mind.  _ Let me take care of you _ . The promise that hid behind those words made his stomach twist. He didn’t need to be taken care of. He crushed the beer can in his other hand, feeling the sharp metal cut into the pads of his knuckles. 

The contempt that stung his tongue made him cough and he pressed his lips to the lip of the can and sipped out what was left inside, the dark brew slipped easily into his mouth and he swallowed it. It would be with great difficulty and relief that he would forget about Yang Hongseok.

Ignoring the tremble of his digits as he raised the cigarette to his mouth once more and took a long drag, feeling the tobacco work as a calming agent for his shambling nerves. The last words Hongseok had spoken to him were still boring their way through his mind, poking at his memories and leaving deep scratches along the surface.

“ _ I love you, _ ” he had whispered.

Jinho had spat them back into his face with a harsh laugh.

“ _ No one loves me, _ ” he had ground out between his cig, his fingers pulling Hongseok’s hand away from his face. The fear that clutched at his stomach was pushing everything away. Even him.

Now, standing on this dismal, dark balcony, he was staring out at the alley beneath him and the creeping emptiness that settled beneath his skin smelled strangely like Hongseok. It was a familiar scent, one that tugged at his senses, forcing unwelcome images to the surface.

Flashes of memories spun around inside his head, Hongseok holding his hips as he fucked into him, the stage lights blinding and the only thing Jinho was aware of was Hongseok’s breath on the back of his neck and his own voice swarming throughout the theatre. One memory in particular made his chest feel like it was being torn open and he coughed in pain, but told himself it was just the cigarette.

He tossed the roll of tobacco and paper and nicotine down into the alleyway beneath him, he watched the glowing red tip disappear, swallowed into the darkness. He felt a little bit like that right now.

Stepping away from the railing, his feet carrying him back into his apartment, he felt his head begin to throb and with a little sigh, he was going back towards his kitchen. He needed something to drink, anything to clear his head.

The image was still probing at the front of his mind and he felt his heart tear in half as he reached for a mug, his hand was shaking slightly as he pulled it from the cabinet. The events that led up to this particular memory were coming back to him as he slowly poured himself a cup of coffee.

* * *

**_3 Years Ago_ **

_ “Hwitaek-ah!” Jinho cried excitedly, running to greet his friend, his arms outstretched as they crashed into each other. The back of the theatre was dark and gave them the privacy they needed as Hwitaek cupped Jinho’s face in his, tiny tears pricking both of their eyes. _

_ “I’m so proud of you,” Hwitaek whispered. “You did so good up there!” _

_ The leader’s eyes were burning with genuine pride and Jinho felt his chest pang as he embraced his friend once more. “Did the others come?” he asked, his eyes widening a little. _

_ It didn’t take long for Jinho’s happiness to burst like a bubble and come crashing down. Hwitaek shook his head sadly, pursing his lips tightly. _

_ “Sorry hyung,” he sighed. “Hyojong’s still promoting his album, Yan Annie’s shooting in China and the others are practicing diligently,” as he explained all of this, Jinho nodded with each word. He would pretend that it was fine. This was all as he’d expected, but the hurt was hard to ignore. _

_ “It’s okay, I understand,” he gave a half hearted smile. _

_ “They say they’re all proud of you though, and Hongseok sends his love.” _

_ Somehow that hurt worse. _

_ The ride back was quiet, as Jinho was tired from the show and he rested his forehead against the cold glass of the window. Lights flashed into the SUV as they passed down the street and Hwitaek’s warm hand slipping over his was only of mild comfort. _

_ The car pulled up outside of Hwitaek and Hyojong’s apartment and he reached out to ruffle Jinho’s hair, earning a scowl. “I’ll see you later, hyung. Have a good night.” _

_ Watching Hwitaek walk up the path to his apartment, Jinho felt an emptiness begin to creep into his skin. He was dizzy with loneliness as his manager drove him the 30 minutes to his own apartment. It had been two years since he moved out and there wasn’t a day he didn’t miss living with all of the members. _

_ His apartment was too quiet, there wasn’t anyone to yell at to shut up so that he could sleep, there wasn’t anyone to make breakfast for - leading to Jinho skipping it most days. There was just a dull silence and an uncomfortably neat atmosphere that made him feel like hiding in the shower for hours. _

_ But a late night schedule would only lead to an early morning schedule and Jinho climbed the stairs to his apartment, before unlocking it and slipping inside. The living room light was on and he cursed himself for leaving it on. _

_ As he walked towards the kitchen, he looked over his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin, the sight of a tall figure standing by the couch making him yelp. But it was just Wooseok, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes looking tired as he swayed slightly, only having just stood up. _

_ “Wooseok-ah,” Jinho addressed. _

_ The maknae walked carefully close to Jinho, he looked like he was walking on glass, the way he took each step with consideration and avoided touching any furniture or wall. There were dark bags underneath his eyes and Jinho felt concern slide over his heart. _

_ “Are you okay?” he asked, placing his keys on the counter and moving further into the kitchen, aiming for the tea kettle, he would need some to help him calm down enough to sleep. _

_ “Hyung,” Wooseok’s deep voice murmured from somewhere overhead and it was only as it was happening that Jinho noticed how quickly he’d crossed the kitchen. He felt the maknae’s nose come to touch his scalp and his warm breath wash down his head. The warm firm body behind him was hard to ignore as Wooseok seemed to just creep closer, until he could press his cheek into Jinho’s hair. _

_ “What’s wrong?” Jinho asked, shivering as the breaths cascaded through the locks of his hair. _

_ “I’m tired,” the maknae mumbled around the hair at his lips. “How was the first show day?” _

_ The older sighed a little. “It was good, I guess,” he nodded slightly, not wanting to disrupt the tall man’s resting place. _

_ “I missed you.” _

_ Wooseok’s sudden confession made Jinho freeze and he turned the switch for the tea kettle on, before turning against the younger man’s body to fit his arms around his waist, he held him tightly and pulled him close. _

_ “You’re 24 years old, Wooseok. You can’t keep doing this.” _

_ “Please,” the desperation in the maknae’s voice made Jinho want to cry out for help. He didn’t have the emotional strength to take on this boy’s burdens as well as his own. He couldn’t help Wooseok by himself. _

_ “Okay then,” he agreed. _

_ Leading the maknae back to his bedroom, Jinho pulled back the covers of the bed, he left them like that while he opened his closet. Inside he withdrew a soft old pink blanket and an oversized t-shirt that had some American rapper on it. He turned to face Wooseok, who looked like he was deteriorating in front of him. His lip trembled and his eyes shook. _

_ “Take your shoes off.” _

_ Wooseok did as he was told. _

_ “Put this on,” he held out the t-shirt. _

_ Wooseok did as he was told. Discarding his large sweatshirt onto the ground, revealing his thin frame, his skin practically clung to his ribs in a sickening way and Jinho felt his own stomach twist. The boy tugged the t-shirt over his head, leaving his hair going every which way. _

_ Patting down his hair, Jinho gestured towards the bed. “Get in.” _

_ Always obedient, Wooseok climbed in. He kicked his massive feet under the blankets and his eyes were growingly alert as Jinho settled on the bed next to him. _

_ “You’re okay, baby,” Jinho promised, stroking the younger’s hair. _

_ It was a hard day at the Pentagon dorms when Wooseok had learned about his Little side, he had been playing harmlessly with Hyojong when he seemed to change entirely. His eyes were almost glazed over as he pouted at his hyung for the first time in years, demanding attention. Hyojong had been putoff and immediately scolded the boy. _

_ He hadn’t been expecting this to make him cry and he’d rushed for Jinho’s help. Jinho had never engaged in Little play, but he’d read about it once and he did his best to ease Wooseok (and Hyojong) through it. When Wooseok had slowly returned to himself, embarrassed beyond all reason, Hyojong rejected the man. _

_ Since then, being Little was a little traumatic for Wooseok, as it reminded him that there was apart of him that Hyojong didn’t want anything to do with. Jinho and Yuto had been the only members patient enough to help Wooseok and they had tag teamed it for several months, before Jinho moved. _

_ Now, two and a half years later and Wooseok had almost completely removed that part of him, anytime he and the other members were playing, he would excuse himself with a blush. He would sit on the other side of the room and stare into the distance. He had forced himself to grow up and whenever Jinho called him “Wooseokkie” he would get frustrated and insist that he wasn’t a child. _

_ Jinho had been unsuccessful in convincing him that it was nothing to be ashamed of. “You wouldn’t believe what Hongseok’s into,” he’d tried to joke, but the tears bordering Wooseok’s corneas shut him up quickly. _

_ Sitting here now, watching Wooseok fall asleep as Jinho stroked his hair, watching unexplained tears slip from his lashes, Jinho felt himself slipping. He was falling into whatever hole he’d dug for himself, he’d assumed too much responsibility again and the weight of it would break him. _

_ But if it was for his members, he’d do anything... _

* * *

 

He was already itching for another cigarette as he laid down for bed, but he was too tired to find his jeans and get one from the pack. He closed his eyes and tried to shut everything from his mind. He tried to push out the loud noises and he tried to forget that he ever knew someone named Lee Hwitaek or Yang Hongseok or Jung Wooseok. They weren’t here now and there was no reason for them to be.

They no longer had any place in his life, he no longer meant anything to them. He knew they hated him, after he’d discussed terminating his contract no one had asked why and no one had asked him to stay. Weeks later, when the disbandment had been decided upon, he’d cried alone in his apartment for days. But he didn’t let them see him cry, he wouldn’t let them see how much he was hurting too.

Why would he? He was nothing to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I don't know how long this fic will end up being, but I already have about three chapters for it and it's only just starting. I feel really evil for how sad this fic is gonna be, so just yeah, expect that.
> 
> kudos and comments would be GREATLY appreciated and if you have any questions lemme know :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh i'm so glad that the first chapter was received so well. thank you for reading and i hope you enjoy this one too <3

Staring at himself in the mirror brought up nothing but hatred, hatred for the thick thighs from eating cheap ramen, hatred for the mop of poorly dyed mousey hair, hatred for the red rimmed eyes that lacked feeling and hatred for the stupid mouth that produced nothing but smoke and anger these days. Long forgotten were the days of singing and producing music, he hadn’t touched a piano in years.

He moved from in front of the mirror to pull on an opened armed tank top, his ripped black jeans hugged his hips and legs. He reached for the oversized bomber jacket that he’d worn almost everyday for the past two years and pulled it over his arms. He hid the scars and tattoo that he’d gotten a lifetime ago.

Now looking semi-humanlike, he walked out of his apartment, it was on the lower side of Seoul, the side where apartments were cheap and liveable if you were a tough son of a bitch. Which Jinho was not. But he stopped giving a shit.

He walked down the stairs and out onto the street, feeling the cold morning air hit him first. He grimaced and started the 20 minute walk to his work. He realized awhile back that you had to work to survive and he’d begrudgingly gotten a job at a factory. Nothing big, just somewhere he could keep to himself and didn’t have to worry about the occasional fangirl.

It was unpleasant after he split from the company, to have young people still squeal and awe over him at the coffee shop--” _ Jinho from Pentagon!” _ \-- and it was even more unpleasant to see how disappointed they were by him. He would give them a grimace of a smile and ask for no pictures, before ignoring them and going back to waiting for his coffee.

He looked up to see the creaking sign of his workplace above his head, not realizing that 20 minutes had passed in the blink of an eye and he slowly pushed his way into the warehouse door. Work was simple, it was something he could do without seeing the fiery eyes of his members on stage. He was something he could do without being reminded of them.

As he focused on using his drill gun to screw in bolt after bolt, securing two pieces of metal together, he lost himself in a lack of thought. The work itself was monotonous and drove him insane after too long, but as he neared the lunch hour, he felt relief flood through him.

When lunchtime came, he started to make his way down the street, he watched his coworkers head for whatever ramen shop or fast food restaurant they could get to during the lunch rush. But Jinho walked towards the nearest convenience store, where he bought a ramen cup and some milk.

A woman and her child were standing in front of him at the counter and he pursed his lips and waited patiently for them to finish. The little girl looked over his shoulder up at him. He had changed from his clothes earlier into his work clothes, his jumpsuit was stained with grease and his boots were old and cracked.

“Ahjussi,” the girl spoke plainly. “Are you famous?” she asked.

Jinho stared down at her for a moment, swallowing thickly. The girl’s mother was turning as well to scold the girl for speaking with strangers, but when she got sight of Jinho’s face, recognition seemed to flash behind her eyes and she remained silent, as if she too was waiting for his answer.

“I was for a minute or so,” he chuckled. “A long time ago.”

The young girl blinked at him, processing his words as the mother apologized and rushed her daughter with her out of the store. He approached the counter and paid for his things, the clerk speaking only very few words to him, until he was preparing to leave.

“Were you really famous, ahjussi?” the young man asked, his eyes wide. He couldn’t have been much older than 18 or 19-- _ the maknaes age when they debuted _ \--and his curiosity made him seem even younger. “Were you an idol? You look like you could have been.”

“For a time, yeah,” he nodded, his lips drawn into a tight line.

“Oh,” the boy chewed on his lip before bowing politely. “Have a good day, ahjussi.”

“You too,” Jinho smirked.

The cold afternoon air was grounding and helped him to forget about the exchange pretty quickly, as it had made him uncomfortable. He got back to work and it wasn’t until his smoke break an hour before he got off that he allowed himself to think back on it.

People were still recognizing him, but he wasn’t as delicate and pretty as he used to be. He had just turned 33 and he felt like he looked older. His face was worn and he didn’t take as good care of his skin or hair as he used to and he was left looking decidedly ordinary. He didn’t see the young idol in himself that was there once.

After work, he changed back into his day clothes and left his jumpsuit to be washed at the factory. He got out onto the street, grateful for his thick bomber jacket to keep him warm as he walked past the various shops and apartment houses. 

The bar that he frequented wasn’t too far and as he turned onto the street for it, he found a face looking at him through the dark, one that didn’t quite scare him, but shocked him enough to freeze his steps. He hadn’t seen that face in so long.

* * *

 

**_3 Years Ago_ ** **_  
_ ** _ “Jinho-hyung, come on, just come sit with us,” Shinwon nagged, tugging at his arm. Jinho reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled through the bar, stopping at a table where Hongseok, Changgu and Hyojong sat. _

_ The oldest slid into the booth next to Changgu, feeling the younger’s warm hand clutch his knee, tugging him close. It was a good atmosphere in here, and the excitement coming from the Pentagon members was adding to it. _

_ “Well, hyung,” Hongseok tipped his beer glass in Jinho’s direction. “Five years, huh?” he smirked. They were less than a week from the anniversary now and Jinho’s stomach was a knot of emotions. _

_ He was tired. So so tired. But he couldn’t let it show. He couldn’t let them know how much it hurt to see them carrying on promotions while he did his musical, how much it hurt that Yan An had had continuous promotions in China for the past 9 months, how much it hurt that no matter how close they stood Hongseok wouldn’t touch him anymore. _

_ The pain was bigger and stronger than his excitement and happiness for their anniversary and he felt his heart sink as he saw Hyojong and Hongseok snuggled together, giggling over their glasses of beer. How long had it been since they touched last? He missed even the most innocent of touches. He was almost 30 now, why was Hongseok acting like they were still kids? _

_ After everyone was sufficiently drunk, Hyojong started herding them into the van, having paid the tab. He shut the van door behind them as they settled down, giggles being exchanged throughout as they noisily shushed each other. _

_ Jinho was sitting at the back, his head resting against the headrest for the back bench, a sleepy Changgu was beside him and on the other side of Changgu was Hongseok, who was propping up the young actor’s head. _

_ “His manager’s gonna be so pissed,” Hongseok chuckled, knowing that Changgu’s manager for his solo acting schedules was a little controlling when it came to his diet and alcohol intake.  _

_ The oldest wasn’t even sure if he’d properly met Changgu’s manager, but he simply nodded and smirked in agreement as the van sped down the wet roads, slick with the rain that had stopped not even an hour before. _

_ “Does the driver know my address?” Jinho asked calmly, the dread of being left alone in his apartment was starting to consume him. _

_ Hyojong scoffed and looked back at Jinho with a little bit of concern. “We’re not sending you back to your place, just come spend the night with at the dorm. Hwitaek will be glad for the space tonight anyways.” _

_ He made it sound so simple, but Jinho knew deep down that he couldn’t just “spend the night” anymore. It wasn’t that easy. He was their hyung, if he came over, he’d have to assume a role of authority and care and he would have to look after the maknaes and make sure everyone got to bed. _

_ He was distracted by the heat of Hongseok’s gaze and he realized he hadn’t answered. “Okay, fine,” he swallowed, regretting his words immediately. _

_ As soon as they returned to the dorm, Jinho felt a sense of familiarity overcome him as he stepped inside, it smelled like sweat and beauty products and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Walking back into here was almost like crossing dangerous territory for him and as he left his shoes at the door, he caught sight of a man exiting the bathroom. _

_ It’d been too long since he last saw Yuto, he was almost unrecognizable, his skin was even darker than usual and he had built up a lot more muscle over the past several months. His black hair was cut short and swept off his forehead and Jinho realized he’d only seen fantaken photos of his hair like this recently and it looked so much better in person. _

_ He turned to see Jinho and the initial hurt of his absence swept over Yuto’s features first, but then it was replaced with the joy of seeing him again. “Jinho-hyung,” the rapper grinned and Jinho was grateful. There was one thing that Yuto would never lose and it was the innocent glee he had when he got excited. _

_ Despite being wrapped only in a towel, the Japanese man moved surprisingly quickly to embrace Jinho, not bothered that his hyung’s face was buried in his bare chest. Jinho inhaled the scent of him, the bodywash he used was the strongest scent but beneath that was the scent of sun kissed skin and an odd flowery scent that had always come with Yuto. _

_ “Hi, Adachi,” he breathed against the maknae’s skin, his slightly drunken state made him sway on his feet a bit, but the rapper held him up. _

_ “Jinho-hyung?” came a voice from the kitchen and suddenly the rest of the members were swarming him, filling up his vision. Hyunggu was in his face, kissing his cheek and Wooseok was reaching out to grip his shoulder in an oddly fatherly manner. Shinwon was behind him suddenly and pressing a kiss to his ear. _

_ It felt good to be embraced by them again, but the empty space in the dorm was hard to ignore. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw Yan An in person, it was long before he left to China and he’d been there for almost nine months now. It hurt to think how far they’d been apart, but anymore Jinho was used to the pain. _

_ “Hyung’s tired and drunk,” Hyojong pushed the kids away and tried to push Jinho free from their clamoring hands. “Let him go to bed,” here he gave a pointed look towards Hongseok who seemed to understand. _

_ “Come on, hyung,” Hongseok grabbed Jinho by the elbow and pulled him over towards his bedroom. Feeling his stomach flip around in circles, Jinho wondered if Hongseok had more than one bed in his room as he was led inside. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom and Hyunggu bought some more foaming wash the other day, use that for your face.” _

_ Hyojong was right, Jinho was tired and drunk and it was due to this that he let Hongseok push him around, without a word from the older. While he brushed his teeth and washed his face, scrambling for moisturizer of some kind, Hongseok rummaged for some spare clothes for his hyung. _

_ “Here, I got some pants from Hyojong and this shirt from Changgu,” he held up both items of clothes and left them on the--one--bed while he went to do his own nightly routine. He left Jinho standing in the middle of the room, staring down at the clothes which smelled mostly clean and he slowly but surely tugged off his own clothes from that day. _

_ His brain was sluggish as he allowed Changgu’s warm shirt envelop his body and he pulled the drawstring on Hyojong’s pants tightly around himself before tying it. His movements were slow as he pulled back the covers on the bed, he hesitated, staring down at the slightly worn but clean sheets. _

_ Did he really want to get in and be waiting for Hongseok when he came out...? Wasn’t that a little too trophy wife of him? _

_ Before he got to decide what he was going to do, he felt a warm chest connect with the back of his head as Hongseok came up behind him, reaching over his shoulder to flip off the light. His breath was warm against Jinho’s ear and he slowly felt his insides melt. _

_ “Come on, hyung,” Hongseok whined, giving Jinho a tiny little nudge. He was obviously just as tired as the older and as they both climbed in, Jinho heard the sigh come from the other man. _

_ The idea of laying on a bed facing Hongseok was too much, so Jinho turned on his side, away from him, and stared into the dark of the room. He wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing Hongseok close his eyes and shut Jinho out. _

_ A warm hand reached out to rest on his hip and with a tug, Jinho’s small body was pressed into the curves of Hongseok’s. He held him here, gently rubbing at the bone of his hip. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt like his head was going to explode, the alcohol in his system made his skin feel like it was on fire. _

_ “Hongseok,” he started, swallowing his words, knowing that nothing would come out. His breathing was growing heavier as Hongseok’s fingers dug into his hip and gripped him tight, as if he was afraid of losing him. _

_ “Come back, hyung,” Hongseok’s whisper was so much smaller than Jinho had expected. “As soon as you’re done with your musical...come back to us. Come back to me.” _

_ Jinho was feeling dizzier and dizzier by the minute and he felt like if he sat up he’d vomit, or cry. He needed something to hold onto, he needed something to stabilize himself. As Hongseok pulled on his body, turning him over to face him, Jinho let out a small groan, as a warning that he was losing his grounding. He felt too high up. _

_ And then Hongseok kissed him, and Jinho’s head exploded, the heady bubble that had been suffocating him was gone and it was just him and Hongseok, lips pressed together. He slipped from whatever cloud he was on and he was falling back to earth. _

_ He kissed back as his mind crashed to the ground. _

* * *

 

“Hongseok,” he breathed to himself, looking for some kind of exit. Panic struck deep in his chest and he swayed where he stood. He looked filthy, he hadn’t showered today and the sweat from work still clung to his back. He felt disgusting.

Hair styled up, forehead exposed and looking more golden than he’d ever thought possible, Hongseok was staring at him with his eyebrows furrowed. He was chewing on his lip and he seemed to be contemplating something.

“Hyung,” he began, but Jinho shook his head and took a step back.

“No,” he gasped, “stay away from me.”

Never before did Yang Hongseok look so desperate. “Jinho, please!” he begged, reaching out his hand, but Jinho pulled away. He turned away from Hongseok and started to walk back the way he’d come.

“We’re getting back together,” the words stopped Jinho and his head swarmed with thoughts. “We just want to meet up and...talk. All of us.”

So many questions were overtaking his thoughts and anger seemed to creep under his skin as he slowly turned back around to look at Hongseok. “No,” he spoke calmly. “You don’t get to come here after...after I told you to stay away from me. You knew I didn’t want to see you and yet you still-” he guffawed. “You have some real courage showing up here.”

“I still-” Hongseok stopped himself, his lips forming a slight pout. They looked like they were trembling from where Jinho stood and he wondered if Hongseok was actually going to stand in front of him and cry.

Most importantly he wondered if he was going to be able to stand Hongseok standing in front of him and crying. His pride wasn’t going to win this battle, he knew that, he knew that the hurt that Hongseok had caused him would not keep him firm in his decision. He would cave eventually. It was just up to him to keep Hongseok at arms length until the younger got sick of fighting.

“Can we just talk? Please?” Hongseok looked around the mostly empty street that they stood on and he cleared his throat, sniffling a bit. “Somewhere private?”

He didn’t want to give in. He didn’t want to say yes and let this man take him somewhere private and tell him exactly what he didn’t want to hear over and over again-- _ I love you.  _ He was sick of hearing false words. He took a deep breath and cleared his mind before replying.

“Fine.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've kind of had a really shitty day tbh, so this is very unedited, i just wanted to get it out for you all.  
> comments would be lovely, they're a huge motivator in terms of writing  
> love u~
> 
> EDIT:  
> ok i realize it's unrealistic that idols get forgotten about that easily but i remember reading somewhere that there are parts of korea where even the most mainstream idols just...aren't recognized...or known...at all. so let's pretend jinho lives in one of those places


	3. Chapter 3

“Hwitaek just got back from tour, Yanan’s filming a movie in China,” Hongseok spoke slowly as if he was bored with the words he was saying. As if they were the last thing he wanted to be saying. “Yuto, Wooseok and Hyunggu are working on their new album. Hyojong’s promoting his new one. Changgu’s filming a drama. And Shinwon just signed another contract with a magazine.”

As he finished, he moved his gaze down to his hands, where they clutched the arms of the chair. They’d gone to a 24 hours cafe and gotten coffee, despite how much Jinho wanted soju and they were sipping in the mostly quiet atmosphere. Jinho had insisted that they sit in a corner, as he didn’t want them to be seen together.

“And you?” Jinho asked hesitantly.

Hongseok cleared his throat, surprised that Jinho would even care, let alone ask. He leaned forwards a bit and shrugged. “I acted for a bit, but I’ve mostly been mentoring for new trainees.”

“So you’re still with CUBE?” Jinho’s eyes lifted to look at him.

“Yeah,” Hongseok nodded, unashamedly. “Mostly, I teach English to Korean trainees and vice versa.”

“Oh,” Jinho didn’t admit how much it hurt him to know that Hongseok was still with the company. It was almost like a betrayal to everything that they’d done. After all, CUBE had torn them apart, hadn’t they? Everything that happened was all their fault, wasn’t it?

“What about you?” Hongseok asked, observing Jinho’s outfit. “Still working at the factory?”

Jinho thought back to the last time he’d seen Hongseok. It was about seven months ago. They’d run into each other on accident at a music festival that Jinho had spent his entire paycheck to go see. He hid his face the entire time, but Hongseok was no fool, he’d recognize Jinho anywhere.

The reason he’d gone was to see the former maknaes group, VAGABONDZ, perform, but he should’ve known that Hongseok would be there. Of course, he wouldn’t be the only hyung in the crowd, hiding behind a wet sleeve as tears of pride poured down his cheeks.

As they shared the stage with their BTOB-sunbaenims, Jinho felt tearful hiccups overcome him and he started to fully sob as he turned to find himself face to face with Hongseok. They didn’t talk much, they didn’t confess that they both felt that it should be them on that stage with their boys and not Eunkwang and Minhyuk-hyungs, they didn’t ask about how they’d been.

They walked in silence back to Jinho’s apartment, where had tried to kiss him and confessed haphazardly that he loved him. Jinho had laughed at him and told him never to come back. Hongseok just kept repeating the same three words, until Jinho couldn’t stand it and he’d left, leaving him with a bitter ‘ _ No one loves me’. _ He had no idea what kind of effect this would have on Hongseok.

Now they were sitting in a coffee shop, pretending that everything was fine as they talked about ‘how they’d been’. Realizing he was still waiting for an answer, Jinho cleared his throat and took a drink from his coffee.

“Yeah. Still at the factory.”

“You been singing?” he asked carefully. He seemed wary as he asked and Jinho’s eyes formed slits as he observed Hongseok, the hope that lay behind the man’s eyes sickened him.

“No.”

Hongseok’s head slowly dropped and he seemed...crushed.

“What’s this about everyone meeting up?” Jinho frowned, eager to change the subject. 

“Oh,” Hongseok sniffed and leaned back again in his chair. “I was texting Hwitaek-hyung and he said that he wanted all of us to have dinner sometime. He was thinking we’d all go to his house or something. Just because, there’s a lot...of unresolved stuff.”

_ Unresolved stuff _ , Jinho knew what that meant. Hwitaek and Hyojong had never come out or admitted their relationship to anyone, now they were on opposite sides of the country and probably hadn’t met up in weeks. Jinho and Hongseok had fucked a few times, but never talked about their feelings. Yan An and Changgu had been “lifelong friends” and then torn apart, literally thrown a sea away from each other.

Shinwon was the reason they debuted as ten to begin with and now he was more detached than anyone, he didn’t make any public appearances with or near the other members. The maknaes - ever inseparable - were the only ones who had maintained the original spirit that was instilled in them since debut. They knew that no matter how many times they fought, the love there was worth the effort and they’d used that to form their own unit.

Jinho wished he could be more like them. More unrealistic.

“Let’s be honest about this, Hongseok,” Jinho cleared his throat and sat forwards. “We loved each other.”

“ _ Yes _ -” Hongseok sounded relieved, like this was exactly what he’d been trying to say for years.

“Intimately,” Jinho added, watching the emotions change on Hongseok’s face. “There was no way we were going to last long anyways. You can’t have a group of guys like us and expect us to function like...other groups. As soon as our managers found out about all that...”

It hurt to talk, Jinho’s throat straining with each word, so he let his voice die. They both knew what had happened, they both knew why the group had crumbled so quickly. Sure they lasted 5 years, but within the span of six months, everything that could have gone wrong...did.

“Please just talk with Hwitaek and I, we’ll figure things out after that,” he promised, his hands reaching for Jinho’s. “Please, let’s figure this out. Together, like we always did.”

Jinho didn’t like the idea of leaving things as they were either, it felt bitter in his mouth, it left his skin feeling stained, as if each member’s name was printed as a reminder onto his flesh.

“Okay. Let’s do this,” he finally nodded.

* * *

 

Hwitaek apparently lived a lot closer to Jinho than he’d expected, which made Jinho’s heart ache. He could have just gone to see him if he wasn’t so stubborn, all it would have taken was a text and he could be facing Hwitaek once more.

Somehow the idea of seeing their former leader again was terrifying, he knew that Hwitaek - more than anyone - had wanted Pentagon to succeed. He couldn’t imagine how it broke him when they disbanded. The last time he’d seen Hui still haunted him and he couldn’t shake the image, sometimes it would keep him up all night.

The sight of Hwitaek, sobbing openly as the manager had to physically pull him down the hall, the other members having to stand and watch as the CUBE director sadly shut the door to his office. They knew how hard Hui had fought for them, how hard he fought for them to debut, how hard he fought for them to stay together. The manager had forced him into a practice room to quiet him down, reminding him loudly that there was nothing he could do now.

Hwitaek’s echoing screams of “ _ Please! _ ” were still burned into Jinho’s eardrums. He shivered as Hongseok knocked on the door of a large penthouse, reminding Jinho that he was about to see the one man that he had been terrified of disappointing. He swayed where he stood and he could feel his knees weakening by the second.

“I don’t-” Jinho started but was interrupted by the door to the penthouse swinging open.

He had blonde hair, it was swept off of his forehead and he had round glasses perched on the bridge of his long nose. His eyes were bright and despite the fact that he’d lost that childlike wonder, his face looked almost entirely the same. It was much more mature now, but still that magnetically handsome aura surrounded his features.

Dressed in a green open shouldered sweater and some light-wash jeans, he looked so perfectly Hwitaek that Jinho felt his heart flip a million times. He stared in awe at Hongseok and then Jinho, an emotionless mask seemed to overcome his face as he checked the hall to see who else was there.

“Oh,” was all the sound he made, before stepping back and allowing the two familiar strangers into his home.

His house was about as Jinho had expected, it was all warm tones and low lighting, almost romantic in a book smart way, as Hui had been for as long as Jinho had known him. It wasn’t too dark, but it wasn’t light either. It was the kind of house that you would expect to fall in love in.

Standing in the doorway was odd, so Jinho elbowed Hongseok through first, watching the taller man shuffle in a little ways, before going in further to inspect the area. Jinho followed, carefully leaving his shoes by the door and tiptoeing after Hongseok.

They followed Hui to the kitchen, where he had apparently been making dinner and it smelled amazing. But he was obviously making enough for more than just him and Jinho felt alarm wash over him.

“Expecting someone?” Hongseok asked, as if reading Jinho’s thoughts.

Hui simply shook his head. He was oddly quiet and Jinho felt the guilt begin to settle in the pit of his stomach, of course, as he’d expected, Hwitaek must hate him now.

“You redecorated,” Hongseok pointed out, looking around the kitchen.

“Don’t small talk me,” Hwitaek commanded, sounding every bit the leader he used to be. “What are you two here for?”

As he stirred whatever was on the stove, Hongseok cleared his throat and then announced. “Jinho-hyung agreed to talk things out with us...”

Hwitaek looked up at Jinho and their gazes met, his was still so full of fire and Jinho felt it burn him deep down. He looked the same way he would when they came off stage after Like This, that youthful energy that came from some unknown source and clawed it’s way out of Hui with a ferocious intensity. But Hui had never looked at Jinho like this.

“Did you?” he was asking Jinho and the older man only gave a weak nod. “Then let me get some wine. You two go sit down.”

As Hwitaek disappeared into his refrigerator, Hongseok reached for Jinho’s elbow, even as the older yanked it out of his touch, and directed him towards the living room. All the furniture was leather and comfortable, with soft blankets draped over the back of each chair and couch. Jinho carefully sat in the chair opposite the couch, where Hongseok had sat, he tucked his legs under him.

He was obviously decently comfortable here. It made jealousy explode inside of Jinho, the idea of Hwitaek getting to see Hongseok often and vice versa, the idea of them spending time together, it just ate at Jinho’s innards. He knew it was his fault he’d dropped out of contact with the others, he knew he brought this upon himself. But he still wanted to blame them.

“You still prefer dark, right?” Hwitaek asked, his arm outstretched, clutching a cold beer bottle in his hand. Jinho wanted to reject, say that he wasn’t a social drinker - not that this was much of a social visit - but his throat was itching for the cool burn of the liquid.

He accepted it.

“So...you want...all of us...here?” Jinho looked around the penthouse. It was definitely a suitable size for it, but there was something missing. It just felt too detached, too clean. Very much so unlike Pentagon, as there was a lack of video games, laundry discarded around, dirty dishes. There was too many missing variables that would not make it appropriate for a ‘reunion’.

“Yes,” Hwitaek nodded. “I was thinking of setting up a little cookout in the backyard. Get some meat, start up a few grills,” he shrugged.

“I see.”

Hongseok interjected. “Just like our healing party before we debuted,” his voice sounded far away, as if he was thinking back to those times.

Taken back for a moment, memories of standing around a table, clutching letters written by each other in their hands, tears streaming down their cheeks as they all looked to the future, unknowing that their future broken selves were staring back in envy. The youth and innocence that painted their faces at the time was something that Jinho wished he could take back.

“Exactly,” Hui breathed, as if he was relieved someone else voiced it for him. “A healing party. That’s what we need,” he nodded simply and took a drink of his beer.

Healing. Jinho knew that that was the most important factor here, but it would also be the most difficult for him. He had a few scars that he wasn’t sure would ever heal. The burn on his skin from the member’s touches, the ache in his heart from watching Hongseok love him, the pain he felt from letting the group fall apart. He would never forget, and he would never forgive if it was up to him.

“Yeah, real good luck with that one,” Jinho scoffed.

“What do you mean?” Hwitaek’s eyes narrowed, but he looked calm and expectant, as if he’d just been waiting for Jinho to start some shit.

“Healing’s not so easy for everyone,” Jinho murmured into his beer bottle.

A quiet calm settled in the air and Hongseok sucked in a breath, the air whistling through his lips caught Jinho’s attention, but he didn’t look up from the shine of the kitchen lights on the hardwood floor.

“You think I don’t fucking know that?” Hwitaek’s voice was surprisingly level. “I sold my soul to that company for you, for all of you. I gave more blood, sleep and life to you boys than your own parents,” his eyes narrowed for a mere moment, but his eerie calmness did not stutter. “I dare you to tell me that what happened hurt you worse than it did me.”

Jinho swallowed and slammed back another drink of his beer. He wanted to get up and leave, he wanted to run away. He wanted to go back to his dingy apartment on the poor side of town, away from Hwitaek and his extravagance and his success. Away from Hongseok, sitting quietly as if he were a piece of furniture. Away from Pentagon.

But he simply nodded. “Yeah, sure. I guess you’re right.”

The silence seemed to crackle and fizz with the electricity of Hwitaek’s temper, which was simmering beneath the surface of his skin, threatening to burst if provoked.

“Anyways,” Hongseok cleared his throat. “We’re coming up on our 8th anniversary,” he chewed on his lip. “We could ask everybody to meet up for that?”

Hwitaek was staring directly at Jinho as he spoke, but his words were directed to Hongseok, as was his sweet tone. “I think that’s a great idea, Hongseok,” he declared, before rising to his feet. “I think dinner’s ready.”

They followed him to the kitchen, where he served them sundae soup and then the three of them went back to the living room. Jinho stiffly thanked Hwitaek for the food, before he started eating. He slurped some from his spoon and surprise crossed his features, but he kept it hidden. Hwitaek’s cooking had improved.

The sounds of soup being sipped down were unpleasant to say the least, even worse by the absolute quiet of Hui’s house. It seemed to echo in here. When Jinho was done - he didn’t realize he’d been hungry enough to finish before either of the other two - he took the bowl to the kitchen and set it into the sink.

A window was above the sink, displaying a dark city below and Jinho could see his own face reflected back in the meticulously cleaned glass. He looked sallow, but there was something about his face that was bothering him. He looked different somehow, not quite younger, but...maybe relieved? He looked dazed and inebriated in a way.

He told himself it was just the beer, and went back to sit down.

Hongseok was giggling as Hwitaek quietly told him a story. The scene made Jinho fume to himself. He had no right to be angry. They were close now, he was not. He had no one to blame but himself.

As the night dragged on, Jinho listened to Hwitaek recall a moment from his tour, leaving Hongseok in guffawing laughter. He wanted to slam his own head into the wall, anything to avoid this kind of torture. But he sat in silence and let them catch up as if they’d only seen each other a few months before, which...they had.

“Jinho?”

He looked up and found them both staring at him, Hongseok’s expression was full of emotion, while Hwitaek’s was entirely devoid of it. “Do you have a preference?” the younger asked, making Jinho blink in response. “Of what day we do it?”

“Huh?”

Hwitaek sighed, exasperatedly. “The...reunion,” his words were a little bitter as he spoke. “Don’t you have a job? What day works?”

“Oh, whenever’s fine,” Jinho lied. He secretly hoped they’d pick a day he worked so that he could get out of the whole ordeal. But thinking on it, he really did want to see the kids again. He was just scared that they would all be like Hwitaek, harboring venom for him because of how he’d hurt them all. Because of how he’d left.

* * *

 

_ “Hongseok, slow down,” Jinho gasped as Hongseok tried to kiss him for the fifth time in one minute. “What are you doing?” _

_ The younger did his best not to pout as he stared at Jinho. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked. _

_ “I just...can we talk about this?” _

_ “We’ve been avoiding this for years now, can we not talk?” Hongseok huffed. He inched closer and Jinho forgot to argue as he kissed him again, he pried Jinho’s lips open and licked into his mouth.  _

_ Jinho’s mind was a daze, nothing made sense but at the same time, it all made perfect sense. He didn’t know how to tell himself no as Hongseok ‘s hand crept up under his shirt, caressing the skin of his waist. His eyes nearly crossed as Hongseok tugged him closer, pressing their bodies together. _

_ Humming quietly, Jinho let Hongseok roll over, pulling him over on top of him. Hongseok lifted him like he weighed nothing and Jinho wanted to scream. He wanted Hongseok to struggle to make love to him, he wanted it to be hard for him to lift him and kiss him. He wanted this to be as difficult for Hongseok as he’d always imagined it’d be. But he did it so easily, like it was muscle memory. _

_ He did it like loving Jinho was all he knew how to do. _

* * *

 

 

“Okay, then,” Hwitaek struggled not to roll his eyes. 

“Hyungs,” Hongseok spoke softly, looking between them. “Are you really going to be like this? After all this time, you’re going to keep being difficult?”

Deep breaths were taken, before both Hwitaek and Jinho spoke at once.

“He hates me, there’s nothing about that that’s not difficult.”

“He made it difficult when he fucking gave up on us.”

Hongseok looked ready to cry, but he ran a hand through his hair. He opened his mouth, before closing it again, as Hwitaek’s sharp eyes stay glued to Jinho. The older of the three avoided eye contact with either of them.

“I don’t hate you,” he spoke plainly, his constant emotionless mask was starting to slip as his voice turned into a whisper on the last word.

The oldest sniffed once and looked up. “You have no reason not to.”

“I have every reason not to,” Hwitaek’s eyes were starting to narrow. Confusion and hurt were slowly pushing through the cracks.

* * *

 

_ “Hongseok,” he gasped it like a prayer, leaving Hongseok dizzy. He wanted to push and push against Jinho’s skin until he let him in, until he let him crawl inside and make himself apart of him. _

_ They were going to lose their minds going at this pace, so painfully slow. Slow enough for Jinho to hear every shift on the bed, making it creak. Slow enough for Hongseok to hear the tiny hitch in each of Jinho’s breaths. It was the kind of slow that made Jinho dig his fingernails into Hongseok’s shoulders, begging him to move the cloth dividing them. _

* * *

 

 

“Oh really? And what the fuck are those?” Jinho’s anger at himself was starting to come out, directed straight at Hwitaek and he wanted to scream at himself. It wasn’t fair to Hui to do this, it wasn’t fucking fair that he was a coward.

His former leader and friend seemed to crumble under the pressure and he simply whispered, “I still love you.”

Something must have been blocked in Jinho’s memory, he frowned at the words Hwitaek had used.  _ Still. _ Suggesting he loved him before, suggesting that this wasn’t the first time Hwitaek had said this to Jinho. What was he forgetting?

“What does that mean?” he asked, his brain reeling.

Hui rose to his feet, sighing gently and pushing the round glasses back up on his nose. “It means exactly what I just said, don’t play stupid now.”

Hongseok stood up as well, he seemed entirely unfazed by the situation, but he also seemed alert, as if ready to get between them if he had to. 

“What do you mean ‘still’?” Jinho scowled. 

_ No one loves me. No one loves me. No one loves me. _

“It means I’ve always loved you, dumbass!” Hwitaek tried not to shout. His stress levels were through the roof now and he was tugging on his own sleeves.

Before he could continue, Jinho spoke the words plaguing his mind. “No one lo-”

“Stop,” Hongseok pleaded.

* * *

 

_ “Don’t stop,” Jinho whimpered as Hongseok slid in and out of him easily. “God, Hongseok. Let’s never stop this. Please.” _

_ Hongseok chuckled in response. “Don’t have that kind of stamina. Sorry.” he nosed into Jinho’s neck, feeling the man quiver beneath him. Jinho clenched around Hongseok, making the younger huff and gasp. _

_ They went like this for what felt like hours, neither wanting it to end just yet. _

* * *

 

 

“We do love you,” Hongseok reached for Jinho’s hand, but the older was quick to pull far away.

“Jinho,” Hwitaek was closing in on him too. “ _ Hyung _ , we’ve always loved you.”

The older man’s chest was shaking as his heart pounded against his ribs. His head was reeling as he processed their words. Why were they so convincing? He felt like he was losing his mind as he tried to close his eyes, shut out their words and their love. He didn’t need them. Not anymore.

A voice whispered in the back of his mind.

“ _ Yes, Jinho. You do. _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh thank you for reading!
> 
> I feel like this chapter was super awkward in parts, it was really....idk maybe it's just me criticizing myself  
> anyways, I would love love comments <3
> 
> I'm wanting to update another fic while I update this one, so if you could add in the comments which of these groups you'd prefer to read a fic of, I would appreciate it haha
> 
> -VIXX  
> -Day6  
> -Monsta X  
> -Winner/Block B
> 
> (these are just what's from my drafts rn haha)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is soooo long. but i managed to cram and finish it last night, so i'm giving it to you now :)
> 
> there's a bit more little!wooseok here (idk how to write bdsm sorry) and there's a small ot10 scene at the end, if you don't want to read it, you can skip :)

_ “Jinho-hyung,” Changgu seemed surprised more than anything to see Jinho standing in their kitchen, dressed only in Hongseok’s shirt. But he didn't seem bothered and perhaps that annoyed Jinho. Why was everyone acting like this was normal? Like it was okay? _

_ Shame burned behind his cheeks and he pushed his way past Changgu, heading back towards Hongseok’s room. He just needed to get his clothes and leave. It was becoming more and more apparent that he had no place here. “Sorry,” he blurted as he moved past the vocalist. _

This was a mistake. This was a mistake.  _ It repeated in Jinho’s head, making him dizzy between the eyes as he stumbled into Hongseok’s room, fishing for his clothes. _

_ As he tugged his jeans on, he heard a door behind him, encouraging him to finish dressing quickly. He turned and collided with a freshly showered Hongseok, who looked confused as to why Jinho was hurrying to get out. _

_ “Hyung,” he sighed, sounding as if he was happy that he had the older man’s attention now. “Stay for breakfast,” he moved to embrace Jinho in his arms, but the older pulled away quickly. _

_ “I- uhhh,” Jinho breathed, hoping to draw in thoughts. “Have to go.” _

_ The muscular vocalist looked doubtful, but didn’t have a chance to voice this before Jinho was stepping back and tugging Hongseok’s t-shirt off over his head. He started to pull his shirt from yesterday back on, but Hongseok’s hand closed around his bare hip, making him shudder. _

_ “Jinho-hyung,” he rasped, leaning down to kiss Jinho’s shoulder under the hem of his shirt, which he had yet to pull over his head, but was around his arms. “Please- _

* * *

 

-just stay for a bit longer,” the words were all too familiar coming from Hongseok. Jinho momentarily felt like he was going to be sick, knowing that he put Hongseok through this so many times, knowing that he was the reason that Hongseok had bags under his eyes all those years ago, knowing that it was his own damn fault that Hongseok was just as heartbroken as he was.

As much as he hated what Hongseok put him through, as much as he wanted to hate Hongseok, he hated himself twice as much for what he did to him - the man he loved.

“Please, hyung,” Hwitaek reached out to catch his elbow, but he pulled away.

“I don’t  _ want _ your love!” he snapped at Hui, watching the fierce confidence that he would recognize in Pentagon’s leader, but seemed different in solo artist-genius composer Hui. It hurt, watching it all drain from his eyes.

Hongseok was standing right behind Hwitaek and his expression changed with Jinho’s harsh words. He flinched at them.

_ I don’t deserve your love _ , was what Jinho had meant, but in a lash of defence, that’s not what came out. But he didn’t have time to regret it.

“I have to go,” he murmured, shoving Hwitaek away from him and practically running for the door. He tugged it open, noticing that there was a little doorbell that dinged every time the door opened -  _ must be for a pet of some kind  _ \- and he left, letting the door slam shut behind him.

_ They don’t want you anymore, they don’t want you anymore _ , his usual mantra was rattling around inside his brain as he tried to justify his actions to himself on the walk home. He was defending his own emotions, to make sure that he didn’t get hurt again.

Yes, that sounded about right. That’s what he would tell himself when he woke up alone every morning from here on out. That’s what he would say when he went to have dinner by himself. That’s what he would think when he would clean the house and listen to music, but not sing along.

_ It’s for your own good, Jinho. Don’t expect much from them, that’s just selfish. _

He was almost a block from his apartment, when he heard a voice calling after him. It was Hongseok’s. He began walking faster and quickly ducked into his apartment building, letting the gate lock behind him.

“Jinho-hyung, come on!” Hongseok shouted as Jinho ran inside the building. “Just talk to me!”

The man let the door close behind him, but did not yet climb the stairs to his floor. Instead, he sat on the floor and let the shouts from his long past lover wash over him through the thick wooden door.

“Hyung, please,” Hongseok’s voice sounded tired. “Before your neighbors call the police on me!”

Jinho didn’t really care if the cops were called on him, but he didn’t want to deal with pissed neighbors for the next week. And he didn’t want to explain to the police why his ex-band member was shouting at him from the street. Rising to his feet, he tore the door open.

“Fine,” he snapped, pressing the button to unlock the gate and let Hongseok through.

It was night time by now and the sky was dark, but the lights from the city illuminated it for Jinho to see Hongseok clearly, as the man pushed the gate open and fumble with his hands, before stepping closer. It felt straight from a drama, the lead standing in front of her love interest’s house, waiting to confess. Jinho felt like the cold hearted male lead, who’d rejected his would-be lover many times.

Said would-be lover was approaching now, his hands wringing together as he took a deep breath. “Jinho-” Hongseok started, but the older cut him off. 

“Not out here. Follow me,” and he reluctantly led Hongseok up to his small apartment. It was nowhere near as nice as Hwitaek’s and it was probably a third of the size. He felt embarrassed now about the laundry that was draped on his furniture. A few pairs of shoes were spread out around the living room and his kitchen had three day old dishes piling up - which he just couldn’t find time to wash yet.

“Nice place,” Hongseok lied. He looked like it was taking everything in him to not turn his nose up at the sight of Jinho’s living arrangement, which did nothing to improve the older’s mood.

“You wanted to talk,” Jinho sighed, vaguely gesturing towards his one chair and couch. “So...talk. I’m listening.”

Hongseok’s eyes narrowed for a second, a silent  _ are you though?  _ passed over his face before he moved to take a seat on the couch. He seemed hopeful when Jinho moved towards him, but his eagerness evaporated when Jinho sat in the armchair. Away from him.

“Well, first of all. Before we get any further,” Hongseok scooted to the end of the couch and faced Jinho, his hands folded in his lap.  “I’m sorry, hyung,” his voice nearly cracked with his words. “I don’t know what exactly I did to you. I don’t know what happened or why you wanted to leave, or really...why we fell apart like that. But I’m sorry for whatever you blame me for.”

“I-”

“And I love you. Still. I swear I do. I know you say you don’t want it or whatever, but I do, okay?” he took a deep breath. “So...yeah.”

Jinho swallowed thickly and tilted his head down to stare at the ground. He wanted to believe Hongseok’s words - he  _ did  _ believe Hongseok - but he just...there was some kind of mental blocker that was pushing him away. With Hongseok came Pentagon and with Pentagon came memories that Jinho didn’t want. With Pentagon came... _ that night. _

* * *

 

_ The 5th year anniversary came around in no time and despite already practicing for it and everything - Jinho pretended like he was busy, he fussed over preparations for his new musical and while he was acting like he was too busy to attend the anniversary concert, his manager was going behind his back to postpone everything but the concert. _

_ “Dongil-hyung!” Jinho’s voice was exasperated over the phone, but his manager’s voice remained placid. “I told you I didn’t want to go to that and now I look like an idiot for showing up to this rehearsal after you said I was sick. They acted like I was dying and sent me home!” he ranted. _

_ “Jinho-ah,” came Dongil’s voice, sounding as calm as ever, which was needed with Jinho’s occasional temper. “It’s for Pentagon. Come on, you know you’d hate yourself if you missed it. Just go and save face.” _

_ Hanging up as soon as he finished speaking, Jinho groaned to himself. He knew that Dongil was right, he knew that he would regret not going, but mostly...he just didn’t want to face the emotions that came with five years since debut. He hadn’t seen most of the members in a few weeks and even when he did see them, it was short lived. _

_ Except for Hongseok. The last time he’d seen Hongseok was in the younger’s bed, tangled in the sheets with their mouths latched onto the others. It was after Hongseok had somehow managed to convince him to stay for another round of sex, after he’d try to run out the morning after. But he had stayed. _

_ And  _ god _ , did he regret it. _

_ He couldn’t focus on anything work related for almost two days after, his mind always shifting back to the way Hongseok had tenderly stroked his hips, the way he’d pressed his lips to the palm of Jinho’s hand, before tugging him back under the covers. It made him feel sick to his stomach. He was hopeless at this point. _

_ To make matters worse, when he arrived at the CUBE building that evening to finish preparations for the concert, Hongseok was waiting in the lobby with a grin on his face. His hair was still the rose color that they’d dyed it for follow up promotions of their 3rd full album. It was a darker pink that suited his skin color and made him look a little childish as he waited for Jinho. _

_ “Hey, hyung,” he greeted as if he’d only been waiting a few minutes, but Jinho couldn’t help but suspect that it’d been much longer. Maybe an hour or so. _

_ “Hongseok,” Jinho murmured, avoiding the younger’s gaze as he entered the building. He tugged his jacket closer around himself, the early October air was starting to get crisper and he fel this cheeks flush as Hongseok sidled closer to him. It was just the chilly air, he decided. _

_ Together - yet in silence - they made their way to the practice room, where almost all of the members were gathered, Yan An no doubt was still in China. Yeo One was leaning his hands on his knees, his eyes looking tired. He was wearing his usual practice attire and his arms looked scratched in several places, telling Jinho that he’d been working out more, but been reckless about it. _

_ Wooseok and Yuto were as tall and dark as ever, chatting quietly in the corner. Their hair was black as usual and they seemed to be healthy enough when Jinho glanced at them. Hwitaek’s vibrantly silver hair was swept off his forehead, he’d grown out the bangs to hang down in front of his eyes, but they were now elegantly draped on the crown of his head. _

_ He was leaning over the piano next to Hyunggu, going over notes. Jinho was always impressed when he saw Hyunggu, as the maknae had grown a few inches since debut and was now Changgu’s height, but he’d also gained muscle. His chest and arms were filled out enough that Jinho was wary about picking on him. He had blonde locks that were cropped short all around his head and it looked a little early 2000’s to Jinho, but he knew that Hyunggu felt cool. _

_ Surprisingly enough, Shinwon was here, despite his busy modelling schedule. His hair was snow white and long, it was almost chin length and he had it tucked behind his ears, reminding Jinho of a true model. It was attractive on him and his height and broad shoulders only improved his looks. He was standing with Hyojong, who had dark brown hair, cut short and styled off his forehead. He was more quiet than usual. _

_ “Hyung,” Wooseok greeted, drawing everyone’s attention to Jinho’s arrival. _

_ The oldest flushed under the sudden attention as Changgu approached and patted him on the back soothingly, drawing him close to his side. Hwitaek smiled and bowed his head, Hyunggu following suit, before they were buried back in the setlist. _

_ Shinwon came up to the other side of Jinho, squishing him in between Changgu and himself. He ruffled his hyung’s black hair - much to the older’s annoyance and he gave him a striking grin. “Hey, hyung,” he murmured. “You look good.” _

_ His hand slid across Jinho’s shoulders and moved down his back, until it met Changgu’s midway down Jinho’s back. He felt their fingers slowly interlock as if they were holding onto each other and Jinho at the same time. _

_ Not that he had noticed, but he did look good now that he could see himself in the mirror. Under Eunkwang’s suggestion, Jinho had worked on his body a lot for his musical, he put on lots of muscle and it made it so much easier to run around on stage and act and dance. It gave him a confidence that he wasn’t expecting, even if his body wasn’t shown. _

_ He was surprised that he looked so healthy, as he didn’t feel it, especially right now. He felt like shit and not because he was sick, he was just stressed and a mixture of emotions were boiling in the pit of his stomach, ready to burst up through him and destroy every friendship he’d ever formed. _

_ “Alright, let’s discuss,” Hwitaek clapped his hands, drawing everyone’s attention. Jinho noticed that he wasn’t the only one who’d been exercising as he observed Hwitaek’s arms. He wondered if their leader had taken up drumming. “Yan An can’t catch a break from his schedule,” a succession of groans and sighs of frustration and sadness interrupted him momentarily. _

_ “We’ll have to fill the empty space,” Hwitaek continued, sadly. “So Hongseok if you want to assume your usual role of singing for Yan An, we’ll have to change some of the choreos to fit you into his place.” _

_ Jinho knew that a select few of their choreographies hadn’t included Yan An even once, but those that did were now going to follow suit and exclude their Chinese member. It killed Jinho inside. _

_ They started with practicing Like This, as Hwitaek liked to kick off concerts with this, it did wonders to hype them and their Universe for the other peformances. After Like This, they moved into One More Night and from there they performed Organic Song, then Heaven, which helped to slow it down enough for You Are. _

_ Going through the setlist, it all fit together perfectly until they ended with It’s Over. But they knew their audience too well and knew that they’d have to have an encore stage, which is where they prepared Cupcake and Smile to end things on a good note. And that was all they wanted at this point, was for it to end on a good note. To end with a Smile. _

* * *

 

_ The next day came with the concert and they found themselves rushing to finish preparations before that night, Jinho practicing harder than anyone, as he’d missed a few rehearsals for his musical. They had one final rehearsal together after the stage was finished, all 9 of them now standing firmly on the platform, facing a currently empty audience - save a few staff members. _

_ “It all sounds good, boys,” came their stage directors voice over the speakers. _

_ “Thank you,” Hwitaek spoke into his microphone, before addressing some of the staff. “Can we move some of these lights farther from the stairs? When we do You Are, I don’t want anyone to trip,” he continued nitpicking details and Jinho tuned him out. _

_ He stared out towards the empty seats, row after row was vacant, it gave him a sinking feeling in his stomach. Nothing felt worse to him than facing an empty auditorium, it was one of his worst fears. It was almost more terrifying than when they’d performed in the Tokyo Dome, a shining moment of all of their careers. _

_ A hand clapped onto his shoulder, scaring him out of his trance and he turned to see Hyunggu cozying up to him. “It’ll be beautiful,” he spoke this as a promise and Jinho hoped to god he was right. _

_ “It should be” he smirked, his words leaving his lips before he thought about them. “Last hurrahs always are.” _

_ Hyunggu’s expression fell and Jinho tried to process what he’d just said. He watched the maknae’s face break in front of him, before it clicked in his mind.  _ Why did I say that? _ He thought.  _ Is this really what I’ve been waiting for?

_ He excused himself quickly and exited the stage as fast as he could, not stopping to look at anyone. His mind was reeling and his stomach was knotting, he felt like his throat was closing. He needed to just breathe. He had to take a step back and think about what was going on in his thoughts. _

_ While he tried to figure out the whirlwind of thoughts in his head, the commotion coming off stage went unnoticed. He locked himself in the bathroom as the rest of the members came back. There was shouting and a small scuffle and by the time Jinho had managed to get a hold of his mild panic attack and come out, he found quite a sight. _

_ Shinwon’s lip was bleeding slightly and Yuto was glowering at him from Hongseok’s arms, as the older man held the maknae back. Hyojong was braced in front of Shinwon, hands on his chest to hold him away from the Japanese man. _

_ “What the hell?” Jinho gaped. _

_ Hwitaek was coming down off the stage from apologizing to the staff and he looked entirely flustered. “That was immature,” he spoke carefully and coldly, his eyes narrowed at Shinwon and Yuto both.  _

_ “What happened?” the oldest asked, trying again to get an answer. He went ignored and Hongseok met his gaze, he shook his head carefully, warning him not to push. _

_ “Sorry, hyung,” Yuto’s face looked genuinely sorry, but when his eyes met Shinwon’s again, he seemed defiant. The model didn’t look so apologetic himself. _

_ Hwitaek groaned, running his hands through his hair, his bare face brought out every tired line and dark circle on his skin and Jinho wondered when he last slept more than 3 hours was. “I’m going to go talk to the manager-hyungs and finalize preparations. I expect you two to be finished with this mess by the time we need to start dressing.” _

_ All of the members bowed their heads slightly as Hwitaek pushed past Jinho, fixing his hyung with a blank expression that said he wasn’t too pleased with him. Jinho fidgeted a little, he felt concern fill him. Had Hyunggu told everyone what he said? _

_ He spotted the maknae dancer by Wooseok’s side, both of them with pursed lips. When Hyunggu noticed Jinho’s gaze on him, his eyes went wide and started to well a little with tears, before the maknae was turning around to pretend to look for something. Jinho started towards him, but was stopped by Hongseok. _

_ “Come’ere,” the taller man mumbled, grabbing onto Jinho’s bicep and tugging him with him down the hall that Hwitaek had disappeared down. _

_ They walked halfway down the hall, until Hongseok ducked into a room, it was usually where they’d be getting their hair and makeup done, but none of the coordi-noonas were here. They seemed to have set up their equipment before leaving to eat before the boys were ready to get all dolled up for the concert.  _

_ Hongseok gestured towards one of the stools in front of the counter and mirror and Jinho carefully sat down. Hongseok sat adjacent to him, but didn’t turn to face him. Instead, he leaned his elbows on the counter and met Jinho’s eyes in the reflection of the mirror. The lights that surrounded the mirror were off for now and Jinho was grateful for the lack of glare from the bulbs. _

_ “What happened?” the oldest asked. _

_ The other man sighed a little, before speaking. “Shinwon mentioned that our Tokyo Dome concert was our last stage with Yan An. Yuto wasn’t really pleased about it, but then Shinwon joked that CUBE would send him to promote in Japan by himself.” _

_ “I take it Yuto didn’t like that either.” _

_ “Not really. He seemed to think that Shinwon was calling him expendale.” _

_ Jinho sighed. “Hwitaek was right. That is childish.” _

_ “I know,” Hongsoek murmured. Despite agreeing with Jinho, he still looked bothered. There appeared to be something else on his mind. _

_ Not wanting to press or cross boundaries, Jinho rose to his feet. He really wanted to get to Hyunggu before he started running his mouth. He would tell the maknae that he was joking, that he didn’t mean it, anything to keep him from spreading a rumor that Jinho wasn’t sure was just a rumor. _

_ “Hyung,” Hongseok caught his wrist. “What were you and Hyunggu talking about?” Hongseok’s eyes were bright and curious, but there was something deeper, something sadder, lurking beneath. _

_ “What do you mean?” Jinho snapped. _

_ The younger seemed only mildly hurt by his sudden harsh tone. “Well, after you left, Hyunggu looked...scared,” Hongseok admitted, as if it was painful just to say it. “I was going to come make sure that you were okay, but then Shinwon and Yuto started bickering. I just wanted to check now that nothing was wrong.” _

Do I tell him? Do I risk him telling everyone if Hyunggu doesn’t?  _ Questions surrounded him until he cleared his throat. _

_ “It’s nothing, everything’s fine,” he smiled reassuringly. _

_ “And...you’d tell me if it was something, right?” Hongseok stood up, now towering over Jinho once more. _

_ The oldest swallowed, before nodding. “Of course.” _

_ This seemed to satiate the vocalist and he pulled Jinho close, kissing his nose gently, before leaning down and moving closer. Jinho retracted last second. He just couldn’t stomach kissing Hongseok right now. Not because he thought it was gross or didn’t want to, but because...it felt wrong. It felt like he was betraying him. _

_ “Sorry,” Jinho whispered, leaving that as his only explanation, before slipping from his would-be lover’s arms and heading for the door. He didn’t stop to look back. He didn’t cast one last longing glance at Hongseok. He just...left. _

_ This would be only the first time that Jinho hurt Hongseok. _

* * *

_ After the concert, performing the encore left everybody in a buzz of excitement as they exited the stage. They were all bouncing with joy, still riding on the stage-euphoria that so many of them hadn’t experienced in a long while. There was something special about the audience that attended their concerts, some of them familiar faces, some new. Regardless, every time it filled the boys with an inexplicable energy. _

_ Hwitaek, 28 years old and grinning like a child, came bounding off stage, bowing to the camera in the back, before heading straight for the coordi-noonas, who would help him unwind. Each of the members in attendance took a turn bowing to the camera, thanking Universes, etc. and went straight for the dressing room. _

_ All of them were gathered in one dressing room, chattering excitedly and drinking lots and lots of water. Most of them were out of breath and those that weren’t had no voice. Too much shouting and singing did that to them. _

_ Hyojong had recovered the fastest, energized and seemingly refueled from being on stage and he had already begun recounting moments from the concert. He spoke as if it was days ago, despite having ended not even half an our before. _

_ He explained that his favorite moment was when they read off letters from each other and then threw the plastic balls - containing thank you notes from each of them - into the crowd, trying to reach every Universe in sight. A tear came to his eyes as he spoke, a fond smile fixed on his lips. _

_ “That was nice,” Hwitaek agreed. _

_ A few of the other members recounted their favorite moments, but both Hwitaek and Jinho remained quiet as the others exchanged tears and laughter. Jinho snuck a glance at the leader and saw just how utterly tired he looked. He silently hoped he would get a good night’s rest, but he knew how unlikely that was for Hwitaek. _

_ “Alright boys, you’ve got a live on the VAPP in an hour, let’s get you into the car,” a manager announced and just like old times, they herded the men out of the concert hall. They made their way from the street to the vans, greeted by a horde of fans on their way and were eventually on the road. _

_ The drive seemed to pass by in a blink and before Jinho could even process that he was shoved in the middle in the back, between Shinwon and Yuto, who were still not speaking to each other, they were all being rushed out of the van and into the CUBE building. _

_ Now sitting in their practice room, they were all seated in a line in chairs, with presents from the managers, fans and each other on the ground in front of them. The camera was started, a red light glowing at the top to tell them that it was on. _

_ It started off as expected, with lots of cheering and greetings, they even went so far as to introduce themselves. Shinwon was up to his usual shenanigans of pretending that Yan An was sat in the empty chair next to him, which the others laughed at. _

_ None of it felt real, Jinho realized as it carried on, just as it usually would. Hwitaek laughed loud and cheerfully, trying to hide just how exhausted he was. Hyojong acted weird and tried to be funny, hiding the fact that he was too tired to even speak on the drive over. Changgu was smiling constantly and acting embarrassing as always, but Jinho knew, he knew that he had been struggling with his depression recently and hadn’t had the heart to get out of bed just a few days before. _

_ All of the fake smiles and laughs, Jinho saw right through all of them. Hyunggu still acted like the baby of the group, pretending like he hadn’t been having drinking problems recently. Shinwon pretended like he was the funny cool guy that everyone loved, even though he was finding it difficult to fit in these days. _

_ Yuto acted shy and cute, but Jinho knew he was having anger management classes with the CUBE therapist. And Wooseok, he acted manly and pretended like he was a ‘swaggy rapper’ as they’d always called him, but Jinho knew that he’d been crawling into Changgu’s bed every other night, desperate for someone to hold him while he slept. _

_ Lastly, Jinho looked at Hongseok, he was handsome and calm as ever, but beneath it, beneath the mask, Jinho could see he was breaking. His surface was cracked and starting to reveal the pain underneath it all. _

_ Even Jinho himself, he acted cute when they wanted him to, he pretended to be the responsible oldest, hiding that he was falling away from the group more and more with each passing day. The whole group was falling apart and no one would see it coming, no one would see that they’d each been bearing their pain for years and couldn’t hold each other up anymore. _

_ Changgu withdrew a tablet and announced that Yan An would be video calling them shortly. Everyone pretended to cheer and be excited, but Jinho  _ knew _ , he knew that no one wanted to video call Yan An. It hurt too much, only able to speak with him through a screen, not having him there with him, it was all too painful of a reminder. _

_ When the Chinese man came into view, looking tanner than when they’d last seen him, his hair a burgundy color and his expression more serious than they’d been expecting, Jinho felt it in his heart. He felt the pain, he felt the longing, he felt the empty space. He felt the missing, the breaking, he felt the end, creeping closer and closer. _

_ They all talked with Yan An and everyone seemed to pretend like they’d just spoken days ago, but there were empty places in the conversation, where they would mention something and realize that  _ oh, _ Yan An hadn’t been there for that. Or they would joke about “ _ if _ he ever returns” and Yan An’s face would go dull and they would all silently realize that it was a very real possibility that he might not. _

_ By the time they were hanging up with Yan An to let him sleep, the managers pointed at the clock and they all understood that they were running out of time. There was only six minutes left for their VLIVE. Soon the cameras would turn off and the facades would drop, the pretense and the forced laughter and smiles, it would all melt away to reveal not Pentagon, but Hwitaek and Hyojong and Hongseok and Jinho and Wooseok and Adachi and Hyunggu and Changgu. _

_ This was not Pentagon. Not anymore. _

* * *

_ On Hongseok and Hyojong’s insistence, Hwitaek and Jinho joined the others back at the dorm, for a drink before midnight. “Before it’s all over,” Hyojong had said, not noticing the way Hyunggu’s expression darkened at this. _

_ They were all sat in the living room, few words being exchanged as they sipped their assorted liquors. They had sung Precious Promise before the live ended and everyone was feeling a little deflated after that, their faces were solemn and they were quiet now. _

_ It was eventually Changgu that broke the silence. “I miss him,” was all he said, before draining his glass of soju and going to refill it. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Shinwon spoke softly, choosing not to elaborate. _

_ This started a domino effect, one by one, confessions started to slip past their tongues and each one of them spoke up. They were only short simple phrases that they had had on their minds or hearts for a long time now, explanations not needed or given. _

_ “I’m tired,” Hwitaek confessed as if it was the last thing he’d wanted to admit to. _

_ “I’m scared.” _

_ “I’m lonely.” _

_ “I want everything to go back to how it was.” _

_ “I love you.” _

_ “Everything hurts.” _

_ There was a silence that echoed around the room and finally Jinho spoke. Everyone seemed to have been waiting for him, despite nothing being said. _

_ “I’m done.” _

_ The night was supposed to end there. That was supposed to be it and he was supposed to walk away, he was supposed to pass out on the couch and then wake up at the ass crack of dawn. He was supposed to leave before anyone else was awake and then he was supposed to file the terminate his contract the next day. _

_ But things didn’t work out like that. He refilled his glass with beer and then went back to the living room, everyone was still sitting quietly, but Wooseok had started to slip. His eyes were going glassy and he was beginning to pout. Jinho’s heart ached. He couldn’t handle this right now. _

_ He knew that if Wooseok was Little right now, it would effect everything. Hyojong would grow uncomfortable and everyone would leave him in the hands of Jinho and Yuto. They would abandon him as they always did. _

_ Tears began to drip down Wooseok’s face and he slowly lifted his chin to stare at Jinho. “Hyung,” he whimpered. He looked utterly shattered inside and Jinho’s head began to spin. It felt like the world was tipping upside down and throwing Jinho to the ground to fend for himself. When he realized he was still upright, he started to move forwards, but he didn’t get to the maknae first. _

_ Hyojong had risen and collected a blanket from the couch. He carefully came closer and offered it out to Wooseok. “Here, sweetie,” he spoke softly and Wooseok took it from him gratefully, wrapping himself in it. Hyojong crawled onto the couch next to the maknae and he locked his arms around him, whispering apologies while Wooseok cried into his lap. _

_ It was quiet all around the room save Wooseok’s cries, as each of them seemed to realize that Hyojong had changed. He wasn’t afraid anymore, and he was willing to love Wooseok despite this one...oddity. It gave the rest of them a little bit of courage for a moment. They seized the chance that was given to them. _

_ Each of them approached and sat on the floor by the couch, or crowded close by. They were all there to support Wooseok, to love him and praise him and protect him as they’d always done. When his tears finally subsided and he slowly came back to himself, sniffling a little and looking around at his hyungs, who each so obviously loved him, he hiccuped a little before a tiny smile appeared on his lips. _

_ Ignoring his tears and wet cheeks, Yuto leaned forwards and gently kissed his lips. It was so tender that it seemed to shock Wooseok, who was fully himself again and was staring at the Japanese man with wide eyes. _

_ Hyojong chuckled and repeated the action, letting his lips linger for a moment longer. The maknae flushed under the attention and it didn’t take long for Hyunggu to catch on and kiss him as well.  _

_ The initial shock wore off and underneath was a giggly maknae that they were all grateful for, if Wooseok was happy, it was easier to ignore the pain that was so heavy in the room. Hwitaek kissed Wooseok harder than the others had, letting his fingers grip the younger man’s head and pull him close. It shocked all of them and the second the leader released the maknae, Hyojong was kissing the boy again, as if desperate to taste Hwitaek on Wooseok’s lips. _

_ Changgu seemed to take the extra step further and met Hwitaek’s lips, pressing close to the leader, eager for that comfort that Hwitaek always provided. They could all pretend to be Pentagon once again, just long enough to draw strength from each other...one last time. _

_ In a shocking turn of events, it wasn’t long before they all ended up in the maknae’s room, beds shoved together to mimic one large bed. Jinho found himself quickly pushed onto his back, Yuto laying on top of him and nibbling at his ear. Similar situations surrounded them and Jinho lost track of what was happening. He was fucked by at least two different people and ended up fingering - probably the whole group - and had kissed everyone several times. _

_ All he would remember clearly from this night would be sticky skin on sticky skin, lips in every crevice of his body, hands holding him down, fingernails scratching into his scalp. He would remember the blur of the other members pushing each other into the mattress, grinding their bodies together and the wonderful  _ sounds _ that filled the room. _

_ The gasps and groans and moans, the growls of lust and the whimpers of desire, the shouts and cries as they climaxed and the whines as they were overstimulated by each other. It was all too much, yet not enough. He had tasted every single one of them, but he felt like he hadn’t had enough. He wanted to drink them all in, just once, to know what it was like before he left. _

_ He wanted to devour each of them, to make sure that they remembered him, to make sure that not one of them slipped his mind ever. He didn’t want this to end, but he knew it had to. It was already happening, the doors were already starting to close and Jinho was running out of time to collect memories before he slipped out and let them slam shut behind him. _

_ As he finally settled down to sleep, his legs tangled with Shinwon’s, Hongseok’s arms were around him, holding him tight. Lying on Jinho’s chest was a drained Hwitaek, looking completely worn out and wrecked, the leader was draped over Jinho’s entire body. He was starting to lose feeling to his feet and he knew he would normally wake him up to make him move. But...he couldn’t. _

_ The dark circles under Hwitaek’s eyes and the crease between his eyebrows stopped Jinho. He wasn’t going to wake him. He couldn’t bring himself to. The younger looked just so tired, so overworked and so stressed, that Jinho remained still. He let him sleep. _

_ Eventually, he himself fell asleep, his eyelids heavy and his breathing even. He was content with most of his members, even if it was for but a moment. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been feeling really down recently so any comments you guys have, please share them, it'll make me feel a lot better to know if people are actually enjoying this story eek
> 
> also i got really emo writing this, you can probably see why...  
> i know i said it's jinhongseok, but while they're the main focus, they're not the only pairing hehe
> 
> if you guys want to guess who made each of the 'confessions' i didn't just do them randomly, so you can guess or if you just ask, i'll tell you or whatever. or you might not even care at all and that's totally fine as well LOL  
> (and i swear i'll do yan an justice, it's just a matter of time, don't worry)
> 
> also not related, but in a week i'm going to see day6 in new york!!! with one of my best friends!!! i'm so excited :)
> 
> you can find me on my writing twitter/tumblr @nolovevip  
> or on my main twitter @leehwitake or tumblr @hwitaekkk  
> please let me know what you guys think!! thank you so much for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Nearly a week after Hongseok had spoken to Jinho in his apartment, after Jinho had dismissed him with a weak “I’ll try to think about it” and sent him on his way, Jinho was feeling conflicted as ever. On the one hand, he wanted to meet up with the other members, but on the other...he wanted to let the past stay in the past.

He wasn’t given apt time to make his decision, because as soon as he’d settled down to drink coffee, waiting for Hwitaek and Hongseok - as they’d agreed on another meeting - there was a knock on his apartment door. He rose to his feet, sliding his coffee to the side of the table to wait while he answered it.

The door swung back to reveal a beaming Kang Hyunggu, his hair a lovely lavender color that it had once been long long ago. Jinho’s heart skipped a beat and he was only just realizing how much he’d missed him, his energy and his general loveliness.   


“Hyung,” Hyunggu practically ran into Jinho’s arms. The older being reminded of just how much taller than him he was. Jinho gasped a little at the familiarity of Hyunggu’s arms around him, holding him close.

Burying his face into the dancer’s chest, Jinho felt his throat grow thick with apologies and tears and he tried his damndest to bite them all back. It hurt, but it was the kind of pain that was due by now. He deserved this, in all honesty. He deserved to feel the regret for what he’d done. The pain for all the pain he’d caused them.

Hyunggu wasn’t Hongseok and he wasn’t Hwitaek and Jinho didn’t feel like he had to pretend, he didn’t want to pretend like he didn’t miss them and he didn’t want to act as if he wasn’t bothered by any of what had happened. 

And so he clung onto Hyunggu, holding on his arms, not wanting him to let go.

“Ahh, hyung,” Hyunggu laughed a little and Jinho finally pulled away. “I’m not here alone.”

Behind him was - of course - Yuto and Wooseok, who entered the small apartment and sandwiched Jinho in between them. They held onto him, finally having him back in their arms. There was more than just relief in their eyes when they finally pulled away to look down at him.

“It’s been awhile,” Jinho murmured awkwardly. He owed them an apology. He owed them a lot more than that - 3 years of him being in their life, probably a whole bucket full of their tears back  and Pentagon - but for now, an apology would have to do. “I’m sorry.”

“Hyung,” Wooseok sighed, running his fingers through Jinho’s dry hair. “It wasn’t just your fault, y’know.”

Surprise hit Jinho in the chest. This was the first time he was hearing this, the first time someone had told him...it wasn’t just his fault. He wasn’t the only one to blame. It was relieving to hear, but somehow equally as troubling. This meant that there was more to fix than what Jinho could control.

He was losing himself in the maknae’s presence, his mask of a cold exterior had slipped the second he saw Hyunggu and he was starting to feel like a hyung again. But it quickly returned when he remembered who he was now.

“You should come in for coffee,” he moved out of the doorway and allowed them into his apartment. The hulking twins, who had bulked up significantly since the last time he saw them, they must have been eating well, looked even bigger in Jinho’s small kitchen. But there was no complaints.

They all four drank coffee and Jinho eventually had them move to the living room so they could tell him all about how promotions for their new album had been going.

“In all honesty,” Jinho confessed. “I’ve listened to every one of your songs. I’m a bit of a fanboy, really,” he blushed, meeting Hyunggu’s eye. The dancer was grinning, looking a little flustered himself. “I even went to your concert last year. You were performing with Eunkwang-hyung. I cried my way through the whole concert.”

The maknaes all laughed. Jinho had forgotten how warm and inviting Wooseok’s laugh was, how soft and high Yuto’s was and how genuine and beautiful Hyunggu’s was. It made his chest feel all kinds of gooey and emotional and he wondered how long it would be before he broke into tears once again.

No one but the maknaes made him feel like this. He knew that.

“So how did you three know where I live? Or have you always known?” the idea of them having known all this time and not coming to see him made Jinho feel horrible inside, how badly he would have had to hurt them for them to deliberately not visit him even once...it hurt again.

“Hongseok-hyung told us yesterday actually, he said that they were going to meet with you today, but we got impatient,” Adachi admitted sheepishly. “We really missed you, hyung.”

“Even if you’ve changed,” Hyunggu cut in. “we’re still happy to see you again.”

He supposed he had changed quite a bit, not only was he more bitter now, colder, he wasn’t as healthy and his skin was even more flawed. He was no longer an idol, he wasn’t beautiful anymore. He looked older, dirtier and far more tired somehow. It was embarrassing to be facing these three stunning men looking like he did.

“Well, you’ve all changed as well. You’ve gotten more handsome in your old age,” he teased, eager to change the subject already.

“Yah, hyung,” Wooseok complained. “We’re not old!”

The atmosphere continued to be friendly and comfortable like this, Jinho easily slipping back into the role of a teasing loving hyung. It was always so easy with the maknaes. It wasn’t as complicated with them as it was with the others. They were young and stubborn enough to be headstrong and to know what they wanted and to take it.

Perhaps that’s why they were the only ones still in a group.

The doorbell rang and Jinho sighed.  _ That would be them _ , he thought a little glumly. He was enjoying having the maknaes all to himself again and he didn’t want it to end just yet. But he got up to answer the door anyways. This time he pressed his eye to the peephole to see who it was, just to make sure he wasn’t given a shock again.

It was indeed Hongseok and Hwitaek, who were murmuring in hushed tones to each other. They were both dressed comfortably, Hongseok in a sweatshirt and jeans and Hwitaek in what seemed to be stylish shorts and a sweater.  _ Cute, _ crossed Jinho’s mind before he opened the door.

“Jinho,” Hwitaek sighed, as if he wasn’t expecting Jinho to actually answer. After Jinho’s outburst when he’d last seen him, he seemed to be very conscious of the older.

“Do you have company?” Hongseok asked, looking suspicious. He must have heard the voices through the door.

“Yeah,” Jinho replied simply, before abandoning them at the door, the door was open, they could get themselves the extra mile into the house.

Returning to the living room, Jinho noticed the maknaes exchanging an odd look. Hwitaek entered and immediately his expression shifted when he saw the boys. It was obvious it’d been awhile for him as well as he quickly moved over to hug each of them. He was murmuring quiet greetings with them while Hongseok crooked a finger at Jinho.

“Sorry, I didn’t think they’d just drop in like this,” Hongseok was apologizing before Jinho could finish crossing the room to him. The older just shook his head.

“I’m glad they came, it’s good to see them,” he admitted.

“Oh,” Hongseok nodded a little bit. “Good.”

There was some form of disappointment in Hongseok’s eyes, but Jinho didn’t have the motivation to figure it out right now, so he simply turned back to observe Hwitaek cupping Yuto’s face in his hands, chiding him happily for putting on weight.

“You’ve been eating well,” he was cooing, making the Japanese man roll his eyes far back in his head. “I’m so proud of you,” he squished the man’s rounded cheeks delightedly.

It was almost like Hwitaek hadn’t changed at all. But then he was reminded of where he was, and he was back to the expressionless stiff man that he was when Jinho had seen him last. It seemed that losing the most precious thing in your life makes you a bit...dead to the world. It seems when Pentagon broke, so did Hwitaek.

Jinho offered drinks and what little snacks he had and was satisfied to see that everyone ate at least a little bit. He sat on his chair and almost apologized when Hongseok and Hyunggu sat on the floor, Hwitaek, Yuto and Wooseok occupying the couch, but he wasn’t given a chance when Hongseok began talking.

“So, Hwitaek and I were thinking, for this...reunion of sorts. It’ll definitely have to be at Hwitaek’s penthouse, but also...” Hongseok paused for a moment. “We don’t want it to be a party, but we aren’t opposed to sharing it on social media. We want to give some hope to our fans, to Universes, that Pentagon isn’t totally dead.”

There were some uncomfortable shifts, before Hongseok continued. “And if anyone has a problem with this, they can voice it. But mostly we just want to talk and figure things out. We want to talk about what happened when we disbanded, what happened after and...before, too.”

They all knew what he was referring to, but they chose not to speak about it. Instead, Yuto just cleared his throat. “And Shinwon and Changgu will be there too, right?”

“Hopefully.”

“Cool.”

The discussion went back and forth between the most mundane details and Jinho hated it. It felt like the silliest thing, planning a reunion for them, like some kind of family get together that he would have been forced to attend as a child. It was starting to feel fake.

He kept quiet however, knowing that if he voiced his thoughts, it would start another fight, which they most certainly did not need. When Hongseok seemed to be done at last, the others were quietly agreeing and Jinho just nodded, not really having listened.

“Great,” Hwitaek clapped his hands together, starting to fall back into old leader habits. “Operation, bring Pentagon back together, is a go,” he smirked. His voice was joking, but something about his eyes told the others that he wasn’t. They knew it could never happen now, but still he wanted it more than anything.

* * *

 

The dreaded day was approaching faster and Jinho was starting to regret doing what Hongseok had requested of him and asking for the day off from work. That put him out of an excuse. He was filled with a mixture of excitement and fear. He was terrified of facing these people again, after everything they’d been through together. But he was also excited, because it meant he still had some form of a grip on his youth. On his past. On Pentagon.

Maybe there was hope.

Hwitaek had asked to meet him and he agreed to it, but was slightly worried when he realized that Hwitaek had come alone, Hongseok had not come with him and they were not standing across from each other in a coffee shop with no buffer. There was no one there to tell Jinho that he’d gone too far. There was no one to tell Hwitaek to back off.

They sat in a secluded booth at the back of the cafe and as Jinho slowly sipped his coffee, Hwitaek stirred his tea and avoided eye contact. There were so many things to discuss but neither wanted to be the first to talk.

“Sorry,” Jinho cleared his throat, choking on the word awkwardly.

Hwitaek’s eyes drifted up to look at him, before moving back to his tea. “For...?” the question was left open and Jinho wasn’t sure if he genuinely didn’t know, or if he just wanted Jinho to try harder than that. Either one was understandable.

“What I said. The other day...at your house. I-” he hesitated, licked his lips and continued. “I didn’t mean it.”

He watched the emotions change in his former leader’s eyes and it wasn’t more than a few seconds before Hwitaek was nodding. He took a deep breath, before asking. “What happened, hyung?” his voice sounded so small and hurt and it twisted something in Jinho’s gut.

“What do you mean?”

“What happened to us? To you? Why did you leave? Why did we fall apart like that?” Hwitaek was speaking quickly but his voice cracked and he had to stop to swallow back tears. “Why couldn’t we have just talked it out?”

Jinho stopped and considered, why did all that happen? Why was it so difficult? Why couldn’t they have figured it out together as they always did? He was lost in his thoughts, but looked up at Hui. “Not here, okay? Let’s...” he paused. “Let’s go up to my apartment and we’ll talk there, okay?”

They took their drinks and walked in silence down the block towards Jinho’s apartment, Hwitaek looked so out of place on this side of the city. His slacks and light blue button down making him stick out like a sore thumb amongst the crippling buildings and Jinho’s own old jeans and plaid over shirt. Hui’s hair was immaculate and Jinho’s looked like he hadn’t washed or brushed it in days. It was an interesting contrast.

When they reached the building where Jinho lived, Hwitaek examined it and sighed. It was the second time he’d been here, but he seemed to be no more impressed this time than he was last time. As if he had a hard time believing that Jinho really lived in this decrepit building.

They climbed the stairs, an old woman one floor down was cursing at them as they passed for kicking her potted plant. Hwitaek cowered and Jinho simply bowed and apologized, before they climbed the last floor up. The younger man still seemed bewildered as Jinho closed the door to his small apartment behind him.

“Go ahead and sit down, I’ve just gotta hang the wash real quick,” he explained, heading to the back room where his laundry sat waiting.

Hui looked uncomfortable in his own skin as he fumbled around to find somewhere to sit. Where there weren’t piles of bills and newspapers from the past few weeks, there was boxes spread out, clothes thrown haphazardly inside and some wrapped items were placed on the one couch. Hwitaek sat on the only armchair and crossed his legs under him, looking smaller than even Jinho.

When the homeowner returned, satisfied with his laundry work, he spotted Hui curled up on the chair and his eyes moved to the couch. He blushed and began moving things to make room for himself.

“Are you moving?” Hwitaek asked, sounding almost fearful. In his eyes, Jinho could read the hurt, the worry, the fear that he would lose him again.

Jinho slowly shook his head. “No....no, I’m just packing away some stuff...for storage,” he nodded, chewing on his lip a little. Why was Hwitaek so concerned about it? “Anyways, you wanted to uh...talk.”

“Yeah,” Hui nodded. “Uhm, just about...y’know, what happened...”

“Right,” Jinho rubbed his palms on his pants, he lowered himself onto the couch and stared across at Hwitaek. He watched the younger man’s pupils shift around awkwardly, before settling into the couch, the cushions caving under his weight and cradling his body.

There was a quiet in the air that pressed on the window frames and curled into the light fixtures, making them hum loudly.  _ You need new ones _ , Hwitaek thought while he waited for Jinho to speak.

“I lost it,” Jinho’s voice was quiet as he took a deep breath. “That feeling, yknow? When we first debuted, there was that...high, that euphoria. You used to say you felt it every time you went on stage.”

Hwitaek smiled fondly, as if an old memory came to him just then. “Still do,” he whispered.

“Well I don’t. I didn’t. One day, I just...didn’t feel it. And then on top of that, Yan An was gone and we didn’t feel whole, w-we weren’t Pentagon. It’s like you said before we debuted,” Jinho licked his lips, drawing up a moment in his mind from years and years ago. “As ten, or not at all.”

The younger man blinked at him for a moment before nodding a little. “I think I understand what you’re getting at, but...why didn’t you ever say something?”

“Because!” Jinho snapped, the old feelings of hurt and betrayal and the confusion was all coming back to him. “Because I’m the oldest. I can’t communicate like you guys could. If someone had a problem, they came to me, if someone needed help, they came to me. It just-I got overwhelmed. And I couldn’t explain that, I don’t know, I’m just not good with words like you are. Not when it comes to my feelings.”

“You could have talked to me, I told you that,” Hui was frowning.

“No, I couldn’t have. You ar- were the leader, you already had so much going on. It was too much for you. And Hongseok,” Jinho paused. He seemed to be contemplating how much he could tell Hwitaek now. “I was in love with him. I didn’t want him to see me any differently. I guess…I guess I was afraid.”

Letting the moment sink in, and not wanting to dismiss his feelings, Hwitaek didn’t speak and simply reached out to place his palm against Jinho’s kneecap.

“Just like SM all over again,” Hui guessed and Jinho nodded in return.

“I got scared and overwhelmed and I bailed...I’m sorry,” Jinho’s voice began to crack. “I-I tore us apart. It’s all my fault.”

“ _ No _ ,” Hwitaek stood up off the chair and moved to sit at Jinho’s feet, pressing his hands into the older’s thighs comfortingly. “Hyung, no. You can’t blame yourself, n-not entirely, I mean. We all let it happen, it’s everyone’s fault.”

Jinho shook his head. “Was it Yan An’s fault then, for not being there? Was it the maknae’s fault, for trying their damndest to keep us together? I’ll save your breath, the answer’s no. We can’t pretend like we aren’t the main one’s responsible, anymore. It was our fault, we were the oldest, we should have taken better care of them!”

For a moment, Jinho regretted his words, but the change of expression on Hwitaek’s face, from shock to guilt made him realize the truth in what he’d said.

“You’re right,” Hui murmured. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for us all, I was always stuck on th-this dream of being an idol and...I lost sight of reality at some point. But that doesn’t mean we can’t fix what happened.”

“We can’t just go back to being an idol group,” Jinho scoffed.

“That’s...not what I meant,” Hwitaek licked his lips. “I mean what we  _ had _ , all of us.”

Soft memories drifted into Jinho’s mind, of limbs and touches and kisses and it overwhelmed his senses. He had to take a deep breath, the reminder of  _ what they had _ was making his stomach twist in an uncomfortable way, he wasn’t sure if it was a sick feeling or something deeper. He decided to brush it aside.

“I don’t-”

“Don’t say you don’t want that again, because I know you do. We all do. I can see it in your eyes,” Hui’s own eyes were beginning to narrow, he could see right through Jinho and they both knew it.

The older swallowed and stared at the ground, the sunlight had crept through and was turning the fibers of his carpet a dusty orange color, reminding him that it was steadily getting later and later into the afternoon. His hands were a little shaky as he ran them through his own hair, following Hwitaek’s eyes as he watched him, wondering if he too wished it was Hui’s hand and not Jinho’s.

“Want a drink?” Jinho finally spoke, rising to his feet, sounding tired beyond all reason.

Hwitaek’s eyes followed him to the kitchen as he walked towards the refrigerator. Frustrated, he gripped his own head in his hands, staring intensely into the carpet, wondering where it went wrong. His gaze shifted around the room, his thoughts heavy, before it landed on the doorway to Jinho’s room. He noticed something in there that made his heart flip hopefully.

While Jinho was busy trying to find a beer, Hui got up and quietly walked into the bedroom.

“Beer or soju...?” Jinho spoke to himself, he didn’t want to look behind him to see Hwitaek’s puppy eyes. It was just as he was retrieving ice from his freezer when a sound made him pause. It was a soft familiar melody, a sound coming from his bedroom.  _ My piano. _ His stomach twisted as he followed the sound.

He had been planning on getting rid of the piano, as he hadn’t touched it in so long, but the sound coming from it now was just as clear as ever and he felt a longing make his fingers twitch. It wasn’t long after, when a quiet voice made his skin prickle.

_ I forgot how beautiful your voice was _ , he thought to himself as he approached the doorway and as he came around to lean against it, he could see the back of Hwitaek. He was sitting straight up and his elbows moved as his hands danced along to the melody.

“ _ I waited a long time, to go where you are, in order to run to you. In my heart, it’s only you, you know, _ ” the man’s voice was like a memory, a source of comfort, something that Jinho clung to with all his might. “ _ I promise you, baby, I’ll go where you are. _ ”

A lump had begun to form in Jinho’s throat as Hwitaek breezed through the old song, as if they had just performed it yesterday. He still sounded so clear and beautiful, confidence in every syllable. Jinho wished he could still be like that. He thought fondly of the times when he had been unafraid, when he had been happy to sing. But now, between the lack of practice and the smoking, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to sing the same again.

“ _ I cry because I miss you, I cry, I cry, _ ” Hui took a deep breath, preparing to start into the next verse. But Jinho felt a lurch in his gut. This was  _ their  _ song, and hearing Hwitaek sing it alone was killing him. He knew that he belonged on the other side of that piano. He knew that he belonged by his side.

But he stayed where he’d always been, behind Hwitaek, in the background, supporting. Never on the same level. Never brave enough to take his seat next to Hui and accept that they were in it together or not at all.

So he quietly mustered up all of his courage and took a deep breath. At first it was a little scratchy, but there was the natural talent that still hid behind the years of mistreatment to his vocal chords. “ _ It took me awhile, to go where you are, if I could approach you, _ ” he sounded strange, yet not unfamiliar to himself.

Hwitaek’s froze, his fingers still moving across the black and white keys as if from muscle memory alone. He didn’t move his head, neither turning to look at Jinho, nor looking at the piano. His hands didn’t stop, playing and playing as Jinho’s voice grew louder and more confident. He sang as if nothing he was back on stage for their 5th anniversary, as if nothing had changed, as if he’d never stopped.

And Hwitaek played as if he hadn’t spent the past three years longing to do just this one more time, as if he’d never stopped loving Jinho as just a hyung, as if his heart wasn’t aching. They sang in harmony, Jinho getting lost in a song from the past, the melody filling his ears. He expected to finish the song, but Hui’s hands slipped from the keys, ending it abruptly.

Jinho watched him rise from the stool and slowly turn around, he immediately spotted the pricks of tears in the corners of Hwitaek’s eyes. He looked sad, but also wistful. It made Jinho regret even opening his mouth, he had given his old friend such false hope, he could see that now.

“Hwitaek,” Jinho began to speak, but he stopped when Hui rushed forwards and wrapped his arms around him. The younger held him tight, so tight Jinho worried his ribs might crack, but Jinho held him back.

Soft sounds were coming from Hui’s throat, the kinds he made when he was choking back tears. “I missed you so much, hyung,” he gasped into Jinho’s shoulder, his fingers curling into the older’s back, as if he was trying to get a better grip. “So much...”

Letting the younger man cry, Jinho just held him. Even when they had debuted, Hui didn’t cry often and when he did, he wiped away his own tears. He didn’t often let others see him cry, let alone seek comfort from them. But now, Jinho felt his heart ache, wondering how many times he’d hidden away, how many silent tears were gone unacknowledged?

“Hwitaek-ah,” Jinho rubbed his back gently. 

The once leader sniffled pathetically and moved a little away from his hyung, his hands moving from his back to his waist and up to his ribcage. He clung to him a little, his thumbs gliding along the curve of his chest. Hwitaek looked up at him for a moment, before leaving in and pressing a gentle kiss next to Jinho’s lips.

“I’ll go now, hyung,” he was obviously forcing himself to swallow his emotions as he stepped away from Jinho. He felt his heart cripple in on itself, the sight of Hwitaek turning and leaving felt strangely like some kind of revenge. He wanted to beg him to stay, but another face drifted into mind and he found that he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

For some reason, anymore, having any kind of intimacy with Hwitaek felt like a betrayal to Hongseok. Not that he thought Hongseok would genuinely mind, but because there was something in him that longed for a private life with Hongseok. A white-picket-fence-life, it was often called. It made him nostalgic for when he lived with his parents in a rural part of Daejeon.

He wanted that kind of life with Hongseok, he wanted that kind of life that he could settle down into. He could never have that with Hwitaek, he loved the other members too much. He would never settle for just Jinho. But with Hongseok, there was...even just the possibility of a forever. Jinho wanted that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> egheuguhh okay i know it's been like a month, i'm sorry >.<  
> first of all, new york was crazzyyyy, day6 was amazing of course and we also met them on the street the night before and we were in their video at the concert and everything and it was just...the best experience ever. i miss my friends that i went with :(  
> but also, i've just been busy and had 0 motivation or inspiration whatsoever *siiiigh*
> 
> BUT SUPER JUNIOR HAD A COMEBACK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME (aside from the nyc trip ofc)
> 
> anyways, sorry this chapter was so shitty, i wanted it to nudge me forwards a little bit. so uhhh fingers crossed i guess  
> thank you so much for reading
> 
> (in case you didn't know, the song that they're singing is thank you by pentagon, it's jinho and hui's duet from the ceremony album)


	6. Chapter 6

It was evident that Hongseok was excited for the “reunion”, as he had texted Jinho four times in half as many days to talk about it. Jinho wondered till when he would do this. He was secretly jealous that Hongseok could be excited and unafraid of what was to come. It made Jinho worry for his own sake, what if some of them still hated him? Or worse, what if they expected too much from him?

He had lay awake in his bed thinking about this, pretending like he didn’t have to get up for work. He squeezed his eyes shut against the light, before groaning uncomfortably and getting up. He needed a smoke.

Rolling off his bed and up onto his feet, the world taking a small dive - the cost of standing up too fast. He rubbed at his temples as he walked towards his closet, grabbing his jumpsuit in his arms and making his way for the shower. It was going to be a long day, judging by how he was feeling.. His phone buzzed as he left the room and he dismissed it. He didn’t want to think about anything right now. 

His pajamas abandoned on the floor, he stepped into the hot shower, feeling the steam around him cling to his skin. He scrubbed at his body, trying to rub off the feeling of longing. It had been stuck to him for days now and he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t even know what he was longing for, who he was longing for. 

Or did he? He couldn’t sort out his own thoughts recently. It was all too much for him to process at once. So he focused on getting clean as fast as possible, before he dried himself and started to get dressed. He realized that he forgot thermals and he quickly dashed to his room, embarrassed about his nakedness, despite being the only person in the apartment.

Heading to work, he found the cold air refreshing and it helped him keep a clear mind. His thoughts were still all over the place and it was easier for him to only think about work with the fresh air filling his nostrils and lungs. There was still a nagging in the back of his mind, but he didn’t give it any attention.

As he pushed through a crowd on the street to get into the factory, he felt the familiarity of work coming over him. Cigarette smoke, dirt and sweat were the most prominent scents in the warehouse. They were enough to help him slip into the appropriate mindset, where he was no longer Jinho the idol but he was Jo Jinho...a factory worker.

It was depressing when he thought of how different things were now.

“Hey, watch out!” someone pushed past him with a stack of papers in their arms.

* * *

 

_ “Hey, watch out, hyung!” Hongseok shouted and Jinho’s head snapped up. The basketball was right above him. He raised his hands to catch it, but a large hand swiped it from right over his head. He turned to see Wooseok with a big beautiful grin, bounding away with the ball. _

_ Jinho called after him and ran to catch him. “Hey! That’s not fair!” _

_ The maknaes were all gathering together by the hoop to fight off the hyung-line. Wooseok tossed the ball to Yuto, who somehow missed it and Shinwon ended up with it. He tried to get past Yuto and Changgu, but the older of the two was surprisingly agile and pushed the ball from Shinwon’s hands. Watching all the members scramble to grab it from the ground had Jinho chuckling to himself. _

_ “Hyung!” Shinwon shouted, he somehow had retrieved the ball before the others and he threw it across the court towards Hui, who was waiting by the other hoop. Jinho watched the ball bounce twice, before Hyunggu and Hwitaek were running to get it first. _

_ Hongseok’s warm hand rested in the small of Jinho’s back and he looked up at him, surprised to feel him so close. “Are you gonna play?” he raised an eyebrow down at him. _

_ “Yeah,” Jinho nodded. But they seemed to be doing so well without him. He wasn’t sure why he agreed to play - he hated basketball - but looking at them now was like watching a movie. They moved so well as 9 and there was something about his absence that was starting to feel right. _

_ Finally getting his head ‘in the game’ as it were, he ran to catch up with Hwitaek and Kino, watching them fight over the ball after the maknae managed to grab it first. He approached carefully, watching Hui bounce back and forth in front of the maknae. _

_ “Not you too!” Hyunggu grumbled, seeing Jinho come up behind Hwitaek. _

_ “Sorry, kiddo,” he grinned. _

_ Hui used this moment to smack the ball downwards, Hyunggu losing his grip. It seemed to fall slowly as both boys moved to grab it and Jinho, still not sure how basketball worked, kicked it out of Hyunggu’s reach. There were shouts of “You can’t do that!” and “Hyung!” as Hwitaek snatched the ball from the court floor and ran away, thoroughly amused by Jinho’s tactic. _

_ After lots of elbows were thrown and complaints were given, Shinwon managed to use Yuto to launch himself high enough to score a goal. Watching the ball roll around on the hoop for a moment, before slipping in and rattling the net, the hyung team all cheered.  _

_ Shinwon ran to them for celebratory hugs and pats on the back, while the maknaes all groaned and muttered about Jinho-hyung cheating. Hui announced that they should hit the showers and all of them murmured agreements, following their leader out of the court. They passed a group of their managers and producers, who were all dressed in similar attire and were going to play their own game while the boys cleaned up. _

_ “Sangho-hyung, fighting!” Changgu shouted to his favorite of their composers as they passed. The man laughed and thanked him. _

_ When they reached the showers, Hui told them to put their clothes in the laundry chutes. “Don’t put the dirty in with the clean!” he warned, as Yan An had done it once before on accident. “We don’t need the maintenance noonas after us again.” _

_ One by one they all stripped down and stepped into the joint showers, enjoying the hot water for a moment. Jinho felt his cheeks heat a little as he tossed his underwear into the hamper. He crept under the water, grateful for the steam that was building. _

_ The sounds of bickering had started and Jinho realized that Yuto was still upset about his way of playing. “I’m just saying, it wasn’t a fair game!” he complained. Jinho wasn’t too bothered, but he felt bad that Yuto was so bothered by it. _

_ Shinwon’s response was very nonchalant. “Oh, it’s just a game!” _

_ That seemed to upset Yuto more than anything and he huffed, muttering about how he was the only person who actually played sports and how Shinwon never took anything seriously. _

_ “Adachi~” Wooseok chided. He was always good at reading the other’s mood and knowing exactly what needed to be done to keep him from throwing an absolute fit. “Come here.” _

_ Jinho couldn’t see through the steam but he was sure that Yuto was putting as much distance between himself and Shinwon as he could. He got like that when he was mad. Sure, it was a little childish, but Yuto was too cute to scold. _

_ If he was blushing a little earlier, he was absolutely flushed now, when a soft sigh came from Yuto and Wooseok’s direction. It was more like a moan. Jinho felt his ears heat up as the sounds got louder. Over the water, he could hear the sound of someone being shoved against the shower wall. A slightly louder moan came, followed by wet sounds that weren’t from the water. _

_ “Don’t slip,” was all Hwitaek said, obviously staying out of it. _

_ “Don’t choke,” Hongseok’s warning made a few of the members chuckle. _

_ They all seemed quite composed and unbothered by all of this, while Jinho tried not to lose his mind. It’s not that he objected to the boys sucking each other off, it was just surprising when they were all in the shower together. His face burned with shame as he felt his own dick twitch at the moans that were coming from Yuto. _

_ He reached for the shampoo and tried not to get any in his eye as he rushed to rub it into his hair and rinse it out quickly. He hurriedly scrubbed conditioner in, down to his scalp and then grab the body soap. He was being too obvious in the way he rushed and Hongseok’s hand gently closed around his forearm. _

_ “It’s okay, hyung,” he whispered, moving closer. _

That’s a very naked man, _ was all his mind threw at him as he tried to process the situation. He was drawing a blank on what to do, so all he did was shrug Hongseok off and begin scrubbing down his body with soap. He didn’t want to look at Hongseok’s perfectly trim body, his dark chestnut skin, soaking wet. No he didn’t need that. _

_ Hongseok didn’t seem too hurt by being pushed away, so all he did was stand and watch Jinho. The older wished he had the willpower to tell him to look away, or to tell them all that they were making a mistake. “ _ What if the manager-hyungs hear?” _ would have been good to say, but he was unable to speak. So he just washed his body and did his best not to make eye contact with Hongseok. _

_ For some reason, as he washed his hips and gave his cock one quick stroke, just to make it a little less painfully hard, he found his eyes moving up to meet Hongseok’s. It was for just a second and lasted as long as it took his hand to go from base to tip. It wasn’t long, but for some reason, the way he looked at him marked Jinho. It struck him deep. He knew he wouldn’t be able to shake it for the rest of the day. _

_ As soon as he was finished rinsing off and rubbing the conditioner out of his hair, he started to go for the door, but moved too fast and stumbled. His feet slipped on the floor of the shower and in the blink of an eye, he found himself in the arms of Hwitaek. The leader stared down at him, surprised. Jinho tried not to look at the water cascading down his collarbones, right in front of his eyes. _

_ “I’m- uhh,” he couldn’t come up with a good excuse. He straightened up and patted Hui’s shoulders, in an uncomfortably platonic manner. “Thanks,” he mumbled, before wrenching open the shower door and leaving. He glanced behind him as the steam started to rush out of the shower. He regretted looking back. _

_ The sight of nine naked men, drenched in water, was almost too much for him. The sight of Yuto pressed against the shower wall, Shinwon kneeling in front of him, with his fingers curled into the shape of his ribs, was definitely too much. _

_ He snatched up a towel and dried off quickly. He dressed faster than he ever had, trying to ignore the sound of the door opening again, Hongseok calling his name. The younger grabbed a towel and secured it around his waist, running after Jinho, who was holding his shoes and going to leave the locker room. _

_ “Hyung!” Hongseok called, reaching for his arm. _

_ “Don’t,” Jinho hissed. He wasn’t sure why his skin was still burning, maybe it was a reminder that he would never be able to scrub the sight of the other men off of him. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. _

_ “What’s wrong?” Hongseok asked. _

_ “I’m leaving,” Jinho announced. In the moment, he had meant the locker room, but saying the words aloud, they seemed to make more and more sense. He needed to leave. He had to go. _

* * *

 

After work, he felt a raging headache creeping in, so Jinho managed to walk to the closest bar and sit down at the counter. He was wondering why he always came here. If he was bored, he came to the bar, if he was tired, he came to the bar. He remembered what things were like before that became his solution to everything. He wished he still had that self control.

He ordered a drink and leaned back in his chair. He was still in his jumpsuit and was absolutely filthy, but he didn’t have the energy to go home and shower just yet. He didn’t have the drive to take care of himself.

Halfway through his first glass, he felt someone come up next to him. He didn’t bother looking, as he didn’t really care. It wasn’t until their hand closed around his glass and tugged it from his lips, that he looked. He felt anger strike him and he turned to give them a piece of his mind.

It was almost like looking at the sun. Radiant and somehow more beautiful than the last time he’d seen him, Go Shinwon was standing next to him, a disapproving look on his face. He wagged his finger at Jinho and then offered him his hands. “Hi, hyung,” was all he said.

Unsure what else to do, Jinho took his hands and let himself be pulled off the bar stool. “How did you...what are you...” Jinho blinked at him. Again, it was probably Hongseok, which would make Jinho very angry. The man kept intruding in his everyday life.

“We’ll talk in a bit, but let’s get you home, okay? You smell awful,” Shinwon’s nose wrinkled and he pulled Jinho after him, out of the bar. Several looks were given from other patrons, who seemed shocked that this tall beautiful man would be interested in the tiny dirty regular that always sat at the counter and cried into his drink.

Walking in the street with Shinwon felt odd, he wasn’t used to Shinwon being charismatic and caring. But then again, as of right now, he wasn’t used to Shinwon at all. It was odd even seeing him in person, and not through a YouTube video of him on some runway in Paris, or posing with other gorgeous people in stylish clothing. He looked different in person.

Jinho stared at him, dazed, as Shinwon pulled him over to a parked black car. He opened the door and waved him in, giving him a little smile. Jinho did as he instructed, simply because he didn’t have a reason not to. He trusted Shinwon, he knew that, but he was also feeling some kind of magnetic pull towards the model.

As the younger went around and got into the driver’s seat, Jinho startled for a moment, realizing that the car was starting to move. Apparently half a glass of rum and a headache made things a blur. He was starting to forget how he even got in this car with this gorgeous man.

It wasn’t long into the drive, before Jinho slumped against the window and slipped into a slumber. Shinwon smirking and gently pinching his cheek, while stopped at a red light.

* * *

 

Jinho came to on a couch, it was warm and there was something wet against his hand, he slowly rubbed at his eyes and opened them. It took him a moment to register what he was looking at, but he quickly realized that he was laying on a couch. 

A dog was licking at his hand and at first he felt terror run through him, but then he noticed how gentle the animal was being. It had thick long black fur that coated its body and it was much bigger than most dogs Jinho had met in his life. It was a beautiful animal but he wasn’t sure how he or it had gotten where they were.

“You’re awake?” Shinwon’s honey voice - a small hint of lisp was still there - made him look up and behind him. Shinwon was standing dressed in casual dress, watching with amusement as this dog licked Jinho.

“This yours?” He asked in surprise. Surely, Go Shinwon of all people did not have a dog. Jinho remembered how many times he’d run from animals in fear.

“No,” Shinwon shuddered. “I’m watching her for Changgu. He’ll be glad to see that she likes you.”

Jinho felt his face flush, the intense gaze that Shinwon was giving him made him feel embarrassed about his state. The younger simply laughed, his burnt orange hair swishing around his forehead.

“Go shower, hyung, I’ve got some clothes you can wear.”

Still a bit dazed by the sudden appearance of the younger, Jinho silently complied and went in search of the bathroom. He peered into various doors down the hall until he found it. He slipped into the cold room, the grey tiles felt like ice through his socks and he quickly jumped onto the mat. It was cushioned, as could be expected from a model’s home.

The bathroom itself was decorated in a modern fashion, with grey and wine colored accents. Jinho didn’t spend much time admiring Shinwon’s taste in decor and he quickly slipped into the shower. The hot water pounded down on his back and he chewed on his lip as he felt his head swirl. He was worried about being sick for a moment and he tried to remember how much he’d drunk.

There was a moment of silence while he let the water drown out his other thoughts, through it all he could hear the sounds of the traffic outside, the solitary bark of Changgu’s dog - likely waiting for her dinner. He sighed softly and started searching for some kind of shampoo. There was about three different kinds, with various results, such as smoothing, moisturizing, color protection.

He settled for the moisturizing and then was faced with which conditioner he wanted. He sighed and grabbed the one with the best scent. When he was finished with his hair and washing his body, he carefully stepped out. He was suddenly wary of the fact that Shinwon hadn’t brought him any clothes.

_ Damn kids, _ he thought and snatched up a towel from the rack across from the shower. He wiped himself down quickly and scrubbed at his hair, before wrapping the towel around his waist and risking stepping out of the bathroom.

He set out in his search for Shinwon and the clothes he’d promised, he walked down the hall, surprised by how quiet it was. Shinwon was never quiet from what he remembered. He walked into the kitchen and saw that a light was on in the living room. He walked through the kitchen and into the living room, to find it empty. Odd.

There was a closed door on the other side of the living room and through the crack at the bottom, he could see a dim light in there as well. He shrugged to himself and approached the door, as he got close he heard a sigh, it sounded frustrated. He decided to risk it.

Pushing the door open, he carefully looked in. A large bed was in the room, along with a desk and a bookcase covered in various things such as albums and - surprisingly - actual books. Shinwon was sat on the end of the bed, he was leaning back on his elbows. Even more surprising than the books, was Yeo Changgu straddling Shinwon’s thighs and poking at his chest, whispering something.

Jinho’s eyebrows shot up, but it was too late to escape unnoticed. Both of them had turned at the sound of the door and both looked shocked. Shinwon opened his mouth to speak, but Changgu cut him off with an excited squeal.

“Jinho-hyung!” he cried, putting all his weight on Shinwon’s stomach, so he could move his legs out from underneath him. Shinwon made a pained sound as Changgu dashed over to embrace his bare, wet and blushing hyung. “I almost didn’t believe him when he said you were here!”

“...Right,” the older man nodded weakly, still shocked at the sudden contact. 

Shinwon was staring at them from over Changgu’s shoulder, he still looked thoroughly embarrassed and seemed to be contemplating throwing himself onto the floor and rolling under the bed. Somehow he mustered his courage and rose to his feet. He collected a small pile of clothes from the desk chair and he brought them over to deposit them into Jinho’s arms.

Jinho gave him a little look and he responded with a sheepish grin. The silence between them didn’t last, as Changgu started rambling excitedly about the party, apparently Hwitaek had already filled him in. His excitement apparently made him a little handsy as his fingers rubbed gently across Jinho’s arms and his thumbs seemed to be stroking the part of Jinho’s chest that he could reach.

The older took a little step back. “I think I’ll go dress now,” he announced, cutting off the young actor.

While Changgu was busy pretending to be hurt, Shinwon laughed loudly and gently pushed Changgu towards the kitchen. “You can change in my room, hyung,” Shinwon spoke over his shoulder, ushering Changgu away.

After Jinho changed, feeling a little more comfortable in the knee length drawstring shorts and the long t-shirt, he found his way to the kitchen. Shinwon was leaning against the counter, munching on an apple slice while Changgu sat on the counter beside him, cutting said apple.

“They suit you!” Changgu chimed.

Jinho flushed and ignored him.

Seeing the visible swallow from Shinwon’s throat and he felt a little proud of himself as he walked further into the kitchen. “Do you have anything to eat?” he asked. He sounded like the hyung that Shinwon had always known, not like a man who was standing in a practical stranger’s kitchen, wearing said man’s clothes.

Changgu held out the apple in his hand and Jinho wrinkled his nose, before shaking his head. 

“Sure, I do,” Shinwon smirked. He walked close to Jinho and reached over his head, in a pathetic attempt at being cool. Really, he was just squishing Jinho and it was uncomfortable. “Here,” he withdrew a box of sesame crackers and set them on the counter next to him.

The older coughed a little as Shinwon withdrew and he turned to open the box. He retrieved a few crackers and began munching, going over to stand by Changgu, who was kicking his feet happily.

They were quite the pair, both wearing too-big shirts that belonged to Shinwon, eating his food, standing in his kitchen and looking quite pleased with themselves. It made Shinwon smile to himself. He missed this.

* * *

 

_ “Shinwon-hyung!” Changgu protested, as Shinwon was relentless with his tickles. It had been an hour since Hui told them that he’d catch up with them in the practice room and the entire hour had just been these two being loud and Jinho and Yuto doing stretches. _

_ “Is Hui-hyung coming at all?” Yuto sighed, stretching his arms over his head and tilting his body to the left. _

_ Jinho shrugged in response, mimicking the younger. He was out of sorts, he had spent nearly three hours earlier that day, trying to think of a way to break it to the members, of a way to tell them that he was leaving. He had first discussed it with his manager Dongil and then with the CEO of Cube, who had said “I’m glad you mentioned contracts, we’re going to be having a meeting soon.” _

_ That was nearly 6 hours ago and Jinho hadn’t heard anything since. It was eating him up from the inside out. _

_ Listening to Shinwon and Changgu’s giggles was starting to put Jinho in a better mood though and he sat back to watch them chase each other around. Yuto slowly started to get caught up in it, excited by the excitement. _

_ He eventually rose to his feet and reached over to fight off Shinwon, protecting Changgu. Shinwon continued his attacks, but switched from tickles to kisses and began pressing them to Yuto’s palms and his cheeks. The Japanese man gave off an unmanly squeal and dove back to his spot on the floor. _

_ He stared at Jinho for a moment, noticing the slight concern and contemplation in his expression. _

_ “Should we go-” Yuto started, but they were interrupted by Hongseok bursting through the practice room door. _

_ The first person he made eye contact with was Jinho. The older was used to a certain warmth coming from him, but that was not the case this time. It was a blank stare that had hints of the feeling of betrayal around the edges. Jinho was confused at first, but cold realization started to creep over him. _

_ His mouth opened and then closed and he started to rise to his feet, but Hongseok spoke before he could. “Come with me. All of you.”  _

_ Jinho swallowed thickly. There was no good way this could end. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a decently late update >_< I hope you enjoy it!  
> As I have a retail job, I am working a toooon during the holidays. The few days off that I have, I am just not feeling inspiration to write, so I can't guarantee that the next update will be anytime soon. I'm sorry!! (ᗒᗩᗕ)  
> I'll try my best, but comments and kudos are definitely appreciated! It sounds silly but they really do encourage me to write.  
> Thank you so much for taking the time to read my fic and (possibly) this long ass note...  
> as always, you can hmu on any of my social media platforms <3 I'm always open to having new friends
> 
> (can we talk about runaway tho oh my GOD I can't even put into words how amazing it was)


	7. Chapter 7

A week had passed since he’d returned to his house, grateful for the day he’d spent with Shinwon and Changgu. They had almost made it feel like it used to be, just for a moment.

But then the facade was shattered and Jinho was reminded of the pressure he now had, the expectation that was now placed on him, of being easy to forgive and easy to love. He was sure he could never play this role that Hongseok and Hwitaek seemed to expect from him.

He was taken aback by Hwitaek’s words of “try to get along with some of the kids again” as if it was an immediate concern that they wouldn’t be comfortable with him. It stung a little, but he knew he was right.

Being home alone for this entire week had felt so unbelievably lonely and he longed for the presence of someone other than his own reflection, the sound of a voice other than his own. He brushed off the feelings of loneliness when he went to work, but every time he returned to work, he was reminded of the years spent at the dorms with the members.

He remembered shortly after debut, when he would sit on the couch, with the boys sitting next to him or on the floor by his feet. They would talk of all the things they wanted to accomplish by their year anniversary, with hope in their words and smiles on their faces, they spoke looking forward to the future. Looking back now, Jinho felt like a fool.

He knew that he’d said so many times that Pentagon would last forever, but sometimes forever was so short. He knew this. Nothing lasts forever. He had heard that phrase used so many times, but now, he could  _ feel _ it and it’s truth deep in his bones. He felt it along with the empty ache of where a five sided stage used to fill.

Stretching as he stood up, he pushed his half empty bottle of beer aside, he was tired of sitting around doing nothing. His fingers itched and his heart throbbed, as if he needed to do something, he just didn’t know what.

The days were starting to blur together and he couldn’t remember when the last time he’d gone outside for the sake of being outside was. He grabbed his jacket from the coat tree by his door and he walked over to the door leading to the balcony. He considered grabbing his pack of cigarettes, but for some reason his self control was better today, so he left them in top drawer of the cabinet in the living room.

It was a cold night, as the weather was changing by the day and it was just getting colder and colder, so Jinho wrapped his arms close to his chest and he moved to stand by the railing. He leaned his elbows against it and breathed out, watching the tendrils of his breath twist and twirl in the air.

He had left his phone plugged into the speakers in his kitchen and the music was reaching him from the balcony. It felt oddly romantic, despite the fact that he was alone. The cool air and the music washing over him made him close his eyes and drink in the moment. This was one of the few ways he could find comfort in his current lifestyle.

A knock sounded at his door and he quietly cursed whoever it was. He had wanted to find some way to enjoy a night alone, but he knew that there was no way he could do that, not now when so many things were happening. He was desperate for company.

Trying to walk calmly, he went to the door and pressed his eye to the peephole, he sighed and pushed his forehead against the door. Hongseok. He took a deep breath and opened the door, ignoring the excitement in his stomach. 

The younger man came into view, unusually he wasn’t smiling, but had a serious focused expression. He was wearing casual jeans with an old bomber jacket pulled tight. He wasn’t wearing any makeup and his hair was unstyled. He looked...normal. Real. Jinho felt his stomach muscles tighten.

“Hey,” he spoke nonchalantly, trying to mask his eagerness.

Hongseok looked a little like he was swaying and he shoved his fists into his jacket pockets. “Can I come in?” he mumbled. As soon as his mouth opened, Jinho could smell it on him. The alcohol. The regret.

“Sure,” Jinho nodded a little and took a step to the side, to allow Hongseok in.

The tall man slowly walked in, he stepped a little too close to Jinho and his arm brushed against Jinho’s chest. Hongseok looked down to where his elbow was touching him and a lazy smirk appeared, before he walked all the way in.

Jinho let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. He watched Hongseok meander into his living room and poke at a piece of furniture. Jinho could tell by the way he walked that he was at least partially drunk, while maybe not enough to put himself at risk, enough to piss Jinho off.

“Why are you here?” he sighed.

Hongseok stopped to consider the words, he seemed to weighing an answer. Trying to decide if it would be worth telling the truth. He simply smirked and repeated Jinho’s words back to him. “Why are  _ you _ here?” 

Jinho blinked at him. “Excuse me?”

“Why are you here? Why...why did things have to happen for you to be here instead of...” he trailed off and licked his lips a little. His stance was starting to get more and more tilted.

“Sit down, before you fall over,” Jinho spoke coldly.

Hongseok huffed, moving over to take a seat on the armchair he was leaning towards. He leaned against his knees and put his hands together, staring down at the carpet. Finally, he spoke. “Why did you have to do that?” he looked up at Jinho, despite his intoxication, his eyes were bright.

“What do you mean?” Jinho sighed. He knew exactly what Hongseok meant.

“Leave us! You...you abandoned us, you left and...you barely said anything. And now we’re here. Just barely trying to pull together some dumbass party just to see each other again,” Hongseok rubbed at his eyes. “God, I just want to see everyone again.”

His speech was beginning to slur and Jinho wondered if it was the alcohol finally taking its hold on him or the emotions that were building in his throat. He started to walk towards the kitchen, when Hongseok called after him. 

“Please don’t walk away again,” his weak voice called out, sounding more and more broken with every word.

Jinho sighed. He couldn’t deny Hongseok this, but he was only interested in getting him some water so he didn’t throw up on his carpet. “Hongseok,” he sighed, but the younger didn’t seem to want to hear his excuses.

“Hyung,” he pleaded, his slurred words drawing Jinho to turn around. “Just tell me... why was it so easy for you to leave? Why did you let me hurt for  _ years _ ? Why did you do that to us...to me?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Jinho let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t know, Hongseok! There was a ton of reasons, I can’t just list all of them now!”

“Why not?”

Stubbornly, Jinho clamped his mouth shut and walked towards the kitchen once again. This was not acceptable in Hongseok’s drunken mind.

He rose to his feet and quickly caught up with his hyung, grabbing his wrist and tugging. Jinho was turned back to face him in a second, his face read annoyance.

“You’re drunk,” he sneered.

“Just please,” Hongseok’s eyes were beginning to swim with unshed tears and his voice was breaking. “I tried so hard to not be angry at you, I tried for so long. But...you have no idea how hard it was, you have no idea what you did to me. So you have no right to sit here and act like it was my fault without even telling me  _ why!” _

“I loved you!” Jinho choked out. His heart was pounding, a flurry of emotions was filling him and he was too embarrassed now to try to sort them out.

Hongseok blinked at him. One tear slipped down his cheekbone, following the curve of his face. “And now?”

The older laughed bitterly, sniffing to hold back his own tears that were threatening to show their face. “Now?”

“Right now,” Hongseok’s voice shook slightly.

A moment passed between them, the air laced with tension and unspoken words, feelings that were long forgotten, ignored. A constant reminder in each other’s eyes that they had once meant everything to one another and now...now they weren’t so sure.

“You are nothing to me, Hongseok.”

_ Nothing lasts forever, be by my side. I love nothing more than you. Nothing is more precious than the sky. I treasure nothing more. _

Hongseok’s face seemed to break in two, frustration and regret each taking a side in his expression, each battled for a dominant reaction. They both melted to reveal raw hurt, Jinho had never felt pain like this. Seeing Hongseok look like this, it was killing him from the inside out.

But it was for the best. This was the only way things would work out.

* * *

 

_ Hongseok lead them upstairs to the hallway outside of the CEO’s office. He motioned to the sofa in the hallway, still not speaking. Carefully, Changgu and Shinwon sat down next to each other. Jinho stood against the wall opposite them, while Yuto sat on the arm of the couch and leaned on Shinwon’s shoulder. _

_ From the elevator came Hyunggu and Wooseok, who were talking together and inches away from holding hands, Hyojong was behind them, as solemn as Hongseok. No doubt, they had organized this little gathering. _

_ A silence hung in the air above them. _

_ They could hear raised voices in the office and looks were exchanged between them. Each one more worried than the last. _

_ It wasn’t long before the door was ripped open, the sight of their manager made all of them startle. He looked tired and upon seeing the eight men gathered outside, his expression grew sad. _

_ “No!” _

_ Hui’s voice made all of them rise to their feet, suddenly on edge. Their leader sounded beyond distressed, he sounded like he was in pain. Hyojong’s hands formed fists and Yuto squared his shoulders which were getting broader with his age.  _

_ One by one, they all seemed to form some sort of defensive stance, prepared to defend Hwitaek. _

_ The manager watched them, sighing. He turned to grab onto Hui, the back of him was visible now, and the boys watched as their manager physically pulled him out of the office with him. _

_ “You can’t do this!” Hwitaek cried, his voice shattering. Desperate sobs started to overtake him and he lost the strength to fight against their manager. “ _ Please!”

_ It was that last word that pushed the boys into action, Hyojong moving first to try to grab Hui from the manager. Shinwon was right behind him, his arms outstretched as he reached for the leader. Their manager, tired from dragging Hwitaek halfway down the hall, finally released him. _

_ In the office, Jinho watched as the CEO closed the door, looking just as sad and tired as their manager. He made eye contact with Jinho one last time, giving him a reassuring smile. Realizing that it was this man who had helped him get to where he was, Jinho returned the smile. This man had helped him train and debut, he knew what he was doing and this was probably for the best. _

_ “Starting today, Pentagon is officially disbanded,” their manager spoke, his own voice breaking. His tears started to come through and he sniffed heavily, wiping at his eyes. _

_ He was met with silence. It lasted three seconds. _

_ A miserable moan was let out and they watched Hyunggu crumple into Yuto’s arms, his hands clutching at his sleeves. He seemed to be holding onto him for dear life. _

_ Jinho felt the tiny cracks in his heart grow bigger and deeper as each member reacted in the only way that could be expected. Genuine despair. He kept his eyes on the ground. He knew Hongseok was staring directly at him, at his blank expression. He knew Hongseok was watching, waiting for something...anything. _

_ “Excuse me,” the manager bowed low and left. _

_ Hyojong was still clutching Hwitaek, whose loud sobs had reduced to pitiful whimpers as he buried his face in Hyojong’s chest. _

_ If anyone had been listening they would have heard the small whispers being exchanged between the two. Hyojong’s “it’s going to be okay, we can change his mind” and Hwitaek’s “Dawnie, I can’t lose this” remained private between them and they painted themselves into Hui’s skin. He would never forget this moment. The moment he lost them. The moment he hated himself more than anything. _

* * *

 

 

_ “What did you do?” Hongseok slammed the door behind them, watching Jinho’s shoulders tense up. The empty practice room stretched out before them, intimidatingly quiet. _

_ “I don’t know what you mean,” the older was choosing his words very carefully, cautious of Hongseok’s temper. _

_ “Don’t lie to me, hyung!” Hongseok’s voice was increasing in volume and he had to choke back a sob as he spoke. His eyes were piercing Jinho where he stood. “I heard CEO-nim, he said you spoke with him. He said you helped finalize his decision.” _

_ A sigh rattled it’s way out of Jinho’s lungs, of course the CEO would drag him into this, would blame him. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging harshly. “I just,” he hesitated and licked his lips, thinking carefully about the rest of his sentence. “I didn’t resign my contract. But it was just mine, I didn’t know he was going to terminate everyone’s, I swear.” _

_ Hongseok’s eyes got wider and then they narrowed into dangerous little slits as he processed what Jinho was saying. “So you mean...you were going to leave us?” _

_ Words failed him and as his mouth opened, it closed just as quickly. What was he supposed to say?... _

* * *

 

 

Jinho stared at his hands, wondering when they’d become so cracked and rough. They felt like his father’s hands, which made him want to curl into a ball and cry. He was getting old. He was running out of time. 

He laid himself out on his bed and stared at the curves in the paint on his ceiling, the little roller strokes were visible even from where he lay, three feet off the ground. The peaks from where the roller touched off were like tiny mountains that were mapped out as a little world on his ceiling. It was as if there was another world, peaceful and quiet, watching him from above, mocking him as he cried in his sleep.

The days leading up to the party were growing fewer and fewer and Jinho felt sick. He was nervous but also, recently he’d found some small amount of excitement in him. But after the exchange with Hongseok happened, he was feeling more and more sick in his stomach about it. He didn’t want to see him in front of all the other boys. He couldn’t stand the idea of them being disappointed in him.

A moment passed, before he made a decision.

He rose off of his bed, slipping his barefeet into his slippers and walked to his living room. He opened the cabinet and withdrew the pack of cigarettes. Then he went to his coat which hung next to the door and he gathered the second pack that he’d hid in there. He stared down at the paper wrappings, feeling the cigarettes lined neatly inside.

His fingers itched. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He walked to his bathroom and kicked open the toilet lid. Dropping both packages into the toilet, he closed the lid and pressed down on the flush handle. He listened to it drain down the pipes and he walked away.

“No more,” he whispered to himself.

Going to his bedroom, he withdrew his laptop and took a drink of water, before searching up some old vocal warm-ups. Ones he’d used as a trainee, that had helped him strengthen his vocals chords and build his vocal structure. He cleared his throat and began.

After what must have been hours, he felt his throat start to croak and he cleared it, feeling the thickness of it. He didn’t want to push it too far, so he sat on the floor of the shower, letting the steam fill his lungs. He had a bottle of water with him and he sipped it slowly.

Sitting on the floor just away from the water, but within arm’s reach, was his cellphone. It buzzed gently, but went unnoticed by Jinho, it was drowned out by the pounding water.

The text went unread for another few hours. The words  _ “Yanan’s back _ ” were unseen for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii  
> it's my little sister's birthday, so i'm posting in honor of her (although i'll be damned if she ever finds out about my fics or reads them)  
> anyways, i've been having lots of mood swings, so this chapter is pretty short, but i feel like it's a good turning in events for the fic :)  
> also i'm super excited about finally bringing yanan in bc he's my Love  
> thank you so much for reading!! please lemme know what you think in the comments
> 
> (also i love meaghen, aiden, audrey, other aiden and benji for always being there for me, so thanks for existing and encouraging me bc you always help me when i'm trying to write and you don't even know it <3)


	8. Chapter 8

Jinho tugged his old carhartt jacket on, it was ideal for winter conditions and with the snow that was fluttering down on the streets, he knew he’d need it. The snow had begun that morning and the text from Shinwon gave him the determination to ignore the weather and go out.

The wind was blisteringly cold and as he pushed his way down the street, he shuddered at the way it bit at his ears, the chill sinking into his ears the way Hongseok’s teeth used to. He pulled his hat further down over them and walked faster. He stopped at the curb to flag a cab.

The drive to Shinwon’s home was a bit farther than he remembered, it felt so painfully long and as the taxi driver navigated the streets, Jinho worried he’d fall asleep. He stared out the window, his mind racing with unspoken words and thoughts that were so trivial but still plagued him at night.

People meandered around on the street, looking so ordinary and bored with their lives. Sometimes when Jinho saw this, he thought that they must not know what it was like to lose everything, to change yourself so completely, to lose every part of who you used to be, until you didn’t recognize yourself.

He pressed his forehead to the window and tried to force himself to focus on good things only. Memories of time spent with Yan An were starting to accumulate in the forefront of his mind, of his laughter and smile, of before he’d gone to China at CUBE’s request and before he’d left for...what felt like too long.

Yan An. A physical rock in the group, he was sort of an emotional balance for everyone. When they debuted and the following two years, he was seen as the baby of the group and behaved as such. He was cute and likeable and was the sort of person that you couldn’t help but smile when you were around. But as he got older and more comfortable, he...changed.

He was no longer the group’s baby, he started going to the gym with Hongseok and was soon even more built than the group’s self-named ‘Mom’. He read more books and became so much wiser than any of them realized. He was soon everyone’s source of comfort, they turned to him for answers or company and he was always willing to provide.

He went from being the fans’ baby, to having every fan in love with him. And that went for the members too, Jinho could have sworn Hyojong and Shinwon were drooling over him at one point. He learned - no doubt from Changgu - how to ooze charisma, yet during all of this, he maintained an innocent cuteness that he only used for his benefit occasionally.

It was incredible how much of a transformation he went through and it was because of this that CUBE saw their opportunity and used him. They immediately got him a modeling contract and sent him all over the place, hoping to get more international recognition. Yan An’s perfection was soon plastered on magazines and lotion CF’s that appeared on giant screens in Gangnam as Jinho walked by.

With this rush to promote their foreign member came the emptiness, the dorms felt empty if even one member was missing and it was even worse that it was Yan An. He had been a light for them and CUBE had snuffed it out. It was so much harder without him. Especially when promoting season came around. They had to do film music videos and do comeback stages without him. It was killing them.

Learning how to promote as nine members was the last thing Jinho wanted to do.

But now, Jinho was starting to feel like every breath was easier. Soon, it would be all over. There was a tiny hole inside of him that would soon be filled with Yan An’s smile and his warmth. Unless...unless things were too different. Unless Yan An was angry with him. Unless Hongseok had spoken to Yan An before Jinho got a chance to and he told Yan An about how Jinho tore apart the group, or... whatever it was that Hongseok thought of him now.

The driver pushed on the brakes and the car halted, making Jinho look up. He was outside of Shinwon’s apartment now and inside lay either his greatest ally or his most difficult enemy. Yan An had too much influence over everyone else for Jinho to ever want him on any side but his own.

He paid the cab driver and got out into the snow once more, watching the dull yellow vehicle drive off. He shivered and started his slow approach towards the front steps. He lifted his fist and left a pitiful knock. The nerves were starting to build and twist in his gut.

The door was opened and Shinwon’s soft features appeared, relieving some of the nervousness that made Jinho shiver once more.

“It’s cold, come on in,” Shinwon spoke gently, ushering Jinho inside.

Coming into the house, Jinho noticed many things. First of all, Hwitaek was sitting cross legged on the couch, his arms around the two individuals on either side of him. Hyunggu was one individual, curled into his hyung’s side. The other individual was tall, had sun kissed skin and hair that could only be described as burgundy. It was such a deep rich red that it took Jinho by surprise.

As Jinho came in, said individual stood up and Jinho’s eyes widened a little. He’d forgotten how tall Yan An was. He’d also forgotten how beautiful as the younger man’s eyes crinkled in a smile and his features stretched, impossibly bright and genuinely stunning.

The oldest of what used to be Pentagon sort of stumbled his way across the room, not stopping until he was buried in a cashmere soft grey sweater, the fibers getting in his mouth as he inhaled the smell of the man his arms were wrapped around. With his forehead pressed against Yan An’s chest, he felt a sense of safety overcome him.

He held back tears as he gently nuzzled against Yan An, feeling firm hands on his back, pushing him closer. A small voice simply whispered “Hyung” into his hair and he felt a cheek against the crown of his head, cradling him close.

Yan An was back. He was home. And while Korea might not have been home for him, Pentagon was and wherever the boys were was where Yan An belonged.

* * *

 

“You’d be surprised how much work goes into modeling,” Yan An retorted and Shinwon gave an eager agreement, leaving Wooseok giggling.

Yuto was seated on Yan An’s other side, quietly petting at his hyung’s arm. He looked like a child who had just rediscovered an old toy and was clinging onto it to keep it from getting lost again. His eyes screamed adoration as he stared at Yan An’s jaw, watching the older speak.

“So aside from all that, what did you even do in China?” Jinho asked, a little jealous of all the friends that Yan An must have made there. What if he didn’t even consider himself apart of Pentagon anymore?

Yan An seemed to close his eyes in thought, but Jinho noticed he was savoring Yuto’s touch as the younger gently stroked his arm and pressed his forehead into Yan An’s neck. When he finally opened his eyes, everyone had averted their attention, suddenly feeling as if they were intruding on something private.

“Oh, you know, the usual,” he shrugged. “I’ve still practiced everyday. I would sometimes call my Korean manager just so that I wouldn’t forget a single word,” he smiled proudly. “And of course, Hui-hyung too.”

Hwitaek simply ducked his head sheepishly.

Words were forgotten as the door was pounded on. Shinwon’s gaze shifted from Yan An to the door and back. “Watch out,” was all he said as he went to answer.

Jinho flinched a little as he heard Changgu’s voice from the door.

“I came as soon as I could, work was a little busy,” he was saying, trying to elbow past Shinwon, who allowed him to push his way into his home.

Immediately after seeing Changgu, Yuto shifted away from Yan An, wanting to give them as much space as they needed. Time seemed to slow as Yan An stood up, his eyes were now fixated on Changgu, who was standing breathless just inside the doorway.

It was as if nothing was happening around them, they were the only ones in the room. They didn’t run and they didn’t embrace, they just slowly walked towards each other, until Yan An could cup Changgu’s face, thumbing away the tears that started to spill.

Their foreheads pressed together and they began speaking quietly to each other, soft words in Chinese could be heard, tiny declarations of how much they missed one another and even smaller still was Yan An’s whisper of “I barely lived without you”.

Of course. It hadn’t even occurred to Jinho how much harder it would be for him without Changgu, even if he was in his own country, he still probably felt out of place without his “lifelong friend” by his side. It made Jinho ache for Yan An, spending all those years alone.

“You’re finally back,” Changgu managed to choke out and it was then that Yan An pulled him into his arms, holding him even closer than he’d held Jinho. Changgu hugged him back, his hands forming tiny fists with Yan An’s shirt bundled inside them.

“I thought of you every day,” Yan An seemed to be promising and Changgu nodded, he knew. He had always known. “Every single day passed by and I never stopped missing you, no matter how hard I tried to pretend that I was fine.”

“You don’t have to-”

“Every day, Changgu.”

The exchange was so intimate and full of love that the others would never understand, it made it hard for them to watch without feeling like they were intruding on them. Jinho had to look away, finding himself staring at Shinwon, who was watching the ground sadly. He looked like he didn’t have the strength to look up even if he wanted to.

It was now that Jinho remembered when he’d woken up in Shinwon’s house, that first day of reconnecting with the model. He remembered seeing Changgu and Shinwon on the older’s bed, whispering between themselves like they were the only people in the world. They seemed so invested in each other that day, but now Changgu didn’t even notice him and Shinwon looked as if he had lost an unspoken battle. And in a way, Jinho knew he had.

Reaching out, he gently squeezed the model’s shoulder, gaining Shinwon’s attention. He shook away his previous expression and gave Jinho a tight smile. “I’m gonna go make coffee,” he spoke suddenly, rising to his feet and leaving the room.

Neither Changgu nor Yan An noticed him leave. They just continued to stare at each other, seeming to have abandoned words and settled for the looks that only they knew the meaning of. It felt like they were naked and remapping each other’s souls. Jinho looked away.

* * *

 

The rest of the evening was spent catching up, hearing stories about Yan An manning various charity and events around China. The days he would spend alone in his apartment, the days he spent at work. Changgu insisted on hearing it all.

Jinho did his best not to push over the coffee table and storm out. He loved Yan An, even now. But his old instincts as the mat-hyung were starting to kick in and he was going crazy seeing Shinwon, sitting in the kitchen. He had noticed him almost ten minutes previously, he claimed to be ordering lunch, but he was just thumbing at the takeout menu, staring out the window.

It was stupid how unfair Changgu was being right now. Jinho wanted to tear his own hair out. He was seconds away from opening his mouth to snap at Changgu for being too touchy, for laughing too loud, for being too happy, but he was stopped. Hwitaek slid onto the arm of Jinho’s chair, his hand sliding across the older’s shoulders and coming to rest against the male of his neck. His fingers started to play with the hair there.

A shiver started at the top of Jinho’s spine and worked its way down to his toes. Hwitaek could feel the ripple of his skin and he smirked a little, scratching Jinho’s scalp gently. He was dangerously close to Jinho now and the older was starting to find himself slipping away, falling into a deep trance. It was just him and Hwitaek’s hand at his neck, luring him closer and closer to giving in. Sometimes being with Hwitaek made him worried - and equal parts hopeful - that he’d forget Hongseok.

But Jinho was Jinho and as long as he could breathe, he would never forget Yang Hongseok. He would never forget the way he pulled at Jinho’s hair when he was kissing him, he would never forget the crinkles at the corner of his eyes when he was laughing, or the way his hands would stretch when he was speed texting Jinho from across the room. He could still hear the younger’s giggles as they sent selfies from their respective couches in the Music Bank waiting room. He could also hear Hyojong’s scolding of how they were too old for this.

He closed his eyes, savoring each peaceful memory with Hongseok, as they very well may be the last of them. He quickly learned it was the wrong time to do this, as Hwitaek mistook this for a sign of pleasure. His fingers started to glide over Jinho’s neck and dig into his shoulders, rubbing and pressing, eager for attention. Jinho let out a little sigh, he was really tense and it really did feel good. He started to lean back in his chair, slipping back into the trance that Hui had locked him in i the first place.

As soon as his eyes closed once more, his back meeting the back of the chair, a burst of noise caught his attention and his eyes flew open. Standing in the kitchen, looking annoyed, Shinwon stared at Changgu and Yan An, his phone at his feet. Jinho saw Yan An pulling away from Changgu, whom he had been kissing, to look back at Shinwon. The Korean model rushed to pick up his phone, pretending like it had just slipped from his hand.

“Clumsy,” he murmured, earning an innocent snicker from Changgu.

Jinho’s stomach twisted once more and he shrugged Hwitaek off, marching towards the kitchen. Shinwon was busying himself with the menu once more. There was apart of Jinho that wanted to shout at him to fight for what he wanted, but he held back.

He saw Wooseok coming from the restroom, entering the kitchen, the younger immediately caught on to Shinwon’s distress. Thinking carefully, Jinho ushered the former maknae close.

“Changgu’s not being fair to Shinwon,” he explained. Wooseok nodded knowingly, so at least it wasn’t just Jinho who noticed. “I’ll try to distract Yan An for a bit, if you’ll get Hwitaek and try to break it to Changgu. I think he’s a little caught up in the excitement and probably doesn’t realize what he’s doing.”

Wooseok agreed, “I guess so,” and he disappeared into the living room, making a beeline for where Jinho was sitting before, where Hwitaek still reclined on the arm, Hyunggu having occupied Jinho’s spot - as far from the touchy couple as he could be. Wooseok began speaking quietly to the leader, who looked between the nuzzling pair on the couch, and the model furiously turning pages on a takeout menu. He nodded.

“Hey Shinwon,” Jinho could at least try. “You know Yan An and Changgu are just happy to see each other. They don’t mean anything by it.”

Not allowing him to speak further, Shinwon scoffed and rolled his eyes at Jinho, before getting to his feet and storming through the living room and into the bedroom, letting the door slam behind him. Everyone jumped slightly.

“What’s his problem?” Changgu spoke aloud, eyebrows raised. 

Jinho rubbed between his eyes. They were going to give him a heart attack at 33. “Yan An, come here,” Jinho beckoned, trying to remember some of his old aegyo and fixing the Chinese man with a cute smile.

The charms and wiles of Jo Jinho were starting to come back to him and he felt a jolt of success run through him as Yan An rose to his feet and politely excused himself from the living room.  _ Maybe there still is an idol somewhere in me,  _ Jinho thought to himself with a modicum of glee.

Yan An joined him in the kitchen, leaning a hand against the counter. Unaware of it before, Jinho was suddenly extremely conscious of Yan An’s tight white T-shirt, his jeans that hugged his muscular thighs and the plaid button down he wore over his shirt, it cling to his biceps and Jinho swallowed thickly. He had forgotten how much power Yan An had over him.

“I-I- uhh,” Jinho tried to remember what he’d rehearsed in his head. Something about being unfair and how he hasn’t been here for awhile, but then again...neither had Jinho. Not really. They were in the same situation, when he thought about it...except everyone hated Jinho, and they loved Yan An. Jinho had fucked up, and Yan An hadn’t.

Yan An suddenly broke into a smile, it was soft but warm and as he stepped even closer, Jinho felt, it was even a tiny bit seductive. “I missed you too, hyung,” he spoke tenderly. In the time it took Jinho to blink, Yan An had closed the distance and was pushing his mouth against Jinho’s.

His lips were soft beyond belief and his tongue sent a chill through Jinho as it swiped over his lips, probing his mouth open. Shock ran through Jinho first, making him weak in Yan An’s arms, the younger taking advantage of this. He stepped forwards, wrapping an arm around Jinho’s back and pulling him close, almost dipping him in a way you’d see on old photo cards from 1950’s New York.

It made Jinho flush from the top of his head to his toes.

“Yan-” he choked out, it sounded suspiciously like a moan, encouraging Yan An.

The Chinese man reached around him to press his hand to the counter, pinning Jinho between him and the cabinets. Jinho was trapped, but he was also too dizzy to notice. He was  _ such  _ a good kisser and that dazed Jinho past the point of being able to push him away.

He was so lost in it that he didn’t hear Hwitaek’s shocked gasp when he came to get some more water, he didn’t hear the door open and Changgu’s quiet greeting and he didn’t hear the footsteps get closer. He did however hear Hongseok’s words of greeting.

“Fuck you,” was all he said to pull Jinho and Yan An apart, the younger looking confused for a moment, before he beamed widely at his hyung.

“Hongseok-hyung!” he cheered and pushed off of Jinho to go hug him. Hongseok’s eyes were focused on Jinho, burning holes of shame in him.

He had just been caught kissing Yan An...he would never hear the end of this.

For the sake of the moment, Hongseok pretended like he was excited about this little reunion between him and Yan An, he pretended like it was all okay, like nothing was wrong. But when he looked back at Jinho, he failed to hide his hurt and anger.

Shinwon had eventually reemerged from his room, looking tired. “I have a shoot in the morning,” was all he said, all he needed to say. Hwitaek immediately started ushering everyone out of the house, and as they all headed for the door, Jinho looked back to see Changgu still sitting on the couch.

“You too,” Shinwon spoke quietly, not looking at Changgu.

The pain was the first emotion that showed on the actor’s face, the second was confusion as he stood up and started to speak. “Shin-” was as far as he got before Shinwon insisted. 

“Go.”

Changgu’s shoulders dropped and he tried to bite back his emotions as he went to the door and followed the others out. Yan An promised to see him later, but Shinwon didn’t acknowledged his words.

They got to the street, before Hwitaek pointed at his van - it reminded Jinho more than a little bit of the type of car his mother would drive. “I don’t have a lot of space, but my manager can take you guys home.”

The maknaes agreed and went with Hwitaek, but Yan An said he’d stick with his own car. “I still need to get used to the rules of Korean traffic again,” he chuckled and turned to look around. “Does anyone want to ride with me?” he seemed to be pleading and Jinho wondered what was going through his mind. Was he really just desperate to spend time with them again? Or was he secretly looking for someone to stay the night with him?

“Sure,” Jinho risked.

Hongseok immediately spoke up. “I’ll go too.”

Expecting discomfort at the number of volunteers, Jinho scanned Yan An’s face, hoping he’d tell Hongseok off. But the Chinese man simply grinned. “Perfect.”

It was Jinho’s turn to glare at Hongseok. God knows where this night would go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnfnfgnh okay so first of all thank youuuu sooo muuch to everyone that left reviews and kudos, you're all my rocks
> 
> second of all, hehehe (ﾟωﾟ；) i love yan an. a lot.  
> anyways, this chapter was a little wild and i hope y'all look forward to the next one. i promise this is going somewhere.  
> thank you for reading, as always, i love you so much (≡^∇^≡)
> 
> fyi, i will continue to post whenever i finish writing the chapters, so there's so schedule here, oops. however i'm working 5 days a week for the next few weeks, so i don't know how soon i can get the next one finished. thankies~


	9. Chapter 9

Yan An had driven halfway across the city to find the perfect bar, where he parked and got out, opening the passenger door for Hongseok, who had insisted on sitting up front. He even went so far as to offer his hand to him, as if he was a fancy date. Jinho snorted at the surprised blush that was appearing on Hongseok’s cheeks.

He dragged Hongseok behind him, beckoning for Jinho to follow, as he directed them into the bar, which was more like a nightclub than a bar. As they entered, the familiar scent of alcoholic filled Jinho’s head, and he blinked away the heady feeling that was overtaking him.

The lights were dim enough for them to slip unnoticed, which surprised Jinho. Surely, Yan An was popular enough to spark a reaction even here. But thankfully, they were left unbothered and could find a booth to sit in. Yan An excused himself to go order drinks and told them to “Be nice”, before he left.

Jinho didn’t like drinking in public places like this, where lots of people were gathered. As a gay man, it was extremely uncomfortable to see heterosexual couples hanging on each other, kissing each other in public while he knew that he would never be able to be that open with Hongseok, with anyone.

He held his head in his hands, elbows on the table, waiting for Yan An to come back. A slight nudge to his elbow made him look up, finding himself face to face with an angry Hongseok. The younger was pursing his lips, frustration across his features.

“Jinho-hyung,” he spoke carefully.

“What?” The older sighed.

He seemed to be considering his words before speaking, his voice was small and sounded almost sensitive. “Why me?”

Jinho’s eyebrows lifted. A question written in the expression.

“Why do you hate me? Out of all of us,” he sighed again. “Why do you love them, but not me?”

His words dissipated as Yan An returned with drinks. Jinho took one from him right away and started chugging it. Yan An stared in momentary shock, before grinning and slamming the second glass.

Hesitantly, Hongseok took the third and sipped at it. He seemed to be avoiding getting drunk, which was the opposite of what Jinho was doing, he was actively trying to get as drunk as possible to avoid the situation altogether. It wasn’t working out well for him, as Yan An had only brought the three shots and Hongseok was gearing up for more conversation.

“I’ll be right back.”

While Jinho received another drink, Yan An turned to Hongseok, an amused expression on his face. He was obviously slightly tipsy now. “So, hyung... you two, uhhh,” he smirked. “Did you guys ever end up confessing your feelings?”

Hongseok stared at him, memories of Jinho coming out of Hongseok’s bedroom wearing Hongseok’s t-shirt and walking over to hold Hongseok’s hand. “Not quite,” he sighed into the crooks of his fingers, resting his chin on his hand. He had completely forgotten that Yan An wasn’t even there for the last year of Pentagon, he hadn’t witnessed the slow crumple of the group he held dear.

“Oh,” Yan An nodded. He seemed so unbothered for a moment that Hongseok almost felt at ease, and yet...there was still a purse to his lips and Hongseok might not have seen him for five years, but he still knew Yan An.

The oldest of their entourage returned, a little cross eyed as he’d already downed a drink at the counter and had two more glasses in hand. They watched Jinho sit down and begin to drink, exchanging a look between the two, they realized that it was a mistake bringing Jinho here. He was going to get hammered.

And sure enough, within ten minutes, Jinho was rasping out the lyrics to some Crush song he forgot the tune for and Hongseok was having to pry him off the table before he knocked everything over. He looked desperately at Yan An for help.

“He’s fun when he’s drunk, leave him be,” the Chinese man was unnervingly nonchalant. He reached out and twirled a lock of Jinho’s hair around his finger, a fond smile was playing at his lips. “Cute...aren’t you?”

Jinho lifted his head slightly, nuzzling his forehead against Yan An’s hand. He looked like a puppy, eager for attention. Hongseok felt a little jealous for a moment and he pressed his palm into his cheek, watching the exchange with a bitter feeling in his gut.

He wanted to push Yan An’s hand away, a little voice in the back of his head saying, Jinho’s mine.

 

* * *

 

Jinho woke on an unfamiliar couch, wondering what lifestyle he had that landed him on a strange sofa twice in as many weeks. He blinked awake, staring up at the ceiling, but then rolling over, he spotted a digital wall clock. It read 6:00am. He groaned and sat up. The room was nearly bare and it had little to no furnishing.

A large window covered the wall behind him and he looked over the back of the couch to peer at it, the morning light beginning to creep through the curtains, as if mocking him for waking up hungover. His head was throbbing and as he rested his elbows against his knees, he noticed something stir in front of him and he jolted, shocked at the movement in the dark.

He could barely make out Hongseok sitting in a chair that was a few feet from him, making him sigh in relief. The younger seemed to be sound asleep, thankfully, as Jinho was too tired and miserable to try to talk to him.

Carefully, Jinho rose to his feet and started to creep across the living room, the lack of carpet and old floorboards beneath his feet made it creak, the sound echoing through the room. Jinho froze, afraid he’d woken Hongseok. The man didn’t even flinch, so Jinho considered it safe to continue making his way across the room.

He got to the kitchen, which was also barely furnished whatsoever, it sort of creeped Jinho out, wondering what kind of person lived in such a bare apartment. Was it Hongseok’s? He grimaced a little and went in search of a bathroom, he was either going to pee himself or throw up and he wanted to do neither.

The bathroom was a little room set off the kitchen and he gratefully made his way to the small room, thankful that it was actually furnished with soap and a towel and toilet paper. He washed his face while he was still standing and then quickly emptied his bladder. His head was swirling and he was doing his best not to vomit, as he leaned over the toilet just in case.

“Hyung?” came the softest voice he’d ever heard and he melted a little inside at the sound of it. “Hyung, are you okay? How are you feeling?” Yan An barely poked his head into the bathroom, seeing Jinho kneeling on the ground, head drooped above the toilet seat.

“Not.. terrific,” Jinho admitted, feeling a large warm hand come down to stroke his shoulders. Yan An’s hands felt so strong, yet gentle. He keened into them, wondering when he’d become so much like a dongsaeng to Yan An, when had he been the lesser, weaker one?

A soft murmur was given in response and then Yan An was kneeling down next to Jinho, nuzzling against his cheek with his nose. “I missed you,” Yan An announced suddenly. His eyes were wide and he looked like he was expecting Jinho to confess it back to him. That he’d missed him too. But Jinho only smiled.

Frustration did not have the upper hand here and Yan An simply leaned back to sit on the ground, waiting while Jinho emptied the contents of his stomach, which wasn’t actually much. He seemed to be in such a state of discomfort that despite being rejected, Yan An still felt sorry for the older.

“Hyung?” he tried again, earning a grunt in reply. He forgot how little of a conversationalist Jinho was when he was sick. “Would you do me a favor?”

“Sure, kid,” Jinho sighed, starting to sit back, finally regaining his bearings.

A moment of silence passed between them, Jinho’s ragged breaths could be heard as he tried to clear his head, his mind conjuring shadows in the corner of his eyes, threatening to pull him in. Yan An sniffed a tiny bit, his lips were pursed, the confidence of a model seemed to have oozed out of him, a contrast to the steely smooth personality that he’d been just the night before.

“Would you...tell me.. about what happened? About how the group...you know..” Yan An’s voice sounded small, reminding Jinho of when they’d debuted and Yan An had asked in the most innocent voice that Jinho had heard, “What if they don’t like us?” and Jinho and Hui had spent the whole night comforting their scared members. He knew that voice well and he wished he hadn’t heard it tonight.

“I...” Jinho took a deep breath. “Yeah, sure.”

He scooted until his back hit the wall of the bathroom, resting his head against it, face tilted towards the ceiling. Yan An curled his knees into his chest and rested his head against the door, watching Jinho intently. He was giving his undivided attention.

And so Jinho confessed. He explained everything in detail, starting with when he’d finished his enlistment, when he’d come back and noticed that nothing looked the same. The world had changed and the group had seemed so pointless, there was no point in standing on stage and singing as if everything was fine, when you were just doomed to go to the military anyways. He was looking at the members with fresh eyes, eyes that had a countdown running on it.

He had to convince himself that he wouldn’t be alone while the other members were enlisted, they wouldn’t abandon him, there’d be others to stay with him while each of them finished their mandatory service. After all, there was still Yuto and Yan An, who didn’t even have to go. Shortly after he’d been discharged however, Yan An was sent to China for an indefinite amount of time and Yuto was overlooked in every schedule.

Worries about the hard times ahead seemed to be filling every member’s brain, except for Jinho. He didn’t care that two less photos were taken of Yuto than the other members, during a photoshoot. He didn’t care that Yan An didn’t even have time to facetime them every night, as they were working him like a madman.

He just didn’t care.

And realizing this made everything so much harder. It was harder to sing, harder to smile, harder to do his musical, harder to sit through breakfast with all of them. He was fighting with Hwitaek at every possible moment and for awhile, it didn’t seem to be getting any better. But then the 5th year anniversary came up and Jinho was doing his musical.

But they’d done their anniversary concert, they’d put in the time and effort to stand before the fans for what they didn’t know would be the last time. They held hands as 9 and bowed low, ignoring how some members were faster to pull their hands away than others.

He paid close attention to Yan An’s expression as he described that night, the night that they had given in to their desires and fell into a tangle of passion and lust together. He was worried that there would be disgust in the younger’s eyes, but there wasn’t...just the burn of envy.

As Jinho continued, he noticed the way Yan An shifted, his eyes skimming over Jinho’s body for just a moment, just long enough for Jinho to wonder what was going on inside his mind. He went on about what happened after that, how he had planned to leave and even discussed it with the CEO.

Uncomfortably, but at Yan An’s insistence, he explained each moment of the day they’d been told about the disbandment, the day that still burned in Jinho’s memory as the day it all ended, the day he’d fucked up. Tears started to spill down his cheeks as he spoke and when he was finally finished, he sniffed miserably and tilted his head back once more to try to end the tears.

Yan An’s hands were the size of Jinho’s face, if not bigger and as they closed in on his cheeks to wipe away the tears, Jinho felt like a child for a moment, feeling Yan An’s oversized thumbs swipe at his eyes, rubbing some warmth back into his cheeks.

“It wasn’t your fault, hyung,” Yan An whispered, his hands sliding to Jinho’s shoulder and waist and tugging him closer. Jinho was compliant and all but climbed into Yan An’s lap, resting his forehead against the younger’s chest. He allowed himself to be pet and adored for a moment, before he complained about how uncomfortable the floor was.

Yan An helped him to his feet and then tugged him after him, as they emerged from the bathroom, Jinho saw that the sun had risen and Hongseok was still asleep in the armchair, the bags under his eyes were more prominent than Jinho ever remembered seeing them. He looked so at peace, yet so full of worries and Jinho wanted to push the wrinkle away from his brow.

He let himself be pulled into Yan An’s room, before the younger shyly sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him. Jinho stared, bewildered for a moment, before he slipped under the covers, curling into Yan An’s side. His head was still a little fuzzy and as soon as he closed his eyes, he was fast asleep against the Chinese man’s chest.

 

* * *

 

 

After spending a day with Yan An, in his newly purchased apartment - hence the lack of furnishing - Jinho was feeling sluggish when he went back to work. Hongseok hadn’t stayed long, only giving Jinho one sad look, before taking off. The older felt bad about whatever exchange they must have had when Jinho was drunk, but at the same time, he felt that he’d probably spoken his mind and that’s what mattered.

As long as Hongseok was away from him, where he was safe and wouldn’t get hurt, then nothing else mattered to Jinho. He knew that there was some selfish part of him that was holding onto the other members, pushing Hongseok away for his own good, but unable to let the others go, despite knowing how much he could hurt them. It made him hate himself just that much more.

He had received a text as soon as he got off work, it was from Hwitaek and in typical Hwitaek fashion, it was overdramatic and senseless.

I think it’s time. Meet me at the usual place, was all it read and Jinho couldn’t help but laugh a little at Hui’s choice of words.. He always did have a flare for the dramatic. He did reply though, with a simple, ‘k.

The meeting had been decided upon for 3pm the next day, which Jinho had off. He was still unsure what Hwitaek meant by it’s time and he didn’t find out until he reached the cafe where he and Hui normally met at. Part of Jinho expected to see Hongseok there, maybe even hoped, but he was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps that was for the best.

“What’s up?” Jinho sighed as he approached Hwitaek, suddenly feeling underdressed.

Jinho was wearing jeans, a black crewneck and a cap, his casual sneakers did not match, but they were practical. Meanwhile, Hui was wearing a white turtleneck with a pair of dark brown slacks and his shoes almost shone they were so clean. He looked nice and Jinho had to swallow back the compliment as he observed him.

“So..what’re we doing...exactly?” Jinho asked, trying not to stare at the younger’s choice of clothing.

“Well,” Hwitaek swallowed, licked his lips and swallowed again. He was nervous. “We’re going to a friend’s house.. You’ll...see when we get there.”

Trying not to be put off by the younger’s shadiness, Jinho willingly got into Hwitaek’s car, still shocked at how clean it was. He let Hui drive in silence for awhile before some of his old playfulness started to kick in and he pretended to stretch, before resting his hand on Hwitaek’s knee. He looked around the car, as if avoiding Hui’s gaze. Disappointed by the lack of response, he then began fiddling with the radio, changing from station to station and constantly changing the volume. After awhile he even started toying with the air.

Nothing seemed to faze the stone faced Hui right now and Jinho quickly grew disappointed, resting on his palm to stare out the window. He was growing bored just as Hwitaek turned the car into a parking lot, putting the car in park and turning to look at Jinho.

“Pull your hat over your face,” Hwitaek instructed, grabbing his facemask from the pocket of his jacket, which had been thrown in the backseat. He strapped it onto his face, covering the lower half and then turned to Jinho once more. “Come on.”

They climbed out of the silver car and Jinho found himself staring up at a penthouse, it was taller than any building on his side of town and he wondered just what the hell they were doing here. They crossed the parking lot, the beginnings of rain starting to trickle down onto their ears, making Jinho shiver.

Entrance to the building was only granted from the inside, if a resident buzzed you in, or if you had the passcode, which surprisingly Hwitaek did. Jinho wondered for a moment if this was Hui’s penthouse. They went inside, finding a hallway that lead to an elevator, Hui directed Jinho after him into the elevator and then pressed the 3rd floor button.

Awkward elevator music was a great way to break silence, and it almost made Jinho laugh, until he realized just how painfully awkward it was. Hwitaek stared at him after he snorted and then the doors opened and it was forgotten. They were staring at a short hallway that only had about four total doors against the walls. They must be big penthouses.

Hwitaek lead Jinho over to the one marked 2 and he pressed the doorbell. So...not Hui’s penthouse.

A woman’s voice came through the speaker. “Hello?”

“It’s me,” Hwitaek sighed. “Let me in.”

“Oh!” the door buzzed and then opened from the inside. Standing on the other side, wearing pajama pants and a loose t-shirt was Kim Hyuna. Her hair was dark brown and cut to her shoulder, giving her a cute and classy look. She practically squawked when she saw them. “Jinho!”

Jinho was tugged into her arms for a hug, which he awkwardly returned, intrigued to find that she smelled like strawberries and...something familiar that Jinho couldn’t quite place his tongue on.

Looking at his companion, Jinho found that Hui was a lot less excited to see Hyuna and as she greeted both of them with a kiss on the cheek, he was entirely unresponsive. “Come on in,” she beckoned. “I’ll make some tea.”

Hyuna walked them further into the penthouse, which Jinho now realized was overly large, stupidly large in fact and as they went in more, he suddenly felt uncomfortable in all the open space. There was too much space and he tried to stick next to Hwitaek as much as possible.

The kitchen was all decorated in grey marble and red accents, the walls painted white. It look nice, yet hardly used. Jinho observed Hyuna as she excitedly padded around the room, prepping tea. Even though she was his same age friend, there was something so innocent and childlike about her that he found endearing. Although now it was annoying as he was noticing that she’d aged so much better than him.

He was instructed to take a seat at the counter and so he did, resting his elbows atop it as he put his weight on them. Hwitaek seemed to be hovering nearby, but he refused a seat when Jinho offered. He seemed to be anxious now that he was here and Jinho was worried for a moment that there was something Hui wasn’t telling him, some big dark secret about him and Hyuna that maybe involved a child. His nose wrinkled at the thought.

But his questions were soon answered when Hyuna sighed and pointed down a hallway, her gaze fixed on Hwitaek. “He’s down there, in his studio like usual,” she instructed and Hui didn’t wait a second before speeding off down the hallway.

Jinho raised his eyebrows at the woman and she smirked. “We all do crazy things for love, even if it is a forgotten one,” she chuckled a little before offering the cup of tea to Jinho. He sipped at it while he waited for her to either offer more explanation, or for Hui to get back.

She remained quiet, so he settled for the latter, which wasn’t long after. Hui shuffled back into the room, toting a man somewhat taller than him, much skinnier with darker skin and pitch black hair that was cut short around his head and pushed up off his forehead. He looked tired and as Jinho looked closer at his eyes, he looked more than tired, he looked sleep deprived.

But he still looked the same in an odd way, there was still something about him that was so distinctive that Jinho didn’t doubt who it was for a second.

“Hyojongie,” he murmured, slipping off his chair to risk getting closer.

Hyojong’s sleep deprived eyes skimmed around the room for a moment, before settling on Jinho. He blinked at him for a moment, before the rest of him seemed to react to his thoughts and he lurched forwards. His palm connected with Jinho’s cheek, a loud slap of skin on skin echoing through the penthouse.

“Fucker,” Hyojong growled under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading my 3am.. shit lol  
> please leave a comment and tell me what you think!
> 
> sorry for the late update I’ve been.. going through some shit. some shit that almost made me give up on writing entirely.. and I’m not sure that I won’t tbh, I just wanted to at least finish what I have already started. :/
> 
> anyways, y’all can come talk to me on twitter (@leehwitake) or tumblr (@hwitaekkk)


	10. Chapter 10

  
Jinho’s cheek still stung and he tried to blink the moisture from his eyes. Hyuna held an ice pack to the red mark that resided on the side of his face, her own expression was none too pleased as she shot daggers with her eyes at Hyojong, who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, arms crossed and annoyance flashing obviously in his features.

“I don’t want him here, how hard is that to understand,” Hyojong was arguing with Hwitaek, who looked ready to pull the rappers hair out. “Just get him out!” he protested.

There was a moment where Jinho felt like running away, he wanted to just get as far away as possible right now, shame was burning it’s way onto his cheeks. You have to face this Jinho, you have to face him. You did this. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Hongseok was circling in his mind.

“Stop it! Just talk to him!” Hwitaek sounded on the brink of begging and his hands were reaching out to clasp Hyojong’s shoulders, but he was pushed away. Jinho’s mind was reeling now, he’d never seen Hyojong push Hui away, they had never fought...what the hell happened?

A warm hand was clutching Jinho’s shoulder and he looked up to see Hyuna looking down at him with a reassuring smile, she squeezed his shoulder and then walked back towards the kitchen to get her tea. There was something so mesmerizingly strong about her, it made Jinho wish he’d been more like her as he aged.

He listened to Hwitaek and Hyojong exchange quiet yet harsh words, before Hyojong finally snapped, apparently having run out of patience. “Listen! I don’t give a fuck,” Hyojong snarled, barely shooting a glance at Jinho. “I’m not talking to that bastard, and I’m not talking to you,” he poked Hwitaek in the chest as he spoke. “So fuck outta here.”

“Yah!” Hyuna shouted from the kitchen. “Don’t talk to Hui like that,” she appeared in the doorway and glowered at the rapper. “Just listen to them.”

Hyojong rolled his eyes. “Stay out of this, noona.”

“No, this is my house, do as you’re told,” she sounded nonchalant and effortless as she told Hyojong off. Her voice was stern but her face was soft as she seemed to be silently pleading with Hyojong to behave.

This was too much, it was getting out of hand. Dragging Hyuna into it, making such a big fuss of something that didn’t matter that much, letting Jinho ruin Hui and Hyojong’s friendship, it just felt so stupid. He swallowed thickly and decided it was time to face the truth.

“It’s okay,” Jinho finally spoke. “I get it. He doesn’t want to talk to me and he has every right not to. But...I love him, so I’ll leave like he wants.”

Hwitaek gaped at Jinho as he slowly turned to walk towards the door.

“Wait!”

Jinho turned to see Hyojong staring at him, a frown fixed on his face as he slowly walked closer. “You...” he seemed to be having trouble deciphering Jinho’s words. “You...”

“Love you,” Jinho finished, his newfound courage was making him determined. He was finally being honest with himself and with those around him, he could finally speak his mind and tell the truth. He loved them. “And I’ve missed you...a lot.”

The quiet around them was pressing down on Jinho’s eardrums and he felt like he was underwater, as he watched Hwitaek move slowly over towards Hyuna, just to stand with her. He watched Hyojong blink at him, look to Hui for help and then look back at Jinho.

“Then why..?” He didn’t need to finish his sentence for Jinho to know what he was asking. Why did you leave? Why did you do that to us? Why did you give up on us?

“I was selfish...and scared...and I’m sorry,” Jinho explained.

Words were not Hyojong’s strong suit it seemed as he simply stared at him, his mouth hanging open as he thought, he seemed to be weighing his options. Get over his hurt and accept Jinho back, running the risk of being hurt again or push him away, reopening the old wounds? He was in a difficult position.

“I’m gonna...” Hyojong took a deep breath, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I’m gonna think, okay? Just..give me awhile and we...can talk later, okay?”

“Okay,” Jinho smiled, it was progress, if nothing else.

* * *

Sitting in the car with Hwitaek, staring at the stores in front of them, waiting for the heat to return some feeling to Hui’s fingers. The weather was still cold and it made Jinho feel melancholy, he wanted some warmth back in his life.

A car drove past and they both watched it, their heads turning with the movement, like children trying to keep track of birds flying by the window. Jinho found himself yearning to reach out for him, he wanted to comfort and to be comforted in return by him - not from Hwitaek, his friend but from Hui, his leader.

He was starting to feel lost and the only person who could ever put him back on track was Hui. He sniffed a little and then turned to look at him. Hui was holding his hands in his lap, staring at the cold fingers, he looked on the verge of tears. There was a part of Jinho that needed to hold him, but the other part that still didn’t understand what had happened, just wanted answers.

It’d be worth the discomfort to just know.

“Hui,” he spoke quietly. Using the other’s stage name seemed to get his attention more than anything and he looked up at the older, his eyes looked soft and vulnerable. “What happened between you two?”

Hwitaek sighed and stared through the blonde locks that covered his eyes at Jinho, his mouth opened and closed, before he leaned back in his seat. His hands were still folded in his lap and his fingers twitched as he turned to stare out the window.

Reaching over, Jinho enveloped his warm hand around Hui’s cold hand. He held onto him, so he knew he was there, so he knew that he wasn’t alone. His fingers rubbed against the calluses of Hwitaek’s, formed from years of playing the piano and guitar.

He held onto him, his fingers wrapped around Hui’s palm, letting the pads of his index finger tickle alone the veins of his hand. Hwitaek shivered.

“Right after we disbanded, you left and I...I was lost. I enlisted, hoping to distract myself, and while I was gone...I guess he just got bored, he didn’t want to wait for me, I-I don’t know,” he sighed, rubbing at his temple. “We just grew distant and by the time I got back, he had already enlisted with Hongseok and...we just didn’t talk much. When they were discharged, I...I went to see them, to drive them home or whatever and Hyojong, he just,” his voice had gotten quieter and quieter, almost cracking. “He wouldn’t look at me.”

Jinho was quiet, he rubbed Hwitaek’s hand once more before turning to look at him. “There’s more isn’t there?”

Hui gave him a pitiful smile before he swallowed back his tears and continued. “He asked me to give his opinion on his new album, so I was heading to his place to listen to it. It was the day before he was supposed to release it, when I got there...he was with Hyuna-noona. He was...kissing her and I just, I couldn’t stop myself. I blew up at him and I was just...really unfair.”

“Well,” Jinho frowned slightly. “You two weren’t officially together were you?”

“But we weren’t...not together! And he treated me like a stranger, it...it fucking sucked,” Hui ran a hand over his face and then looked down to where Jinho was still holding onto him. “I guess I’m being childish, huh?”

Jinho looked away, uncomfortable now that he’d stared for too long. “No, not...no, you’re not being childish. It makes sense.”

The hand he was holding suddenly squeezed back and then Hwitaek was putting the car in reverse and backing out of his parking space. As they drove away, Jinho watched the penthouse, with Hyuna and Hyojong somewhere inside - no doubt fighting - disappear down the road.

* * *

_“Hyojong will be happy to see you,” Hongseok was saying, rubbing his hands together as he and Hwitaek waited for the younger to emerge from the large double doors in front of them. Hongseok had completed his service just the day before and was practically bouncing with excitement while they waited for Hyojong.  
_

_Hwitaek gave him a smirk, he had waited too long to see Hyojong, his once lover. He had enlisted two and a half years ago and by the time he’d gotten out, Hyojong and Hongseok had already completed half of their required enlistment. It was all just too long. Time seemed to move at a fraction of its usual pace when you were in the army._

_The doors opened slowly and emerged Hyojong, his short cropped black hair looked so mature on him and he filled out his uniform well. He looked so much older than Hwitaek remembered, but it just made Hui’s heart shake even more. There was something about seeing Hyojong’s tanned skin in the sun, contrasted by the green uniform that gave Hwitaek butterflies in his stomach, he looked so much more handsome than he remembered too._

_“Hyung,” Hyojong sounded surprisingly formal with the way he addressed him and Hwitaek grinned at him in return._

_There was little to no reaction in Hyojong’s eyes and Hwitaek felt his heart twist violently in his chest. What had changed?_

* * *

_Hwitaek’s smiling face was the first thing he saw as he was discharged. He tried to keep his heart from lurching at the sight and instead it just hurt. Why had Hwitaek become like this? Pretending like they were still Pentagon? The painful reminder of the disbandment seemed to not bother Hwitaek, while Hyojong was plagued by it. And Hwitaek was just another reminder of what was gone._

_God, it hurt to look at him. Just don’t look at him, he told himself. Pentagon is gone. You’ll never get back what you had. Not with him. Not with any of them._

_He was seeing Hwitaek in a new light. A painful one. Looking at Hui used to be a guilty pleasure of Hyojong’s, but now it just hurt to see the fraction of what they once had._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!
> 
> this chapter’s short but i wanted to update now bc i have a trip soon and i won’t be able to write during that time. and then directly after that trip, i have... long work weeks :/ so yeah, i’m not gonna have a lot of time to write


	11. Chapter 11

  
It was the day. The day that Jinho had been dreading up until this point, he woke up with a youthful energy and wondered if the tingling under his skin had always been there. He took a shower, scrubbing the uneasy feeling from his skin. A burning sensation had started from his toes and worked its way up, he wasn’t aware how flushed he was until he looked into the mirror, his bare skin was staring back at him.

“It’s just the members,” he assured himself. “There’s no reason to be ashamed.”

He dressed in a pair of tan slacks and a dark green crew neck sweater that had long sleeves that covered his hands. For a moment, he considered putting on makeup, but he felt his cheeks heat even further. That would feel too false.

Nearly a half hour passed of just him fussing over his clothes and hair before he eventually headed downstairs, the party would be held at Hwitaek’s, but Jinho insisted on coming early to help, so he started walking in the direction of his hyung’s apartment. He and Hwitaek had started to return to some of their old ways, finally feeling more comfortable around each other.

Due to this, Jinho just marched up the stairs and right into Hwitaek’s apartment. He peered in first and as Hui was nowhere in sight, he moved further in. He kicked off his shoes and decided to poke around until he found his friend.

He rounded the corner towards the bathroom just as he door opened and Hwitaek stepped out, looking freshly showered in a pair of jeans and a tank top. His eyes widened at the sight of Jinho and he gently pushed him back towards the kitchen.

“Oh, I thought... I thought you’d text when you were on your way,” Hui spoke awkwardly, he’d obviously lowered his tone, as if afraid someone would hear.

Jinho looked around. “Sorry...I thought it’d be okay.”

“No, it’s...it’s fine,” Hwitaek gave him a tight lipped smile. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Do you want some coffee?”

Enticed by the promise of coffee, Jinho dismisses Hwitaek’s odd behavior in favor of following him further into the kitchen. While the younger made coffee, Jinho watched from behind, admiring the muscles in his shoulders moving. Despite their age, Jinho was still shocked and how well Hui looked and how much firmer his body was after finishing his enlistment. He smirked to himself.

“Alright, that just needs to brew, you can... stay here. I’ll go blow dry my hair,” Hwitaek gave him a little smile before disappearing down the hall towards the bathroom once more.

Now alone again, Jinho sat at the kitchen table and rested his head on his chin. He sighed and stared at the wall across from him, the clock on the wall ticked and the framed picture of the members from their debut stage  
glinted a reflection of light back at him. He smiled fondly at it.

A door opening caught his attention and Jinho looked up expecting to see Hwitaek, with soft dry hair. Instead, an older man was emerging, he was probably in his mid 30’s, not much older than Jinho himself. He had a handsome face that was covered by soft black hair, he was wearing a pair of pajama pants and no shirt, his body was well built and he looked impressive as he entered the room.

Jinho swallowed. _Fuck._

The man stared at Jinho for a moment before bowing a little. “Oh, sorry,” he started, the familiar sound of his voice almost made Jinho jump out of his seat. “I didn’t realize Taekkie had a visitor.”

“Eunkwang-hyung?” Jinho asked incredulously.

Eyes peered at him from behind the curtain of hair. “Jinho?!” A blinding smile quickly appeared and he approached Jinho carefully. “Jinho-ah!”

Suddenly being embraced by his shirtless hyung, Jinho flushed. _Why is Eunkwang here? Why is he shirtless? And why did he- Hold on._

“Did you say...Taekkie?” Jinho grimaced.

Eunkwang reached a hand behind his head to scratch at the back of his head. “Oh.. about that. This isn’t a regular thing, we just...frequent each other’s company.. yknow?”

“Frequent,” Jinho repeated, staring up at the man. _What the fuck did that mean?_

“Shit!” Hwitaek hissed as he dashed into the room and saw Eunkwang standing next to Jinho, looking shameless with his bare chest and squared shoulders. _He’s showing off, the asshole_ , Hui thought. “Hyung! Please...go put a shirt on.”

Eunkwang’s smile widened at Hwitaek’s tiny plea. “Sure,” he wandered back towards the bedroom, shooting Jinho a wink that made his cheeks burn a hot red.

“So you two...frequent?” Jinho pursed his lips.

Hwitaek stared at Jinho, shame painted into his features. “I...should’ve told you probably, but it’s nothing serious. We were both lonely and.. yeah,” he sighed. “Minhyuk-hyung has been dating Go Eun-shi, you know, the actress? Anyways, Eunkwang and I met up and...it just happened.”

A snicker left Jinho’s lips and he realized all he could do was laugh. It was funny enough, he supposed.

“Don’t laugh,” Hui scowled, he looked like a child with his hand caught in a cookie jar. His cheeks flushed a pretty pink color and it started to creep to his ears before Jinho waved his hand, dismissing the matter.

“So, what all needs to be done in here?” Jinho looked around the apartment. It was relatively clean, save the odd piece of clothing thrown in the living room - he raised an eyebrow at this, God knows what that came from.

Hui scrambled to snatch the apparent shorts off the floor, scowling once more. “I was doing laundry,” he mumbled, before marching to his bedroom to throw the shorts in.

The kitchen was scarcely used, so that didn’t even need to be cleaned really. “Do you actually live in here?” Jinho asked, swiping a finger across a kitchen chair and staring at the dust it accumulated.

“Of course,” Hwitaek frowned as if it was obvious. He spotted Jinho staring at his dust covered finger and he shrugged. “Mostly in my office though.”

Snatching up a dry rag, Jinho went about dusting, trying to get every surface and rubbing at the windows. It looked a little bit better, he supposed. It took him nearly an hour to do everything and by the time he was done, Eunkwang was putting on his jacket and shoes.

Jinho coughed into his hand, it sounded suspiciously like the words “walk of shame” made their way around his cough, but he gave Eunkwang an innocent smile that would suggest otherwise.

The older just laughed, thoroughly amused despite Hwitaek’s red ears, while he pretended to be sweeping. “See you later, Jinho,” Eunkwang swiped his thumb against Jinho’s chin and it made the younger wonder just how lonely Eunkwang was, did his bed have room for another?

He shook the thoughts from his mind. _I need to get laid?_ he thought to himself, surprised at just how willing he was at the idea of joining Hui and Eunkwang on their next...frequent.

The former leader of Pentagon was rubbing his hands together after chasing Eunkwang out. “Now all we need is beer and pizza. I’ll call in the pizza, if I give you some cash, can you run and pick up some beer?”

“Sure.”

After collecting money from Hui, Jinho went downstairs, pulling his hood up over his ears, to protect against the wind. He left the building and looked both ways before running across the street, the convenience store was only a block or so down, so he set off. The buildings surrounding Hwitaek’s were just as tall and rich looking as the next, they seemed like the kind of apartments that people with pampered dogs and sports cars would live in.

The convenience store was awfully dingy in comparison to the apartments, it had probably been here for a long time and so the city didn’t have the heart to tear it down. It looked like it’d been standing for far too long. He crossed the street and ducked under the overhang, watching the clouds in the sky start to roll over. It was likely to rain soon.

A bell sounded as he pushed his way inside the door, the lights inside were slightly dimmed, to deflect that sickeningly bright store look. A young woman was the only employee there, she looked bored and was resting her chin in her palm. As Jinho walked further in, she seemed to perk up a little.

She watched him as he pawed through the snack aisle, before making his way over to the beer. There were a few different brands, it wasn’t a large selection and he grabbed the best of them all, which was also the most expensive. It was Hwitaek’s money, after all.

He brought three 12 packs to the counter and smiled politely at the girl, who was still staring at him. She scanned both of them and then blinked at him.

“Party?”

“Just meeting up with some old friends,” he replied.

“Your total is 57,000 won.”

While Jinho’s mind was ranting about overpriced beers, his hands gave her the money from Hwitaek. The girl spoke up once more while he was lost in thought.

“Didn’t you used to be an idol?”

He sighed internally and blinked at her. “Uhh, yeah. I did,” his lips pursed and he considered playing the famous card and charming her, give her something to tell her friends about. But he was past those days, now he just tired. “Pent-“

“Pentagon!” the girl cut him off, giving him a shy smile. “Jinho, right?”

He nodded and accepted his change and receipt.

“Have a good day,” he said, kindly. He gathered the cases and left.

As he left, the girl withdrew her phone and snapped a quick photo to share with her friends.

-  
“I’m back,” Jinho announced, pushing his way into the apartment. Hwitaek was standing on a chair in the kitchen, wiping down his cabinet fronts. In the living room, leaning against the back of the couch was Shinwon, resting in his lap was Yuto’s head, the younger looking thoroughly pleased to have his hair stroked by his hyung. “Hey kids.”

The two on the couch grinned back at Jinho as he brought the beer in. Their eyes were focused on the cases, but Jinho pretended like they were just happy to see him. He left the beer in the kitchen, away from the younger two and he looked up at Hwitaek.

“Ahh, Lotte?” Hui peered at what he’d bought, before going back to scrubbing dust from the cracks in the wood.

Jinho’s eyes studied Hui’s frame, the way his shoulders moved and flexed as he wiped grime away from the cabinet handle. He looked far more masculine now than he did when he was younger, his body had filled out a bit and - Jinho might have noticed - he’d gained enough weight to thicken his thighs and ass. Jinho certainly wasn’t complaining.

He looked up and met Hwitaek’s gaze and open mouth. “What?”

“Are you...checking me out?”

Jinho scoffed and tried to avoid the question, going over to the sink and washing his hands. “Do you have any vegetables or fruit to go with the pizza?”

“You were. I can’t believe you,” Hwitaek laughed, stepping down from his chair. Pity he hadn’t gotten taller, Jinho thought as he imagined burying his face in Hwitaek’s thick chest.

“Fruit, Hwitaek,” Jinho tried to steer him away once more.

“Fridge, Jinho. Now don’t ignore me,” Hui’s eyes were vibrant with amusement, but Jinho remained placid.

When the older turned around to look at Pentagon’s former leader, an energy was buzzing between them, one that was increasingly difficult to ignore. Jinho gave up and just gave Hwitaek a smirk, right as the doorbell rang.

_Finally, a distraction._

Hui went to answer the door, shaking his head at Jinho.

At the door, waited Hongseok and Yan An, both looking golden and glowy in an odd way. Jinho saw them from the kitchen and he pretended to be busy. Yan An’s hair was soft and hung down over his forehead, he was dressed in a silk white button down and a pair of dark green slacks, he had on a grey wool coat to protect from the cold, but he removed it as soon as he walked in.

Hongseok’s hair was slicked back off of his forehead, he wore a blue t-shirt with a black and pink plaid on top, he was wearing plain jeans and even with the incredibly casual dress, Jinho couldn’t take his off of him. He cleared his throat as Hongseok walked past the kitchen and as soon as he had his attention, he gave a small wave.

“Oh,” Hongseok’s face flushed bright red. He pursed his lips, the last time he’d seen Jinho, the older had been passed out in Yan An’s apartment. But now he looked awake and eager to see him, which tugged at his heartstrings. Jinho really wasn’t good for his health.

The next to arrive was Hyojong, who was met with a giggling Yan An, who was beyond excited to see his hyung. It was amusing to see the tall model throw himself at the rapper, who seemed surprised by the sudden arm full of man. “Hey, kiddo.”

Their reunion was sweet but short as Yan An went back to fight with Yuto over who got to cuddle against Shinwon, the oldest of the three seemed delighted to be fought over. Everyone knew Shinwon was an attention, but few in the room knew it was a genuine kink for him, he _loved_ attention. Yuto and Yan An were both aware of this as they lavishly pet the older, praising him.

Jinho was unaware of the situation and simply smiled endearingly at them. He felt a tap on his arm and turned to see Hongseok blinking at him.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

“Bedroom?”

“Okay...sure,” Jinho swallowed.

Hongseok led him to Hwitaek’s bedroom which still smelled suspiciously of sex and as Jinho slowly lowered himself onto the bed, Hongseok looked at him accusingly.

_Oh._

“We didn’t-“

“I had sex with Yan An.”

“ _Oh._ ”

Hongseok spoke like he was admitting to killing someone, he almost looked like he was shaking and a bead of sweat was building on his forehead.

“Okay,” Jinho shrugged. He was entirely unfazed by the idea, in fact he was a little excited by the idea, but he kept his teeth clenched on his tongue.

“This doesn’t..” Hongseok sounded frustrated as he struggled around his words. “Bother you?”

Thinking about it, Jinho truly tried to be bothered, would that make Hongseok feel better? Did he want him to say that it was wrong? Did he want Jinho to be jealous?

“Why did you... do it?” Jinho asked, trying to keep any accusatory tones out of his voice.

“Because,” Hongseok licked his lips. “Because.. he asked me to. And it felt like we left him out.”

“So.. because you felt sorry for him?”

“No!”

“Did you _want_ to do it?”

Hongseok looked shocked. His eyes widened and he swallowed, his hands were clenching and unclenching and his gaze darted around the room before focusing on Jinho.

“Yeah.”

“Then no,” he stood up.

“No what?”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Jinho shrugged again.

He moved to leave the room, but felt a warm hand clasp his bicep. Hongseok’s fingers were twitching as they wrapped around Jinho’s arm and he seemed to be trying to pull him closer without actually using force.

Jinho turned his body into Hongseok’s, letting the unspoken barrier between them crumble as he tucked his face into Hongseok’s neck. He breathed in, deep, inhaling Hongseok’s presence and letting it calm him. His arms slowly wrapped around his waist and squeezed tight.

Ever since Hongseok had reached out to him and reconnected him with Hwitaek, Jinho felt like he was slowly finding himself again, like he’d been thousands of feet in the air and was slowly coming back down. He was starting to get his feet on the ground now and was starting to stand on his own again. But for the first time in years, he was starting to feel like he belonged, here in Hongseok’s arms, he felt like he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh it’s been awhile since i updated and this is kinda rough sorry but !! please leave a review and tell me what you think ^-^  
> thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

Jinho nuzzled into Hongseok’s neck, his fingers clutching at the younger’s plaid shirt. He let out a breath that tickled Hongseok’s collarbone, making him huff a little. Rising up onto his toes, Jinho craned forwards.

Hongseok stayed frustratingly still as Jinho inched closer, their mouths were so close, yet so far. Their breaths were mixing together and with each heartbeat, Jinho was getting stuck. He felt unable to pull away. It was too late now. 

The bedroom door was wrenched open and Hwitaek stuck his head in, before cursing aloud. “Fuck! Sorry, I-uh.. well everyone’s here now.”

Watching Hwitaek slip out again, Hongseok looked deflated, as if he’d had something so close but then lost it. Jinho smiled to himself, he’d get him eventually, it was only a matter of time before they lost their self control.

Hongseok went ahead of Jinho, his ears red as he slipped out of the bedroom. Watching him go, Jinho felt nerves creeping under his skin, he was about to face all of the members again. For the first time in years, they were all going to be together again. All ten of them, in the same room, no managers, no fans, no cameras. Just them.

He took a deep breath and pushed through the door, poking his head through first. He looked out over the living room at all the men that were strewn on the couches. He blinked at them, shy and nervous, but determined.

Hwitaek was sitting on the arm of the couch, leaning against Wooseok’s shoulder, who was sitting next to Changgu and now Hongseok. They were all laughing as Changgu reenacted some story in a typical Changgu fashion, loud and dramatic. On the floor at their feet, was Hyunggu, who was gently rubbing Wooseok’s knee as he listened to the story, leaning his head into Hongseok’s lap as he laughed.

On the armchair across the room was Yan An, who looked quite intimidating, with Hyojong sitting on the ground next to him, quietly listening to everyone. Their hands were interlocked, resting on Yan An’s knee. Jinho carefully crept out into the hallway and tiptoed further into the living room. He could now peer into the kitchen, where Yuto and Shinwon were leaning on the counter, watching the others and sipping beer. They seemed to be in their own world, conversing in their own silent language.

As Jinho watched, Yuto suddenly looked into Shinwon’s eyes and then chuckled and rested his head on the older’s shoulder, chuckling to himself. Shinwon giggled through his grin, pressing his nose into the dark haired man’s scalp, ruffling his hair with his laughter.

“Hyung!” Yan An greeted and looked up at Jinho, who looked embarrassed. Everyone turned to stare at him and Jinho felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead. His hands were shaking slightly as he waved. Nine pairs of eyes were on him, waiting for him to do something.

_ Pat, pat _ . Yan An silently invited him to come sit on his leg as he spread his knees apart, one for Hyojong, one for Jinho. The oldest of the group blinked in response, a blush forming on his cheeks, but he felt if he denied, he’d look bad. He didn’t want them to think he was anymore of an ass than they already thought. So he walked over carefully and sat on the leg that was offered.

The Chinese man felt warm against Jinho’s back and he squirmed as he felt warm lips coming up to press against the back of his ear. He could feel Yan An smiling. “It feels good, doesn’t it?” he spoke loud enough for everyone to hear, but not loud enough to bother Jinho’s ear. “Being all together again?”

A firm hand came around to grip Jinho’s thigh and he gasped quietly, trying to pull away.

“Don’t, you’ll fall off,” Yan An chided.

He slowly eased into it, letting the bigger man pull him close and press his nose to his shoulder. It felt comfortable, almost nostalgic. A chill ran down his spine as Yan An whispered soft words against his neck, Chinese was still not Jinho’s strong suit, but he understood the word  _ Delicious  _ and he got the message. A pink blush covering his cheekbones.

The sound of giggling came from the kitchen and Hyunggu got up from the ground, following the sound of laughter. Shinwon was nuzzling his nose against Yuto’s ear, drawing the delighted sounds from him. Jinho felt his heart swell with warmth as he watched Hyunggu come up next to them and start smooching Shinwon’s cheek, wrapping his arms around them.

“Who’s ready for food?” Hwitaek asked suddenly, the slight sounds of growling stomachs made a few hands raise. “Come on,” he urged.

It was still a bit awkward between them all, the bumping elbows as they gathered around to get pizza earned a few nervous chuckles. Hongseok passed beers around, giving Jinho a wary look as he handed him a bottle. The older was a little offended, but he also understood Hongseok’s concern. He hasn’t had the best history with alcohol, but also...he needed it for confidence.

As soon as they were all situated with their pizza and beer and chicken - that Hyojong brought - Jinho felt an overwhelming sense of deja vu. Probably from someone’s birthday, everybody sitting around the dorm, eating and laughing and talking. It came with fuzzy feelings in his stomach that made him hide behind his beer, which he'd already had two of.

Shinwon was laughing loudly at something Hongseok was saying, the older’s wheezing laugh made the rest of them chuckle along. Changgu was getting excited and started to reenact something, Jinho thought it was probably an occurrence Changgu had had during one of his drama shootings, but he couldn’t be sure.

They slipped into a comfortable atmosphere and it wasn’t long before everyone had eaten till they were full and now they were each sharing separate conversations, quietly discussing things of the past, no one wanting to look at the future, knowing it might not include more instances just like this. It was unlikely that they would all be together like this again, different schedules and plans that they had would interfere with that.

Hwitaek was whispering quietly against Wooseok’s cheek, his nose pressed into the youngest’s cheekbone as his eyes drifted shut. He wasn’t tired, just listening. Jinho would have paid money to be included in the moment, but he kept his distance. The former leader and maknae were wrapped around each other on the floor, by the couch, Hyojong’s leg casually resting against Hwitaek’s back, propping him up.

Sometime between Yan An explaining the different difficulties of modelling in China versus being an idol in Korea and Yuto telling Hongseok about when he’d thrown the first baseball at a Samsung Lions game, somewhere in the midst of all of this, Hui had closed the distance between Wooseok and himself and he was gently kissing the taller man.

Jinho stopped breathing, images of the last time he had witnessed something like this came rushing back to him. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for a repeat. The alcohol was starting to blur his mind as he sipped it awkwardly.

The others started to notice slowly, one by one, the conversation started to putter out as everyone was suddenly staring, painfully aware of the situation. Wooseok was getting out of breath as Hui started to climb into his lap, his arms wrapping around him. It was very different from last time, as Hwitaek was bigger than before, after all he was over 30 years old now and was trying to gracefully intertwine his limbs with 27 year old Wooseok, who was holding his hips so he wouldn’t lost his balance.

The maknae pulled his knees up, so Hwitaek could rest in the curve of his waist and lean back on his thighs, their torso’s pressed together. When they finally parted for air, they realized the attention they’d gained and Hui flushed red, burying his face in Wooseok’s neck. The younger looked a little blissed out as he held his hyung close, flashing a triumphant grin at Hyunggu who was shooting him a thumbs up.

“Did you two plan this?” Hyojong asked, narrow eyed. 

“Hey, don’t give them all the credit,” Yuto protested, his arm wrapping around Shinwon’s waist and his fingers slipping under his sweater. The model turned a little pink, partially from the alcohol and he snickered.

“I’m down,” he announced, turning to rub his nose against Yuto’s again. They’d been glued to each other all evening, it was only a matter of time.

Hands were starting to get explorative and eyes were seeking permission as all the men started to slowly ease into each other’s arms. Yan An tugged Hyunggu into his lap with a giggle and began pressing tender kisses to his collarbone. As each of them slipped into it like it was a habit, Jinho felt his mind go hazy. He felt frozen to his spot as if he couldn’t move.

Sturdy hands grabbed his arms and pulled him close to a warm chest, the beer was clouding his mind and he couldn’t look up to who it was, but the gentle touches were not unfamiliar. Hongseok. Jinho curled into the chest and put his hands on his stomach to brace himself, to push back and crane his head back. His fingers curled into the sweater covering the stomach and he gave him a sleepy grin.

“Hey,” Jinho murmured, not sure why he was so dizzy, other than pure anticipation of what was going to happen next.

Hongseok’s eyes were soft as he gave him a smile in return. “Hi.”

The sounds of soft moans surrounded them as the members got a little more brave with each passing second and Hongseok pulled Jinho even closer, letting him rest his head against him. He crouched down a little, so it was easier for Jinho to put his weight into him. He thought about scooping up the older man, but he knew that would piss him off.

“How much did you drink?” Hongseok chuckled.

“I don’t remember, but this was why I quit, I think,” Jinho sighed into the younger’s neck.

Flashes of soft colors seemed to fill Jinho’s eyes as he got more and more sleepy, his mind was racing with blank thoughts as he slowly pressed his forehead into Hongseok and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOIIII this was overdue, sorry friends.  
> this chapter is also pretty damn short and a little crazy, but i'm trying to spread out these last few chapters so that they're not rushed, yknow? :/ idk i still haven't figured out the ending quite yet, so please excuse the mess
> 
> thank you for reading, lemme know what you think! <3


	13. Chapter 13

Jinho woke for a moment, the sounds of soft conversation filling his mind before he fell back asleep. When he finally fully came to, he found himself surrounded by bodies, warm and breathing. The weight of arms and legs on top of him made him feel safe. He was also aware that he was the only one wearing clothes, all of the others were naked and sprawled on top of him.

He tried to move away but felt a weight on his waist, holding him down. He followed the arm sling over his waist to see Hongseok tucked into his side, still wearing his boxers at least and snoozing on Jinho’s bicep. Possibly drooling on him.

Unable to react in any way except for a fond smile, Jinho reached his other hand up to rub at Hongseok’s cheek sweetly. He felt nervous trying to get up, not wanting to wake anyone up. He noticed that they were somehow all piled onto Hwitaek’s king size bed, various legs sticking off. He smirked as he managed to slip out from underneath Hongseok’s arm, setting it back down gently into the pillow he had been asleep on.

As he made his way across the room, he heard a dissatisfied mutter from someone and he looked back to see Yan An sitting up and rubbing at his eye. Jinho pressed a finger against his lip, shushing the man before he crept out of the bedroom. Standing in the kitchen was Hwitaek, leaning onto the counter, waiting for his coffee pot to finish brewing. 

“Morning, Hui,” Jinho whispered, tiptoeing close. A burst of confidence overtook him and he came up behind the younger, wrapping his arms around his waist. 

Hwitaek grumbled a response and keened back into Jinho’s arms. “Hyung,” he whined. Their hips were slotted together in a much too familiar way and Jinho moved to the side, coming up next to Hui.

“Sleepy?” he cooed, pressing his lips to the leader’s temple.

He nodded a bit and then rolled over to put his head against the older’s chest. “Sore,” he whispered back. The quiet of the house was comfortable as Hwitaek let Jinho pet his head and pull him closer, their chests pressed together.

A quiet giggle made them look up as Shinwon was slowly making his way over, looking sleepy as well, his hair covering his eyes and his hand holding up a pair of boxers that looked much too big for him. They must have been Wooseok’s. 

As he approached, he placed his hands on Jinho’s hips and placed his nose against his neck, breathing in the scent of him. He seemed satisfied with just this, but he also seemed on the verge of falling asleep again. He made a sleepy noise in his throat as he nuzzled into the place between Jinho’s neck and shoulder.

“Shinwon-ah?” Hwitaek spoke softly. “Breakfast?”

The younger murmured in agreement and wrapped his arms tighter around Jinho, pulling him away from Hwitaek. “Make sure it’s something Hyunggu-ah and Yan Anie can eat, hyung,” Shinwon replied, pulling Jinho into the living room with him. “But make it tasty.”

Jinho frowned a little bit at the model as he was tugged into his lap on the couch. “What do you mean something they can eat?” he asked, surprised when Shinwon started pressing soft kisses to his neck. “Are they dieting or something?”

“No,” Shinwon chuckled, his laughter tickling Jinho’s neck. “They’re vegan. You didn’t know?”

He shook his head, before trying to push Shinwon away. “Stop,” he giggled, his face flushed red.

“Aww, why?” Shinwon pouted.

“Because you need to share him,” Hyojong’s voice announced his presence as he came up to sit on the couch next to them. He grabbed Jinho’s waist and tugged him off of Shinwon and towards himself. 

Shock was apparent on Jinho’s face and he felt like he should pull away, not sure if Hyojong has fully forgiven him yet or not. He received his answer when Hyojong buried his nose in his neck and just held him, breathing in and out against his skin.

There was something to value in moments like these, something to hold onto as if they would slip away in a moments notice. As if.. he would lose them, or himself in the dream of what could be eternity. Jinho had to grip Hyojong’s sleep pants to keep himself grounded, before he forgot who he was.. where he was.

“Hey!” a voice interrupted. Hui’s voice.

Hyojong lazily turned to look at the older, seeming hesitant to comply, but he eventually replied. “What?”

“Come eat,” Hwitaek murmured, looking embarrassed. 

Judging by their cool interaction, Jinho guessed they still weren’t on good terms. However that started, Jinho thought irrelevant, but he was determined to put a stop to it. He needed them to get along. They all did.

As Hyojong went to the kitchen, Jinho turned to look at Shinwon, who was still blinking bewilderedly at Jinho, his bed hair surrounding his head like a halo.

“They still...?” Jinho started.

“Aren’t really on speaking terms, no.”

“We’ve gotta change that,” Jinho said thoughtfully. Hands closed around his cheeks and squished them a little.

Shinwon leaned in close. “Yes.”

* * *

Breakfast was a slightly awkward affair, with Wooseok and Hyunggu in cuddly baby mode, trying to cling to everyone - their behavior was rubbing off on Yan An and soon enough, he was nuzzling at Changgu’s side. Seeing their younger members affected so positively from the night before gave Jinho some hope, maybe trying to mend whatever was between Hwitaek and Hyojong would be easier than he had thought.

He quickly realized just how difficult it would be, when he watched how they completely ignored each other. Hardly acknowledging the other’s presence, even when Hongseok tried to involve them both into the same conversation, they remained stubborn.

It was near torture, watching the discomfort on the other members faces as their leader and main rapper purposefully avoided one another. Jinho realized now just how serious this was.

He remembered years ago, when Hwitaek and Hyojong were glued to the other’s side, it was impossible to tear them apart during those days, yet here they were. He watched them fidget and try not to make eye contact, as the members had arranged it so they were sat across from each other. Hwitaek occasionally giving Hyojong a sad, wide eyed look.

Jinho was losing patience as he observed from next to Wooseok, who kept trying to rub his thigh. It was very distracting. “Yah,” he finally interrupted a story Yan An was telling and set his chopsticks down. “Listen you two,” he stopped to think for a moment. “You need to sort your shit out.”

All eyes were on him as he stood up and grabbed Wooseok’s hand. He pulled the maknae with him as he walked away from the table. “Come on,” he waved his hand at the other members. “We’re leaving them alone to talk. Let’s go to the store, those who have been working the most can help me get some groceries.”

Hwitaek opened his mouth to protest, but Changgu cut him off. “Hyung’s right, you guys need to sort some things out,” the actor trotted after Jinho cheerily. “I love grocery shopping!”

“Can we get more cereal?” was all Yuto added while he followed.

One by one the other members followed the Jinho out of the apartment, most likely planning on walking all the way to the grocery store, only stopping for shoes and their coats as they went. 

Hyojong sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The fact that Hwitaek wasn’t even looking at him stung a bit and Hyojong turned his back to his former leader as he used his toe to poke at the trim between Hwitaek’s kitchen and living room. The older man let out a slight laugh as he watched the others out the window, making their way down the sidewalk, looking like a middle school gang.

“Those kids...” Hui chuckled, the amusement sounding false.

“Why are you doing that?” Hyojong snapped, turning to glare at him.

“Doing...what?” Hwitaek’s eyebrows raised. His mouth formed a little ‘o’. He looked cute. Gorgeous, even. It pissed Hyojong off.

“Laughing! You’re always laughing. Don’t you know how to do anything else?”

“Not really.”

_ Ouch. _ That one kinda hurt, Hyojong realized as he looked at the pure expression on Hwitaek’s face. Why was he always the good one? How could someone stand to be so  _ good _ all the time?

“Well, it’s annoying.”

Hwitaek’s lips pinched together and for a moment Hyojong wondered if he was going to get angry. That would be new. But instead his mouth formed a little pout and he nodded.    


“Sorry.”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry...”

Hyojong sighed. “No, that’s not what I...that’s not what I meant. I just..stop doing what everyone tells you to!” he groaned, trying to find the words to explain what he meant, but they just weren’t coming. “You’re such a fucking pushover.”

Shame crossed Hui’s features for a moment, but they quickly hardened. “I’m not.”

“You are! You always did what the company told you to! You always gave us what we wanted, you always put yourself at risk for us. God, you’ve always been too selfless.”

“Too selfless?” Hwitaek’s raised his eyebrows. “Hyojong...you have no idea, do you? You have no idea what I did to keep us together for as long as I could. I wasn’t a pushover, I did what the company told me to because it was that or lose all of you! I did what I had to so we could survive!”

“But we didn’t, did we?” Hyojong felt his eyes burn as the words left his mouth. He didn’t realize what he’d said until after it passed his lips. He didn’t take them back, no matter how much he wanted to. It was the reason he was upset, so why lie?

He regretted what he said as he watched Hwitaek’s features change, from shock to anger to pain, his lips twisting into a thin line as he stared at the rapper.

“You.. blame me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Hyojong tried to remain nonchalant even as the words tasted sour and dry in his mouth.

“That wasn’t...I didn’t...” Hwitaek wanted to argue, he wanted to defend himself. But just like always, he fell silent. There was nothing to say anyways. Hyojong wouldn’t believe him or change his mind. Maybe he was right, even... maybe it was his fault.

The air was thick with regret and deep breaths as Hyojong tried to hold back his anger, he was angry at Hwitaek for shutting up and proving his point. He was angry at himself for saying it, but he was even more angry at himself for meaning it. He was being unfair and he knew it, but he was too stubborn to take it back now.

“You know,” Hui took a deep breath and for a moment Hyojong thought he was going to kick him out of the apartment or walk away, something to avoid the subject. But when Hwitaek looked up at him, the rapper swallowed. He looked angry. Beyond angry.

“You’ve always been ignorant to things you didn’t want to accept and this is no exception. You know I’m not the only one to blame here, you know we’re all responsible for the way things ended, you’re just too arrogant to admit it. You’re not defending yourself if you’re dragging me down for it. You’re just being a coward,” the seriousness on Hwitaek’s face made Hyojong realize just how much he’d grown up since the disbandment. “I forgot how hard you make it to love you.”

“Hui...” Hyojong murmured, trying to swallow back the emotions that were building inside of him. He felt like Hwitaek was being unfair, but deep down he knew it was him who was being unfair.

“No, Hyojong.. I’m not your leader anymore. I’m sick of taking this shit. I’m just tired now,” as he uttered the words, the validity of them became more and more apparent as it seemed to Hyojong like all of his age appeared on his face at once. The dark circles under his eyes, his wiry malnourished frame, his laugh lines, his calloused hands from hours at the piano.

Hwitaek... _ his  _ Hwitaek. When did he get so old? Hyojong felt his heart strings jerk and pull down to his toes, stretching out the feelings in his chest until his skin was prickling with goosebumps. It was too surreal and he had to look away from Hui while he processed his next words.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sure,” Hui waved a dismissive hand and turned to look out the window once more. He was no longer laughing.

* * *

 

“ _ Yan An! _ ” Jinho hissed. “Put all that shit back,” he scolded.

“You need it, hyung. Ice cream is good for the soul,” the tall man countered.

“Wrong-o,” Hongseok tugged the cartons of ice cream from his hands and pushed them back into the freezer. He then shoved Yan An out of the aisle, after Wooseok who was walking away with the cart, no doubt looking for the soda aisle. “Yah! Seokkie!”

Jinho watched them chase after the maknae and he shook his head, rolling his eyes. He started to go after them, but remembering the pout on Yan An’s face, he stopped to grab a singular carton of ice cream.  _ It’s for the kids _ , he argued with himself.

He found the others by the bakery, Changgu and Yuto trying to convince Hongseok and Shinwon that they  _ needed _ the cake.

“It’s pretty,” Changgu tried.

“I think not,” Shinwon was shaking his head, arms folded across his chest.

Yuto attempted a different approach. He bit his lip and leaned forwards to place his hand on the shelf behind Hongseok, leaning in close to his face. “I’ll eat your ass,” he offered.

For a long moment, Hongseok seemed to be considering it, his mouth opening and closing. Jinho decided to interrupt before he could answer. “No cake,” he insisted, tugging the younger two away from it.

“But hyuuuuuung,” Changgu whined.

“No!” Jinho laughed, holding tight onto his sleeve. “You’re not eating it, even if we buy it.”

As Jinho walked towards the registers, he heard Hongseok quietly ask. “Would you still eat my ass?”

“Fuck off,” Yuto laughed loudly, running to catch up with Jinho.

After they had finished at the grocery store, Jinho wonderd if Hyojong and Hwitaek had figured out their issues and fucked it out yet. He risked a text to Hwitaek.

_ [Hui-Hui] _

_ is it safe to come back _

_ 11:23am _

He waited several minutes and upon receiving no response, he figured they were busy. “Well, I guess...we could all go to my place,” he offered up.

Hyunggu was practically bouncing with excitement. “Yes, please hyung, can we?”

He hesitated but eventually nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

* * *

 

Jinho’s apartment was much more of a mess than he remembered as they walked in and in his embarrassment, he rushed to hide a few pieces of dirty laundry. His blush grew as he noticed Shinwon wrinkle his nose. He wasn’t sure if it was at how small it was, how dirty it was or the smell, which was a reminder that Jinho hadn’t had time to clean in awhile.

“It’s a little...” he drifted off, staring at the kitchen, which was even worse.

“Cute?” Changgu was grinning at him, looking brighter than the fucking sun. As expected.

“Yeah!” Hyunggu declared, sitting on the couch and letting himself bounce.

The blush that appeared on Jinho’s cheeks made him try to hide his face. He dashed into the kitchen to try and clean up, surprised when Hongseok came in behind him, setting the groceries on the table and turning to smile at him. “Let me help,” he offered.

“No, no, it’s okay,” Jinho rushed, trying to push the larger man out of the kitchen, but Hongseok stood his ground.

“Hyung,” he laughed. “I don’t mind...really.”

It took nearly twenty minutes for them to have the kitchen looking clean again, Hongseok loaded all of the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and started it up, while Jinho scrubbed at the counters and stove. While they worked, the other members were spread out all over the living room, legs and arms on top of each other as they tried to fit on the small couch.

Jinho chuckled at the sight and forced Yuto to scoot over as he came to join them, Hongseok opting for the floor, so he could sit and hold Changgu’s hand. They all stared at the blank tv, as if willing it to turn on. But Hyunggu spoke up before anyone could go in search of the remote.

“We need a way to pass the time,” he announced.

In the blink of an eye, Shinwon was crowding the younger’s space, an arm wrapping around the dancer’s waist. “What did you have in mind, Kino-ah?” he purred.

The younger started giggling, pushing at Shinwon’s chest. “Stop, don’t be like that.”

“Why not?” Shinwon retaliated, he was pressing his nose to Hyunggu’s neck, breathing deeply. “We could have a lot of fun in this...tiny apartment.”

Before Jinho could take offense, Yan An was grabbing his arm and pulling him over towards him. “Besides, Jinho-hyung passed out last night,” the Chinese man was adding in. “He missed out on all of the activities.”

The eldest opened his mouth to say something, but the fire in Yan An’s eyes shut him up quickly and he simply gaped. “I-I...” No words wanted to come out of his mouth.

He was suddenly aware of how fierce the gazes on him were, he hadn’t seen Hongseok’s eyes that dark in a long time, at the sight his cheeks heated up. At first, he felt fear and worry clutch at his chest, making it hard to breathe. But then he considered that the difficulty breathing was coming from the way Yuto was drawing circles on his back.

_ Why would you say no?  _ he thought.

“Okay,” he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost been a month since I last updated and oh my gO D this is way overdue. Sorry folks.  
> Anyways, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. This fic is slowly creeping closer to the end, so I hope you're not bored yet :/  
> Also yes I wholeheartedly believe that Hongseok would use the phrase "wrong-o"... change my mind :-)
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me what you think!! <3  
> as always... if you want to shout at me... you know how to reach me
> 
> ( and yes the next chapter will have smut )


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyyyy so we finally have an update. I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I've gone full time at my job and I finally got my driver's license so maybe I'll actually be able to sort my life out now *sigh*  
> anyways, this chapter has a lil bit of smut but it gets cheesy at the end lol  
> enjoy!!

Yuto’s hands were surprisingly cold, but his voice was like warm silk as he purred into Jinho’s ear, telling him to hold still. The older did as he was told, keeping his hips in place, his face buried in the pillow in his hands. He was surprised by how much control Yuto took in this kind of situation.

His ass was suspended in the air, his jeans quickly feeling way too tight as he had the perfect view of Hyunggu pinning Hongseok against the bedroom wall to bite at his neck. He groaned a little as he watched Hongseok tilt his head back, his mouth open and his eyes drifting shut. He looked ethereal, his skin glowing in the dim lighting.

The Japanese man’s fingers slipped under the waistband of Jinho’s pants and pulled them down, revealing Jinho’s brief covered ass, making him flush shyly. He felt too old for this, in all honesty, but he trusted Yuto to make it worth the embarrassing moments.

“Adach-” he choked as the younger grabbed a fistful of his ass and he keened further into the pillow. He couldn’t remember the last time he was in a position like this, so vulnerable yet so open and carefree.

“Jinho,” Yuto whispered, abandoning formalities and making Jinho shiver. His voice was so deep, Jinho felt it in his toes. “God, I’ve missed this.”

He was surprised to hear that, the idea of Yuto actually thinking of him like this all these years made him whimper slightly, while the younger dug his fingers deep into the soft flesh of Jinho’s thighs. He pushed them apart, making Jinho feel a little exposed.

Craning forwards, Yuto pressed a few soft kisses against the strip of Jinho’s back that was revealed from under his shirt, where Yuto had pushed it up. He let out a breath as he felt Yuto’s teeth start to dig into his skin, eventually catching on his briefs and tugging them down. His cheeks burned as Yuto pulled them down to his knees, where he left them.

He was now bare for them all to see and instead of feeling ashamed, he found that it excited him. He was slowly starting to remember what it was like to be adored by nine beautiful men, what it was like to be showered with love and affection. He had missed it.

“Jesus,” he heard Hongseok croak and he risked a glance up to see Hyunggu on his knees in front of Hongseok, his head visibly bobbing. Jinho was almost jealous, but also... he wouldn’t trade the feeling of Yuto’s teeth scraping against his asscheek for anything right now.

The younger bit into the soft flesh, making Jinho moan softly, he buried his face into the pillow he was clutching, trying not to get too hard just yet. 

A thud from across the room told him that Yan An has finally slammed Changgu against the wall, Shinwon’s whimpers as Wooseok’s fingers slid in and out of him. It was all too much, but it was also familiar and Jinho took comfort in it. As many bodies as were involved and as much passion as they each had, there was two heartbeats missing from the room.

Jinho didn’t realize he would still feel their absence, after all this time. His heart ached, or maybe it was just the reverberations from Yuto beginning to roll their hips together, the soft grunts from the younger brought Jinho back to the moment. His eyes squeezed shut, stars appearing behind them.

He would think about Hyojong and Hwitaek later...

* * *

 

Hwitaek dug his fingers into the bare chest above him, soft gasps leaving his mouth as the man slid in and out of him. He threw his head back against the pillow and tried his best not to cry out. Soft black hair was brushing against his cheek as he cradled the man’s head in the crook of his neck, warm breath was pooling into his collarbone.

“Hwitaek... what’s wrong?” Eunkwang’s voice was muffled in the crevice of the younger’s shoulder and Hui tried to turn his face away to avoid looking at him.

“Nothing. Don’t stop,” Hwitaek whispered. He tried to hide the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes, but he knew Eunkwang saw them. He was grateful that the older didn’t comment on them.

* * *

 

After their reunion, Jinho threw himself back into work, trying to temporarily forget the feeling of Yuto’s fingers digging into his hips, or Yan An’s tongue working it’s way up his jaw. He would find himself remembering it at times, a deep red flush spreading up his cheeks. He had tried many times and failed to shake the memories.

He almost got an erection on the train home, his thoughts running wild as he stared at a text from Hyojong that read “You home?”. The possibilities of where this could lead him was making him anxious and he ended up white knuckling the railing, his heart racing.

Replying quickly with, “will be soon”, Jinho turned into the wall and tried to fold his hands in front of his crotch.

By the time he got home, Hyojong had sent another text saying “I’ll wait” and Jinho felt his excitement begin to build as he reached his apartment building. He made his way up the stairs to his apartment, coming to find Hyojong sitting on the stairs before his floor. He looked up to see Jinho and his face seemed to look relieved.

As Jinho got closer, Wooseok came into view, sitting a few steps above Hyojong, Jinho raised his eyebrows in surprise. He wasn’t sure how to feel about having both of them waiting for him, but he simply smiled kindly as he approached.

“Hey,” he greeted, coming close enough to touch Hyojong, but the rapper made no move to have any contact with him.

Wooseok on the other hand had pushed past Hyojong to practically fall into Jinho, almost knocking them over. He pressed his nose into his hyung’s neck and murmured something about being tired. Jinho patted his back and looked to Hyojong for assistance, but the younger shook his head and shrugged.

He let them both to his apartment to allow Wooseok to sit on his couch and Hyojong to lurk in the doorway. He wandered into his kitchen to grab a bottle of water from his fridge and by the time he’d returned, Hyojong seemed to have relaxed enough to take a seat in Jinho’s chair.

“So what’s up?” Jinho asked, taking a swig of water.

“Hwitaek and I...”

Anticipation was clutching at Jinho’s chest, he just wanted to hear that they’d had a good time, that they’d sorted everything out, that it was all okay.

“We had a fight. It didn’t end well,” Hyojong groaned.

Wooseok sighed, irritated. Jinho still wasn’t sure what he came here for..

“About what?” Jinho asked, moving to sit next to Wooseok, surprised by how warm the younger was. He sank into the cushion, his body falling into place against the other’s. He unconsciously rested his head against his shoulder.

“I don’t know... everything I guess? I said it was his fault that we broke up, I said...” Hyojong suddenly looked so much  more tired than Jinho had ever remembered him looking. “I said a lot of shit that I regret now.”

Jinho swallowed, remembering when Hwitaek had projected his frustration onto Jinho and blamed him for the disbandment.. The break up. All of it. And in a way, he wasn’t wrong, Jinho was primarily responsible for a majority of their issues, but the stem of it had come from much deeper than him. He was sure of that.

A sniffle turned their heads towards Wooseok, who was leaning back in the couch, a pout forming on his lips. The glazed look in his eyes was familiar to both Jinho and Hyojong and they both moved at once. Jinho, onto his knees on the couch to cradle Wooseok’s head. And Hyojong to come to the other side of their maknae and hold his hand.

“Wooseokkie,” Hyojong whispered, reaching up to pat down the youngest’s hair.

Even though he was almost 26, there was still that part of him that needed his hyung’s, that relied on them and made him retreat in on himself to seek their attention. Jinho had always thought it was a coping mechanism built from a lack of attention but now that Wooseok was older he realized it was just apart of who he was. And Jinho embraced it.

He pressed a kiss to Wooseok’s cheek, reaching up to wipe away some of the tears that were dripping down his cheeks. “Don’t cry, angel.”

“Why are hyungs fighting?” he mumbled through his tears.

Hyojong sighed a little and nuzzled the boy’s ear. He left a small kiss there before answering. “Hui hyung is just upset because I’m an idiot. Don’t worry about it, babe.”

They held and kissed Wooseok for hours, until he was reduced to a giggly mess and he slowly fell asleep. His head was resting in Jinho’s lap and Hyojong was curled into his chest, little spoon style.

Jinho reached out and rubbed Hyojong’s shoulder. He motioned towards the kitchen and whispered. “Tea?”

The rapper agreed and slid off the couch, gently lifting Wooseok’s head so Jinho could climb out. They tiptoed into Jinho’s kitchen and the older started filling his tea kettle.

“God, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that,” Hyojong commented.

Jinho simply hummed in agreement.

“Yuto told me it’s been a couple months since the last time, I wonder what triggered it this time.”

Another hum.

“Is that all you have to say?” Hyojong smirked, coming up behind Jinho.

He was suddenly reminded of Hyojong’s original text, and the fantasies that had swarmed Jinho’s thoughts afterwards. He swallowed thickly, knowing if he turned to see him standing so close, those fantasies would return.

“Yup,” Jinho chuckled awkwardly.

“Do you remember the last time we took care of him together?” Hyojong asked.

There was so many times, Jinho dug through his memories trying to recall which one he meant specifically. He vaguely remembered a time before the disbandment, of him and Hyojong dealing with a pouty Wooseok, he remembered taking turns stroking him off until he fell asleep. The maknae had been complaining all day about Changgu making him hard and abandoning him and Hyojong and Jinho had finally given in.

He turned to look at Hyojong, shocked by how close he was standing. He gave him a little smile.  _ Just give him what he wants and send him on his way _ . His brain was sending all sorts of warnings. Everyone in the group knew that while Hyojong may have been a sweet guy, he was a bit of a player and would quickly lost interest if it was too easy to get what he wanted.

Jinho raised a hand and smoothed it over Hyojong’s chest, he blinked at him for a moment, before leaning in and kissing him gently. His cheeks flushed a bright red as Hyojong was frozen still for a moment.  _ Did I fuck up? _ Jinho wondered.

The younger man’s hands came around to Jinho’s waist and gently cupped his hip bones while pulling him closer, he felt his body curve into Hyojong’s and he was surprised by how well they fit together.

Hyojong’s lips were soft and he felt a lot colder than Jinho himself, he was tender and kissed with such an earnesty that Jinho worried about falling in love for a moment. They kissed for several minutes and Jinho would have been disappointed that it didn’t seem to be going anywhere, but he was too lost in how good of a kisser Hyojong was.

When they finally parted, Jinho was out of breath, but Hyojong seemed unfazed. He smiled and brushed his thumb of Jinho’s bottom lip with a sigh. He seemed to be done, but Jinho felt a void where Hyojong’s lips just were, so he grabbed the younger and pulled him close to kiss him roughly.

Still, Hyojong was gentle, his hands sliding easily over Jinho’s back and waist, pulling their bodies into one, pressed against the counter. Jinho wanted more, there was passion, but he wanted it to be fierce and too much for him to handle. His hands were tugging at Hyojong’s shirt, pulling it from his waistband. He bit at Hyojong’s lip, trying to encourage him to be a little rougher, but Hyojong pulled back to blink at him.

_ Oh.  _ Hyojong’s expression said it all and Jinho instantly felt regret. He had forgotten that Hyojong was still hurting. He silently nodded and reached up to rub his thumb along Hyojong’s jaw, trying to will away the desire that was crackling under his skin.

Their next kiss was tender, as if Jinho was trying to heal Hyojong’s heart. His hands slid up to his shoulders, going up on his tiptoes to wrap them around him, holding him close, almost cradling him. They were startled by the buzz of a phone against their hips and they pulled back to chuckle a little, before Jinho reached for his mobile.

He withdrew it and blinked at the text that was on his lock screen. 

**_Hui-hui_ **

_ I’m outside, can you let me in? _

“Uhm, Hwitaek’s here,” he told Hyojong, who sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Going to the door, Hyojong opened it, his expression blank as Hwitaek came into view, his head lifted to look. His eyes widened for a moment, before narrowing at Jinho and then at Hyojong and back.

“I’ll come back later,” he decided, turning to go.

“No! Hwitaek,” Jinho dashed from the kitchen towards the leader, his hands managed to grab onto his sleeve before he got too far, pulling him back. “Come talk with us.”

Hwitaek’s eyes were pleading as he looked back at Jinho. “Please, let me go,” he whispered, trying not to look at Hyojong behind the older.

“Hyung,” Hyojong sighed. “Let’s talk. Please.”

It took a moment of silent persuading, before Hui gave in. He walked into the living room, eyeing the sleeping Wooseok. Now that they were in better lighting, Jinho could see how utterly exhausted he looked. He had dark circles around his eyes and his skin looked oily, a clear sign of stress for Hwitaek.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” Hyojong spoke quickly, catching Hwitaek off guard. “The truth is, after the disbandment, I was relieved. I was so tired of being an idol and I was so tired of trying to hide how I felt about all of you, I thought we’d finally be able to be together without managers breathing down our necks or without people watching us all the time.

It was stupid and selfish and I should have known better, there was no way we were going to be able to be free from all of this. And then everyone started leaving and losing contact, and Hwitaek, you enlisted. It...it broke my heart. I thought if anyone would stay with me, it’d be you. But you didn’t. So, I took my anger out on you and honestly, I felt bad that I was happier after we disbanded, so I pretended like I was angry about it, because it was easier than admitting how I feel.”

Hwitaek blinked at him, his expression was unreadable and as he stared at Hyojong, there seemed to be a million things running through his mind. “And how do you feel?”

“I... I love you. All of you. But,” Hyojong swallowed, keeping his eyes cast down, they looked bright, tears starting to swell. “Especially you, Hwitaek. Fuck...I’m really in love you. I always have been, and I can’t remember what it was like to smile before I met you. I-”

He was cut off by Hui turning around and walking towards the kitchen, away from Hyojong. The rapper looked stunned and for a moment Jinho thought he was genuinely going to burst into tears. He was watching the scene with a modicum of concern, he really didn’t want them to fall apart again.

“Hyojongie,” Hwitaek’s breath was shaky as he spoke. He leaned forwards to brace his arms on Jinho’s counter. “Fuck... how did I get here?”

Carefully, Hyojong approached him, he looked afraid and hurt and Jinho wanted to comfort him, but he knew they needed to do this themselves. If they couldn’t figure things out, then all of Pentagon was fucked, the world might as well be ending.

“Hui...please,” Hyojong sounded so impossibly small as his hand reached out to clasp Hwitaek’s arm. “Please.”

A moment passed and heard Wooseok stir.

Turning to look at the rapper’s eyes, Hwitaek’s face seemed to crumple as he choked out a small sob. He stepped forwards to let himself fall into Hyojong’s chest, a small whine came out of his mouth as he quietly cried.

Hyojong wrapped his arms around him and held him, pressing his cheek to his head, whispering softly to him. Jinho wasn’t close enough to hear, but he figured it was private. He carefully crept over to the couch, where Wooseok was sitting up, his hair a mess and his eyes bleary.

The furniture that Jinho had purchased for his home was the right size for him, but it seemed a little small for Wooseok, especially as Jinho made him scoot over to make room. He shushed Wooseok, implying that they should give the others a moment. The maknae simply quietly sat all the way up and moved over.

Jinho joined him on the couch, his hands fisting the sleeves of his jumper as he rested his forehead against Wooseok’s arm. He wanted to crawl into the man’s lap and kiss him sweetly, maybe finish what he and Hyojong had started, but all of the emotions that had been felt today had worn him out. He would wait a little bit before kicking them out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! feel free to find me on twitter or tumblr and yell at me or you can always go to my curiouscat if you want to ask questions but want to remain anonymous :)  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, please let me know what you thought!
> 
> twitter: nolovevip  
> tumblr: hwitaekkk  
> cc: curiouscat.com/nolovevip
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT SHINE IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME I LITERALLY GRIN EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT 
> 
> ok bye  
> today too, you are precious, I love you (*´∀`*)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER  
> hoooooo boy, here we go folks. I hope you're ready to be sad ;;;; but also happy :))) because I sure am
> 
> I'm so grateful at how supportive everyone's been and I'm so glad that everyone enjoyed this, I'm really proud of it and I'm really excited for you all to read the end. I know it seems a little sudden but I think it's appropriate <3  
> Thank you so so so much !! Enjoy~

_ 2 years later _

Jinho stared out the bus window, it zipped past businesses and schools and shops and homes and Jinho felt his head spin a little as it all blurred into one. He was relieved to be able to take a bus through this side of the city and have so few people recognize him. This was the easiest way to get there.

He felt his phone buzz and he glanced to see who it was.  _ Hongseok _ . He closed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to read it right now, he didn’t want to hear about “sexscapades” as Hyojong called them or whatever part of Morocco he was in right now, basking in the sun. He wanted to go on his way and live peacefully.

As the bus came to a stop finally, he climbed off and squinted in the bright sunlight. It was late summertime and the sun was just too bright this time of year. He enjoyed the breeze though. He fluffed his hair slightly and walked down the street towards the corner, here he would wait for his ride. He wasn’t even sure what kind of vehicle he was looking for, just that it would be rich looking.

The sidewalk under his feet was sparkling in the rich light and as he sat down on a corner bench, he reached his hand down to brush his fingertips along the cement. The stones that were set into the cement gave it an old cobbled look and it was rough under his fingertips. He smiled to himself as the pads of his fingers tickled with the pressure of it.

A car horn beeped at him and he looked up, instantly rolling his eyes.  _ Of course he would.  _ Before him was a bright green Lamborghini, the rims were iridescent metal, flashing in the sunlight. Jinho tried not to roll his eyes as he approached the vehicle. He knocked on the window, which rolled down. Two dark eyes peered at him from inside, Yan An’s bright grin telling all.

“Come on, hyung. We’re gonna be late,” Ya An chuckled. He was a show off and he knew it.

Jinho climbed inside and they sped off down the street, Yan An launching into a full rant about his day and how the other models were “cute, but not as cute as me”, which made Jinho roll his eyes again. The “other models” were probably Yuto and Wooseok, the only equally as attractive people Yan An would be okay with sharing a photo shoot with.

The drive was nearly twenty minutes and as they finally reached the office, Yan An pulled in, struggling to get past the crowd. He was able to park in the garage lot which was secluded and safe for them to exit their car. He looked at Jinho and sighed a little. “You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Jinho smiled and nodded.

They climbed out of the car and went in search of Hui, who was waiting with Hyojong by the exit. They both looked tired, but excited, Hwitaek was practically bouncing up and down. They greeted the other two with a quick kiss each, Hui’s lips lingering on Yan An’s, making the younger blush a little. Hwitaek’s manager scowled and ushered them through the exit where they walked towards the front of the building, a hum of noise greeted them.

Talking, cheering, slogans flapping in the air, security calling out occasionally to “please keep your distance” and the faint sounds of Pretty Pretty playing in the background. Jinho sighed, it had been a long time since he appeared in front of this many fans, but he was surprised how much he’d missed them, so he took a deep breath and followed Hyojong.

There was obvious shock for a moment as fans struggled to realize that it was him, he hadn’t had an appearance with the other members or at all really since the disbandment. He waved shyly. The noise grew with cheers and shouts of “Jinho!” which made a bubble of surprise and delight fill his chest. Yes, he had missed this.

Hui grinned at him and reached over to sling an arm around his shoulders. He pulled him close and waved back at the fans. Jinho hid his face behind his hands. The fans grew louder and louder as from behind them, the maknaes came to join them. Wooseok was walking hand in hand with Hyunggu, Yuto following behind with a hand shading the sunlight from his eyes. They all waved and as soon as the others came to join them, Hui motioned for them to line up.

Several cameras were noticeable and Jinho felt a shyness begin to overcome him, but he held onto Hwitaek’s hand until he let go to do their greeting.

It was all too familiar, shouting out their introduction, bowing and holding their hands in the shape of a pentagon. It was such a nostalgic moment that Jinho had to bite back tears. He had promised Changgu he wouldn’t cry today.

They stood around and took photos and chatted with fans for a bit, before Hyunggu was pulling up his phone and setting up an instagram live. Jinho felt a bit awkward for a moment, but he greeted the viewers as if nothing had happened over the past 6 years. Comments were flooding in and he smiled fondly as he read a few of them, before Kino was dashing over to force Hyojong to say hello.

It was nice to stand out in the sun on a nice day like this and as soon as an officer came from the building and up to speak to them, Jinho felt his stomach flip. He was nervous and excited all at once.

He told them that the discharges were finished and the officers would be coming out now.

They all held their breath as they waited, the fans seemed to do the same. It was quiet for all of ten seconds, before Shinwon’s beaming face came out of the front doors. Shouts of joy erupted from everywhere and he seemed to bask in the attention for a moment, before stopping to salute the fans and members. His uniform fit him well, Jinho was relieved to see that he’d put on a bit of weight in the army, he looked healthy.

Shortly after, Changgu emerged from the building, looking relieved and nervous. He saluted and together they walked down to properly greet the members and fans. Their superiors were waiting to officially dismiss them. They went through the motions, saluting and shaking the superior officers hands. It was a few minutes before they could join the members.

Hwitaek was already starting to tear up as he went to embrace Shinwon first, letting the taller man envelop him in his arms. Yan An immediately went to wrap Changgu in a bear hug. Jinho eventually found himself sandwiched between the two soldiers, the cheers from the fans encouraging them to squish his cheeks, much to his chagrin.

After Kino ended his live with all of the present members doing their group greeting, then Jinho and Changgu walked arm in arm back the way that they’d come, heading for the parking garage. Once they were secluded from the fans’ view, into the dark hallway, the members all seemed to let out a sigh. They were all together again.. Well, almost all.

When they had all climbed into their respective vehicles, Yan An offering a ride to Changgu with him and Jinho, and Shinwon joining Hwitaek and Hyojong, they each went their separate ways. As soon as they sat in the car, the tinted windows hiding Changgu from view, Yan An leaned over and kissed him deeply, Jinho watching awkwardly from the backseat.

It made him happy to see them together once more, but it was still strange being the third party witness here. “Yan An,” Changgu chuckled, putting a hand on the younger’s chest when he tried to kiss him again. “Let’s save it for later, poor Jinho hyung doesn’t want to watch this.”

Jinho kept quiet as Yan An pulled out of the parking garage, turning down the street while Changgu launched into a list of foods he couldn’t wait to eat and the things he couldn’t wait to do. Jinho was agreeing and nodding, when his phone suddenly rang. He frowned down at the caller id, the same from earlier, before he sighed and went to reject the call. 

“Oh! Hongseok-hyung!” Changgu was grinning at Jinho, who was trying not to scowl. “Aren’t you going to answer it?”

There was something oddly puppylike about the way Changgu was looking at Jinho just now, and he had no choice but to click accept, lifting the phone to his ear. “Hello?” he mumbled.

“ _ Jinho? Finally, I’ve been texting you all day, _ ” Hongseok sounded slightly annoyed and Jinho had to bite back his tongue. “ _ Did you receive Shinwon and Changgu well? How are they? _ ”

A little sigh left Jinho’s lips before he replied blandly. “I’m with Changgu now, he’s fine. Now if that’s all you wanted, you could have just contacted them.”

“ _ Oh come on, hyung, _ ” Hongseok chuckled. “ _ Don’t be like that. _ ”

“I’m hanging up.”

“ _ Wait! I’m...about to get on the plane, I’ll talk to you soon, but please... stop avoiding me. _ ”

Jinho hung up.

It had been too long for Hongseok to come crawling over looking for attention. He had left again, with barely any notice, saying he was going to do ‘volunteer relief work’ in various countries and by the time Jinho heard from him again he was at a fundraiser in Morocco, schmoozing with dignitaries. It frustrated Jinho, but more than anything, it hurt. He thought they might be able to work something out, to be together again. But as always, one of them ran away in the end.

Yan An was watching him through the rearview mirror, a questioning look on his face, but he didn’t ask. Instead, he turned up the radio, and snaked a hand around Changgu’s thigh, giving it a little squeeze.

“We’re almost there,” he assured.

* * *

 

_ Hongseok’s here. _

The text from Hwitaek read. Jinho stared down at it, he wanted to pu this phone back on his nightstand and ignore it. He wanted to roll over and go back to sleep, he wanted to forget he’d even woken up. But that wasn’t much different from everyday.

He sat up and rubbed at his face, confused as to why he’d fallen asleep with his clothes on, but deciding that at his age, it was best not to question himself. He threw his legs off the side of the bed, pulling his body into a sitting position. Light was dancing across his floorboards in a mesmerizing pattern, the shadow of his windchimes left a nice little shaded spot for him to put his cactus plant.

A quiet moment passed and Jinho sighed, he knew it was time to get up, he just didn’t want to. He had to get to class though. He stood up and headed straight for the shower. After he was clean, then he would focus on class.

Twenty minutes later, he was showered and had finished brushing his teeth, grabbing his phone and shoes, he ran out the door. He was...a little late. The bus was also late that day and he ended up having to wait a few minutes for it’s arrival. When he was finally on his way to work, his phone buzzed again and he hesitantly looked at it. Another text from Hwitaek.

_ You don’t have to, but he’s at my house, if you’d like to see him. _

He groaned and hit his head against the bus window. Hongseok was one of the last people he wanted to see right now, but he knew it was inevitable. He would deal with it after work, he decided. It was already ten past the time was supposed to be at work, and the bus was still at least four minutes away.

When he finally got to the company, he was given a look from his co-instructor, which he dismissed before turning to face his class for the day. It was mostly regulars, but there were a few different faces, enough to keep him involved anyways.

They went over the motions, Jinho instructing the kids how to expand and exercise their vocal chords. It went for the usual hour, before the trainees thanked him and left. He stood by the door to bow to each of them as they walked out.

He gave the other instructor a look and headed out after the children. He took the elevator to the floor above, where he strolled down the halls until he found the room he was looking for. 

_ Composition _ , the plaque read, but he figured there probably wasn’t much actual composing going on inside. He opened the door and crept inside, immediately met with warm vocals that melted their way out of the speakers. He’d know that voice anywhere.

He came up beside Yan An, who was sitting on the couch in the corner of the dark room and clapped him on the back. “It sounds good,” he smiled, before going up to the computer where Hui was sat at, moving his cursor over the soundwaves on the program that was open. He stopped to scribble something down, not looking up as Jinho rubbed at his shoulder.

“Don’t be a child, just go see him,” Hui mumbled around the pen that he was clutching in his teeth. He finally looked up at Jinho and gave him an ‘ _ I told you so _ ’ face even though he had done no such thing.

“I don’t want to,” Jinho dismissed it, before trying to change the subject. “How’s the song coming along?”

Hwitaek let it slide. “Once I get Changgu, Shinwon and Hongseok’s vocals then it’ll be all set. Changgu came and practiced a bit this morning and I sent some notes over to Shinwon, he should be prepared to record soon.”

“They just got home, Hui,” Jinho shook his head. “Don’t overwork them just yet.”

“Well, we don’t have a lot of time,” Hwitaek countered, but he sounded a little guilty. 

“A month and a half,” Yan An chimed in from the couch.

Hwitaek leaned around Jinho to stare at the younger. “Don’t side with him.”

An innocent shrug was all the Chinese man offered in response, before he went back to furiously typing on his phone. For a moment, Jinho wondered if he was sexting Changgu.. Or if that was even a thing they did. 

On second thought, he didn’t want to consider that. He turned back to Hui and roughly poked him in the chest. “Don’t scold him, you’re not his parent.”

“I’m the closest representative of his parents that he has here.”

Jinho stifled a laugh, before pulling up the other office chair and taking a seat at the desk. He leaned an elbow on it and watched Hui work for a few minutes. There was something fascinating about watching the other man’s methods, as they were very different from his own.

However it seemed they weren’t interesting enough for Hwitaek, as after about an hour of sitting together, Hwitaek had leaned his head onto the desk and quickly fallen asleep. Jinho turned to look at Yan An, who was still on his phone.

“He’s been here all night,” Yan An informed without looking up.

Finally, he set his phone aside and rose to his feet, coming up behind Hui and grabbing his shoulders to lean him back. He grabbed the back of the chair and gently slid it across the floor, trying not to make any sound. Jinho stood in front to make sure he didn’t fall forwards.

When the chair was close enough to the couch, Yan An scooped Hwitaek into his arms and gently deposited him onto the sofa. Jinho considered leaving a smooch on his forehead, but he composed himself enough to walk away without kissing the sleeping leader.

They snuck out of the office, Jinho remembering to save Hui’s work before they left and they carefully closed the door behind them.

“I think he’ll sleep for awhile,” Yan An decided before offering Jinho his hand. “Shall we go?”

Jinho wasn’t sure where Yan An had in mind, but he nodded in agreement and took the man’s hand. He was led down the hall to the practice room, he hesitated but as the door was opened, the familiar sounds of their debut song flooded his ears and he found himself grinning.

Inside the room was Hyunggu and Shinwon, who were going over the choreography for Gorilla, they were dressed in joggers and t-shirts, sweat dripping down their necks. Jinho felt a little pride seeing them work so hard and he gave a little wave.

“Hey kids,” he greeted, the younger two bowing respectfully.

“Hyung, let’s get started,” Yan An clapped him on the back, going over to where someone’s phone was plugged into the speaker, rewinding the song a bit.

Jinho had spent the past few weeks rewatching all of their dance practices, trying to see how much of their choreography his body learned. As it turned out the answer was not many, but he still remembered how to dance at least, so it wasn’t going to be too difficult to relearn them.

As the first few notes of Gorilla started to blare through the speakers, Jinho tried to put himself in a mental space. He envisioned what it was like to be on stage again, he tried to remember the crowd’s energy and how he would always use that to fuel his dancing. Except there was no crowd yet, which meant he would draw strength from the other members, which turned out to be surprisingly easy. They still moved like clockwork as always and Jinho found that he prided few things more than that.

Eventually, Hyojong came in, dressed in a white t-shirt and some basketball shorts. He gave them all a peace sign, looking half asleep still.

“Just got up?” Shinwon smirked.

Hyojong shrugged. “Hwitaek’s bed is much bigger and comfort than mine, I sleep through my alarms at his place.”

_ At Hui’s place... which meant.. _

“Hey guys,” Hongseok’s soft voice preceded him into the room and his big soft brown eyes fixed on Jinho the second he entered. Hyunggu and Yan An cheered, rushing to hug him, Shinwon coming up to high five him and kiss his cheek.

Jinho didn’t move.

He watched Hongseok’s eyes shift around the room and then focus on him, trying not to stare too intently, but also begging for some kind of acknowledgement. It had been nearly 6 weeks since they’d last seen each other, Jinho growing increasingly bitter during that time and Hongseok getting more and more desperate for his attention.

But Jinho knew it was necessary, for their concert to go without a hitch, they needed every member present. That’s why it was the perfect timing, right after Shinwon and Changgu were discharged, right before the maknaes enlisted and just in time for their 10th Anniversary.

There was a million reasons not to do the concert, starting with they hadn’t performed together since before the disbandment, it was likely to be a mess. But there was one main reason to do it, and that was... they were Pentagon. Even after they’d aged and drifted apart and started their own careers and even found their own group of friends in their chosen circles, they were still Pentagon and they still loved each other in such a unique and powerful way.

It was because they were Pentagon, that Jinho stepped forwards. It was because they were Pentagon, that he wrapped his arms around Hongseok’s shoulders. It was because they were Pentagon, that he buried his face in the taller man’s chest and inhaled the almost forgotten scent of him. His heart ached just being near him.

“Jinho,” Hongseok sighed, sounding relieved.

Jinho was sick of being hurt and he was sick of missing Hongseok and being scared that things were finally over between them. He wanted to trust Hongseok, he wanted to love Hongseok and to be loved by Hongseok and the only way to do that was to push past the barriers that had been between them for years now.

“I’m tired,” Jinho murmured into his chest. “I’m tired of not seeing you anymore. I’m tired of hurting whenever I do get to see you. I’m tired of never knowing which kiss is going to be the last,” his voice increasingly got louder, gaining the other member’s attention.

“You hurt me, Hongseok. I hurt you too and I’m tired of it. Let’s not hurt each other anymore, let’s not avoid each other or pretend like we’re better off without the other. Let’s just...” he took a deep breath, his face still pressed against Hongseok’s chest. “Let’s just be together from now on. No matter what.”

The soft breathing that was quickly turning to sniffles caught Jinho’s attention and he looked up at Hongseok, seeing his eyes bright and full of love, but not tears. It didn’t take long to figure out that it was Kino, who was clinging to Shinwon’s sleeve. Jinho wanted to laugh, but instead he smiled.

Rising onto his tiptoes, Jinho pressed a kiss to the corner of Hongseok’s lips and then turned to motion at Hyunggu. “Come here,” he whispered. The younger quickly dashed into his hyung’s arms, burying himself in the warmth and love that awaited him.

“I’ve missed all of you so much,” Hongseok sighed out, his voice cracking a little. So he  _ was _ getting emotional. Jinho blushed with pride at that. “Now.. were you guys at the first chorus? Rewind and we can start from there.”

They all parted from their embraces and started again after the first chorus, at Hyunggu’s “adrenaline” part. It still amazed Jinho how the younger man moved so fluidly and elegantly after all these years of dancing. He’d truly taken excellent care of his body, telling the others once that he’d rather lose his mind than his ability to dance. It was admirable to say the least.

After nearly two hours straight of dance practice, Jinho felt like his joints were going to burst out of his skin. He drank an entire bottle of water in one go and lay down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. He felt too old for this shit.

He watched the others slowly come down from their dancing high. Hyunggu was stretching, Hyojong was face first on the bench - obviously breathing heavily, Hongseok was drinking water and Shinwon and Yan An were sitting on the floor and dabbing at their faces with towels.

“Hey,” came Hui’s sleepy voice from the door as he walked in, rubbing at his eyes. 

Hyojong immediately crossed the room to kiss his forehead and rub his back. He suddenly didn’t look exhausted anymore, as he cooed at Hwitaek for looking cute when he’s just woken up. The leader appeared less than impressed.

“I didn’t know you guys were practicing, you should’ve woken me up.”

“No, it’s okay, hyung,” Shinwon spoke up. “We all know what you’re like when you don’t get enough sleep. It’s just not worth the risk.”

They all chuckled, knowing it was true. They had spent too long dancing next to a sleep deprived Hui, who was all but tearing his hair out. They didn’t want to relive that part of their careers.

“Well, since I’m here now, let’s get back to it,” he clapped his hands together, earning a number of groans and complaints, as well as one shoe and a water bottle thrown at him, compliments of Yan An and Hyunggu. “Or we could go out for coffee instead.”

There was a much more eager response to this suggestion and they were all racing to the showers to tidy themselves up enough to be seen in public. They had grown accustomed to 5 minute showers and before long, they were all dressed in fresh clothes and grabbing their belongings to follow Hui into the city. The leader was already by the door, his sweatshirt hood pulled over his head and his one hand shoved into his pocket, the other typing on his cellphone.

Shinwon and Hyojong approached, arm-in-arm and the younger let out a whoop at the sight of Hwitaek. “Whose mans?” he chuckled, watching a flustered Hyojong to try cover his mouth. “What a snack,” Shinwon risked slapping Hui on the ass.

The owner of said ass simply laughed and punched Shinwon in the arm. “Shut up,” he scolded playfully, before stealing Hyojong from his arm, pulling him close. “You’re gonna have to protect me.”

Jinho laughed at the exchange as he came to join them, holding Hyunggu’s hand as they headed out onto the streets. Yan An and Hongseok were following close behind, looking almost like bodyguards, with their height difference.

At the coffee shop, they were quite pleased to have several people recognize them, mostly congratulating Shinwon on his discharge and keeping their distance aside from that. They ordered their coffee and thanked the employees as well as the fans and left, enjoying the sunshine.   
  
“Let’s go to the park, it’ll be nice there,” Hyunggu tugged on Jinho’s sleeve, reminding him of when Hyunggu was much younger then he is now. But he complied as always, it was just too hard to say no to him.

The group walked to the park, Shinwon texting Wooseok and Yuto and telling them to hurry and meet with them, while Yan An called Changgu and argued with his manager to let him have just a few hours to spend with the group. “It’s for the concert! No we’re not playing,” the Chinese man had only gotten better and better at lying.

By the time the other three showed up, Hui and Shinwon were playing soccer with a ball they’d found and Hongseok was trying to show Hyunggu how to do one handed pushups. Jinho reffed the soccer match while Yan An recorded Hyunggu falling on his face.

“Aren’t we a little old for this, hyungs?” Changgu laughed as he approached from his car, putting his sunglasses on top of his head to survey the scene before him.

“Says who?” Yan An rolled his eyes.

Yuto had driven Wooseok, but quickly abandoned him as soon as they parked so he could participate in the soccer game. Wooseok went up to wrap an arm around Changgu’s shoulders.

“Let’s live well while we’re young...ish,” he chuckled, pulling Changgu after him as they went to rival Hongseok and Hyunggu.

Changgu had put on quite a bit of muscle since his enlistment and Hongseok was offended by how good he was at one handed pushups. Wooseok hung back with Yan An, laughing as Hyunggu’s elbow refused to sustain him once again, the younger eventually declaring that he was giving up.

Eventually Yuto went to retrieve another soccer ball from his car - “I have it for emergencies” he’d shrugged - and they all joined in for soccer, two teams of five. It was hyungs against maknaes and it didn’t take long for them to figure out that the hyungs just weren’t good at soccer.

They played a few matches, the maknaes proceeded to kick their asses every time, until Jinho gave up. “I already had dance practice, this is just too much,” he announced, going over to the park bench to sit and catch his breath. He was grateful that Yuto also kept water bottles in his car for real emergencies.

The sun had started to go down and all that would be left was a dusky warmth that clung to his skin. He realized that his loose fitting long sleeve was a bad idea for this hot summer day and he exhaled heavily, leaning back on the bench, staring up at the darkening sky. The sounds of the other men’s laughter was all he could hear and he couldn’t stop a wide grin from spreading on his lips.

A shadow came over him and he looked up to see a sweaty but satisfied looking Hongseok grinning down at him. His own smile faded as he studied Hongseok’s face and all that was left was an unreadable expression that looked almost starstruck, staring into Hongseok’s eyes.

The younger leaned down, his forehead bumping gently against Jinho’s nose, staring upside down at him. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Cheapskate,” Jinho giggled -  _ he fucking giggled... at his age. _

Hongseok gave a nonchalant shrug, apparently thrilled by the response he could still draw out of his hyung. “Don’t tell if you don’t want to.”

He was beginning to trace circles into Jinho’s cheekbone with his middle finger as he looked into his hyung’s eyes, returning the favor of staring. He seemed to be examining him, as if trying to weigh just how much he loved him, and judging by the stupid grin on Hongseok’s face, the answer would be: a whole fucking lot.

“Just wondering when you’re all going to be done so we can go eat.”

“Whatever you say, old man,” Hongseok whispered, gently kissing Jinho’s forehead, before turning back to herd the members together. It reminded Jinho of when they all lived in the dorms together, Hongseok trying to make dinner while Jinho observed from afar, the only thing keeping him connected to the flow of events was Hongseok’s tender kisses, drawing his attention to the surface of his mind.

* * *

 

Three weeks into practice as all 10 once more and things couldn’t have been going worse, every time they thought they made an improvement, someone else would forget a move or miss a cue and Hwitaek would look ready to pull his hair out. Of course when he was the one to make the mistake, he argued for his life, claiming that everyone else was off and not him.

Despite it not being as smooth as they’d all hoped it would be, moral was high and mistake after mistake didn’t seem to put a dent in anyone’s good mood. They took their issues in stride and tried to learn from them, still smiling when they came in every morning and eager to practice.

It was the fourth week when things started to get a little tense, with Hyunggu breathing down Shinwon and Hongseok’s neck, trying not to actually tell them they hadn’t improved at learning dances over the years, but still wanting to get his point across. He had lost his temper with them on multiple occasions and had even shouted at Shinwon once.

The anger didn’t last long and no one was hurt, but Jinho couldn’t shake the feelings that something bad was going to happen soon. He knew it was coming, they all did, it was crackling in the air between them every time Hwitaek clapped his hands to gather them together to figure out which beat they would start from. Or whenever some of the members would go on a coffee errand and get someone’s order wrong, there was a bitterness in the “that’s fine, I like this kind too”.

Jinho knew these boys all too well and he could feel it pressing on the surface of his skin, someone was going to be pushed to their limits.

It happened of course, two weeks before the concert itself, when they went to examine the concert hall where they would start rehearsal’s in a few days. It was much bigger than anything they could have hoped for, especially having not done any group activities for years, especially after a disbandment. It meant the world to them to have the opportunity for such a large audience.

Hwitaek stood on the stage, looking at the thousands of empty seats, he couldn’t even imagine them full at this point, it was too unrealistic in his mind. But he still hoped for the best, no matter what. He knew that they deserved to feel it one more time, as a whole, to experience it together. Hyojong came up next to him and leaned his head on his shoulder.

“What if no one comes?” Hwitaek whispered as loudly as he dared, which was just enough for Dawn to hear him.

“Don’t be stupid,” the rapper retorted. “With our setlist? Everyone has a solo stage, so there will be solo fans... Well we’re bound to have at least ten people then, aren’t we?” he chuckled.

Hui simply rolled his eyes at him.

As one of the stage managers directed the crew in unrolling the Pentagon slogans along the outer rim of the balcony seats, all the members held their breaths. Watching their younger faces and symbol appear before them, staring at them, it was the most terrifying audience they’d ever had. It was as if their past was begging them to do well, to carry the torch right up to the gates of retirement, although Hwitaek would be damned if he ever retired. There was no such thing to him.

Once the slogans were all secured, the members let out the breaths they were holding and went back to examining the stage and hall. It all looked too good to be true, with the large stage that extended out to a center stage in the middle of the audience.

“Well, I hope you’ve all been working out, because these screens are big,” Hongseok chuckled. “I know at least Hyojong will take his shirt off, so...” he sucked a breath in through his teeth and made a ‘yikes’ face.

“Shut up!” Hyojong laughed, rushing over to shove the younger’s shoulder.

They wrapped up at the concert hall and went back to the studio to listen to the completed demo of their new song. It wouldn’t be perfected until the night before the release probably, as was Hui’s usual style, but it was enough to film a music video off of.

The MV wasn’t planned to be anything fancy, just a montage of Pentagon over the past 10 years and predebut also, along with some new footage of the members practicing and recording and just spending time together. It was all they could ask for and then some, so there was no complaints about losing their music video theatrics.

After reviewing the demo, everyone seemed satisfied and parted ways for the day. Hyunggu went home with Yuto and Wooseok, bidding goodnight quietly. Yan An and Changgu tugged on Shinwon’s arm until he followed them, waving to Hui as he left. Jinho turned to look at the other hyungs of the group, realising it was just them left.

They had all aged so much, but still looked so youthful and handsome, Jinho felt envy settle in his heart for a moment, but he was grateful they were in his life at all. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Hyojong’s cheek, shocking the rapper. He turned and pressed a very small kiss to Hui’s lips, earning wide eyes. He then wrapped an arm around Hongseok’s waist and kissed his neck.

“We’ve come a long way,” Jinho sighed.

“ _ From where we began _ ,” Hongseok sang, making the others laugh. The amusement only lasted so long as sad looks appeared on all four of their faces, the reality and weight of the sentence really hitting home with them. They had come such a long way, from Pentagon Maker, the very beginning.. All the way to a 10th Anniversary concert. It was almost too much

“But we did good, right?” Hwitaek asked hopefully, looking between them. “I mean, the four of us... we kind of raised all those kids that were in here a second ago,” he chuckled softly. “I couldn't have made it without all of you.”

Hyojong sniffled for a moment, reaching up to rub at his eye. “Yeah...”

“Come on,” Hwitaek laughed, motioning for a hug. “You two, as well.”

Jinho ended up being squished against Hwitaek in between Hyojong and Hongseok’s arms. He stared up at the leader, whose eyes sparkled, gazing back at Jinho. They leaned forwards and pressed their foreheads together, feeling Hyojong lean in to kiss Hongseok’s cheek over their heads, Hui ducked a little, giggling.

* * *

 

Hongseok drove Jinho home, parking outside of his apartment, Hongseok smiled politely at him. “Have a good night,” he said, chewing on his lip absentmindedly. He was in no way subtle and Jinho rolled his eyes.

“Come on in, you loser.”

“Oh,” Hongseok’s eyes widened. “Really?”

The speed with which Hongseok climbed out of his car made Jinho laugh, even if he did have to remind him to get his keys out of the ignition. Jinho led him into the building and they walked hand in hand to the elevator, stepping closer together as it went up.

When it reached Jinho’s floor, he shyly led Hongseok down the hall, to his apartment, where he stopped to unlock it. He had moved a year ago to a much nicer apartment and he was glad he did, because this one was much safer and he was one of three people on his floor, so neighbors weren’t too much of an issue.

Inside was well furnished and way bigger than his last place, the approval on Hongseok’s face made Jinho feel proud for his choice in color scheme and decoration. He had gotten the help from Wooseok and Shinwon, deciding that someone who could draw well and a fashion guru were going to be the best free advice he could get.

However he lived in an area that was much more populated and he was recognized far more, but he didn’t mind stopping to sign a few autographs on his way to the grocery store on the weekends. He was comfortable here and now that he was starting to resolve things with Hongseok, he was going to be happy here.

“Coffee?” Jinho asked and Hongseok nodded in agreement, following him to the kitchen to help.

They worked well together, in the kitchen or in the studio or in bed or on stage, it didn’t matter. Their bodies and personalities just fit right together and Jinho wondered if his heart was going to explode every time Hongseok just melted into his presence. Their atmospheres were so different yet so entirely in sync and it made Jinho realize what a soulmate was.

“Funny, isn’t it? How we’ve come all this way to end up here.”

“What’s wrong with here?” Hongseok asked quietly, almost carefully.

“You know, we were idols. We trained together, we danced together, we ‘made it big’ together. And now we’re here. Domestic gays making coffee in my kitchen,” Jinho chuckled. He put his hands up on the counter behind him, lifting himself so he was seated on it.

Hongseok’s eyebrows raised at his choice of words, but he laughed all the same, setting the coffee cup into the holder and pushing the top of the one-cup maker down. “Domestic gays, huh? That works. So would you call us...boyfriends?”

“I was thinking life partners, but boyfriends is a good term too.”

“Life partners? That sounds dangerously close to husbands.”

Jinho shrugged, his feet swinging back and forth. “Well, even if we don’t get married, even if for some strange reason we fell tragically out of love with each other... I’d still want you next to me. We’re too good together to ever want to be apart don’t you think?”

It took a moment for Hongseok to reply, but when he did, it was exactly what Jinho wanted to hear. “I do...I really do.”

The coffee was quickly forgotten as Hongseok slipped in between Jinho’s swinging legs and he placed his hands on his hips. He didn’t try to kiss him and he didn’t rush anything, he just stared at his face, peering at his eyes as if looking into his soul.

Jinho shook his head, he’d put this off for far too long, he wasn’t going to wait for Hongseok to make up his mind. He put his hands on either side of Hongseok’s face and pulled him close, till their lips met. It was slow and gentle, it fit together perfectly just like everything they did. They moved in sync, drawing out the kiss, memorizing the print of each other’s lips.

As they kissed, the moon shone out the window, the wind blew leaves off of trees, preparing for autumn. Cats fought in an alleyway, birds made homes for themselves, it was raining somewhere. Couples got married, or broke up, different people in different parts of the world experienced things in their own unique way. But through all of this, through other people’s goods and bads, through their thick and thin, Jinho still held onto Hongseok. Just as he had through their own good and bad moments, through their own thicks and thins, he just held onto this man.

And he would never stop.

* * *

 

The moment that Jinho had sensed, that he knew was coming, came crashing down on them harder than they were expecting and they all stopped moving while it pulled them in like a tornado. The panic and fear and worries were what hit them first, the realization of what happened hit them next and the same words “car crash” stumbled over and over through their minds.

The manager assured them it was nothing too serious and that they were only bruised and sore, but they had to rest and go easy on their bodies. His voice numbed Jinho’s mind as he listened to the man speak, a few phrases such as “well the doctor says” and “some good R&R” were what really sent him spiraling.

_ I knew it was going too well, it was too good to last... _ These kinds of thoughts were bringing him down and made it harder to dance with two empty spots in the choreography. Two large spots. When they’d finally finished practice for that day, they forgot to turn off the lights or anything as they rushed to the hospital.

Yuto looked sickly pale as he sat in the hospital bed, a needle in one arm and the other clenching his blankets. He looked tired and worried and as the other members came in, guilt swarmed his features. He looked over to the other bed, where Wooseok lay asleep, a bruise covering his lip.

“Shh,” he warned them as they entered, vaguely gesturing towards Wooseok.

Hui was the first to reach him, his hands stretching out to cup his cheeks and examine his face, assuring that he was okay. He mumbled words of encouragement to him, telling him that it wasn’t his fault. 

“It was probably the other driver,” Shinwon tried to cheer him up, but Yuto remained solemn.

Everyone said their words of well wishes to Yuto and promised to come see Wooseok the next day, before the doctors kicked them out, claiming the two needed their rest. They agreed and told Yuto to get as much asleep as possible.

When they continued their practice the next day and the next and the next, no sign of the maknaes rejoining them just yet, spirits were beyond low. Hwitaek constantly expressing his worries of having to perform without them.

“It just doesn’t seem fair, I want them to be there. They deserve to be there.”

“They will, Hui, it’s okay.”

With each passing day, things were looking more and more glum, but when the time to rehearse finally came, it looked like there was no hope. Their music video would drop in two days and their concert would be 2 hours before that. They had this time to rehearse.

Jinho went over their setlist with his stage manager, making sure he knew when his cues would be. Hwitaek was currently stressing over the most minute details, while Hyojong tried to talk him down. The other members were going over the moves amongst themselves, Hyunggu showing an amazing streak of patience with everyone as he talked them through it.

When Jinho was finished with the setlist, he went to join the others, going over each song’s choreo, not bothering to put their all in just yet. They chuckled whenever someone messed up and they shoved each other when they accidentally bumped into each other. It was comfortable for the time being and they were hoping to keep the mood going.

Hyojong and Hwitaek finally joined them and they gave the signal for the sound director to start up their opening track, Pentagon. Before the song started, they saw a manager run in, grinning. Behind him, came Yuto and Wooseok, looking much healthier than the last time the members had seen them.

Everyone cheered and went to greet the maknaes, Hui almost crying in relief.

“Are you guys sure you’re okay to dance?” Hyunggu asked, grabbing onto their hands to emphasize his concern.

“Yeah, we’re good. Maybe we won’t give it our usual fervor, but we can definitely do it,” Wooseok smirked, kissing Hyunggu’s now pink cheek. Yuto couldn’t resist kissing the other.

“Okay then,” Hwitaek sighed, he gently pet the maknaes heads, before signalling for everyone to gather around. They all gave a fighting cheer before they started rehearsal with earnest now. They were running out of time, so they knew they really had to work hard from here on out.

They spent hours going over the choreo for the entire setlist, even rehearsing their speech segments. When they finished, the staff all cheered and told them that it was going to go perfectly.

Jinho let out a breath of relief. They were really going to be able to pull this off.

* * *

 

_ October 10th _

The day of the concert finally came and the boys rushed around each other in the dressing rooms, trying to make sure that everyone looked perfect. Despite how many years of experience they had under their belts, they were full of nerves and fumbled with their clothes like rookies. More than that, they all glowed with youth as they had their stage makeup and hair done. 

40 minutes before the concert was due to start and Hui called the members into a seperate room, away from staff, where they had some privacy. There was a few couches, a low table and a little water stand in the corner. Hwitaek first approached Jinho, reaching out to grab the older man’s hands.

“Jinho-hyung,” he took a shaky breath. “We’ve known each other for a long time, huh? We’ve been through... a lot. You’ve always been someone I could look up to and you’ve always been there for me. We had our rough patch... and it was really rough. But there’s nothing I could do to express how grateful I am that you’re here with me now,” he kissed Jinho tenderly, to sort of end the speech.

“Hongseok-ah,” his words made the man’s face light up, suddenly smiling. Hui always had that effect on him. “You’re the strongest of us all and I don’t just mean physically. Everytime I think of how hard you fought to stand with us, my heart just aches for you. You’ve been through so much on your own and with us and I wish I could take all of that pain away. Thank you for being here.”

With Hongseok too, he ended it with a kiss and Jinho was sensing a pattern.

“Shinwonnie,” Hui’s voice cracked just saying the man’s name. “Oh our Shinwonnie, you’ve always worried me you know that, right? We almost lost you for good before we even debuted and when I tell you that scared me,” he laughed bitterly. “That’d be an understatement. You worked so hard and here you are, right with us, where you belong. Thank you,” he kissed Shinwon’s lips and then hand, giving it a squeeze.

He approached Changgu, reaching out to grasp his shoulders, the younger man was already in tears. “Changgu...beautiful Changgu. You’ve always shone so brightly, on your own or with us, I’ve always been in awe of how you make every situation better. Your smile is all I need to ease any pain, I think. I’m beyond grateful to know you.”

“Yan An,” for the Chinese man, he kissed him before he could speak, as if he was so overcome with emotions that his words weren’t working yet. “You’re an angel that I never could have predicted in my life. I always felt responsible for you and I wanted to take care of you and in doing that, I realized that it was entirely the opposite. You were the one who took care of me. Thank you for being brave enough to be with us, even if you’re so far away from home.”

“You are my home,” Yan An murmured, wiping at the tears that were building in his eyes. Hwitaek took a deep breath and patted his arm, before moving to Yuto.

“Adachi... I swear every time you laugh, it’s the happiest moment of my life. You’re so radiant and I don’t know what I would ever do without you. You’re so much wiser than I could hope to be and you’re so strong no matter the situation. I wish I could be more like you... thank you,” he gently kissed the corner of Yuto’s mouth and then his nose.

As soon as Hui turned to Hyunggu, before he could speak to him, the younger was moving into his arms, clinging to him. He wasn’t crying, as they’d all expected him to be, he was just holding onto him.

“Kino-ah,” Hwitaek whispered, rubbing his cheek gently. “So talented, so precious,” he pulled him away to stare deep into his eyes. “Every time someone called me ‘genius producer’ I just... I couldn’t help but laugh, because the whole time they had it all wrong.” He shook his head and pointed at Hyunggu, his finger poking against his chest. “It was you, baby. It was always you. I truly believe you’re our heart.. My heart.”

He tenderly kissed Hyunggu, his thumb still rubbing against his cheek as a tear slipped through Kino’s lashes.

“Jung Wooseok,” Hwitaek laughed heartily as he approached the giant maknae, who bowed down onto one knee to be reachable height for the leader, making him laugh more. “I don’t know how you do it... but you’ve always had a special talent. You’ve made me laugh and smile at times when I didn’t even want to breathe anymore. You’ve always had that about you, you’re possibly the best human I know,” he wrapped his arms around the maknae’s head, holding him close to his chest. “I’m so grateful for you. I can’t even explain it.”

Wooseok kissed him first, nuzzling his nose against the older’s, making him laugh yet again.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath as Hwitaek turned to look at Hyojong, who was leaning against the door, an expectant look on his face. He broke into a shy grin as he approached the rapper. “Dawnie...” he whispered, his voice really breaking now as steady tears leaked down his cheeks. “You’re  _ everything _ to me...”

Hyojong shook his head and walked over, he put his hands on Hui’s shoulders and pushed him towards the couch, he forced him to sit, before he took his own seat on the table in front of the leader. “I know... Hey,” he tilted Hwitaek’s chin up to look at him. “ _ I know. _ I feel it. But it’s my turn, okay?”

The other members seemed to come close enough to touch, but not too close, still giving the other two their space. Jinho fit into Hongseok’s arms, under his chin. Yuto and Wooseok seemed to lean on each other, wiping each other’s tears. Kino buried his face into Shinwon’s chest, putting his whole weight against the other, trusting him to hold him. Yan An was pressing kisses to Changgu’s temple, the older had his arms wrapped around Yan An’s waist.

They all just listened.

“Hui-hyung. You’re the only reason any of us are here, you’re the whole reason we made it this far. I know I had times where I was really ready to end everything, and every time you were there, this.. beautiful, powerful being, pulling me back to the light. Every song, every stage, everything we did...we did it because of you, w-we did it  _ for _ you, hyung. You’ve been next to me for the worst parts of my life and you’ve been the best parts. You really are my whole fucking universe, you’re the reason I wake up, you’re the reason I’m able to see every single one of these perfect people that are in this room.

If you hadn’t held us together... if you hadn’t led us, through everything.. We wouldn’t have made it. Hwitaek... we wouldn’t have made it. You bring out the best in all of us, you make us better. You’re the best part of me, y-you’re...” Hyojong swallowed and took a deep breath, biting back his own tears. “You’re Pentagon.”

Hui’s face crumpled and he hid it behind his hands, letting the tears flow freely, knowing that the makeup staff would kick their asses, but not caring. He let out a sob as Hyojong reached out to envelop him in his arms, each of the members coming around him to join in. 

Exchanges of “I love you” passed through everyone until they all finally stopped crying enough to fix their makeup before the show. They only had ten minutes now and Hwitaek forced everyone to hold still for one more kiss before they cleaned up and got to the backstage area. 

Their eyes were still red and puffy, but they didn’t care. They all stood behind the curtain, feeling the nerves and fear clench at their hearts as they held their breaths. They were greeted with silence at first and it made their stomachs churn, the same question going through all of their minds.  _ What if no one came? _

Those thoughts quickly disappeared as they could see through the crack in the curtain that the lights in the auditorium went off and ear splitting screams and cheers immediately flooded the theatre. They all gasped, reaching out to grab each other’s hands. A pentagon shaped light lit up behind them, casting their silhouettes inside of a pentagon onto the curtain.

A roar of excitement rushed from the crowd to greet them and they all held on tight to each other. They could hear the intro video that had been prepared, it was a montage of their career from start to finish, until it came to a rushing end, with a 5 second countdown that the fans shouted along with.

_ 5... _

They all took a deep breath.

_ 4... _

Ten pairs of eyes exchanged nervous yet excited looks.

_ 3... _

A collective feeling of peace seemed to overcome them all.

_ 2... _

They all prepared to step out on stage as 10 once more, as Pentagon.

_ 1 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, there you have it. I'm impressed at myself for not crying while I wrote this.. but damn I came close.  
> Also I feel it's a good day to end it, on Jinhongseok's birthday :)  
> Thank you again for reading, I really hope you liked the story. I have two other fics I need to finish and a few that I want to work on and be able to post on here soon. <3  
> Also on my twitter, I have a huidawn "social media au" about hwitaek being a singer in china and falling in love with a dancer - hyojong. Feel free to check it out on my twt @huiislands   
> I love you all so much, please tell me what you thought of this story.
> 
> Today too, you are precious, I love you


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